Write Something
I have a secret that I have not told anyone. It is a secret I hold with only one other person. It is the first secret I’ve ever had where I have not told anyone.
Actually, scratch that. I have TWO secrets. One, only I know. The other, two people know. I am tempted to tell you, Dear Diary, yet I am afraid of letting you know. It is not a harmful secret. It is not a bad secret. I don’t know why I’m afraid to tell even you.
I think it’s just nice sometimes to have something to myself. Something that no one else knows so I can keep it special for a little while longer. Something.
I’m alive. I’m here. I guess that’s something, isn’t it? My weekends are no longer empty. I no longer cry on a daily basis. I take my meds and go to work and try to go to bed on time and get up on time (that doesn’t work so well). I have good days and bad days. I have good days and better days. I am feeling more normal. I am feeling more like myself.
I still miss the crap out of her. It’s getting easier. I still feel like we should be together; she still doesn’t. Maybe that will fade with time. I’m not sure if I want it to or not…
It’s so nice to see her and get hugs from her. The other night we were teasing each other, and she laughed outright and I saw the huge smile on her face, and it made me so happy. It was so good to see her smile like that. It makes me smile to think about it.
I wish things could be like that all the time. I know that right now the pressure is off, so there aren’t issues. I know that it hasn’t been a whole lot of time since we did have issues. I know that I still need to work on building my self-esteem and my trust in others. I also know that I am down-right nosy, and that doesn’t help the situation.
I love her. I do know that. I know that love may change, but it will not fade and it will not go away. She is just amazing, and truly, I am grateful that she’s in my life. I am glad that I made the decision to work hard on this and stick with being friends. My heart still warms when I think of her. Much better than the cold bitterness of hurt and anger that I could feel right now.
Halloween is tomorrow. I am dressing as a cowgirl. My original costume was to be Texas Hold’em, but that isn’t appropriate for work, so I’ll be a plain old cowgirl tomorrow.
Saturday was The Kids Halloween party. That’s when I wore my costume full out. Everyone laughed. It was great. I made scary witch finger cookies. They grossed everyone out. I love it.
Halloween is one of my favorite days of the year. I’m excited to take the munchkin out trick or treating.
My aunt and some of my cousins went to a Haunted House on Sunday night. It was really a long maze with a bunch of people jumping out to scare you. I’ve seen better. The scariest part was getting chased by a guy with a chain saw. That was so freaky.
There were seven of us in our group. The people behind us only had two, so they caught up with us right away. It was like we had one of the actors following us the whole way, which was kind of freaky in itself.
When we got out, they commented that we were a bunch of fraidy cats. Forgive us for getting into it and doing our best to get our $14 worth!
More staff issues at work. One woman is flat out crazy I think. You should see the “thank you” card she gave me. ::rolls eyes::
The journey is the reward
Lao-Tzu