Hope for a New Year

Today was a good first day of the New Year.
Grant and I got up, had breakfast, and headed out to a local state park. We went for a short hike. I took some pictures…

Then, we came back, relaxed. We watched TV. I took a nap while he surfed the web. Then we had dinner. It’s been a relaxed and happy day.
Oh… we returned the LitterMaid we bought on the 27th. The thing didn’t work worth a damn. We bought the “Mega” version which is supposed to be good for large cats and multiple cat households… not so much. We’ve had non-stop problems, so back to PetCo the damn thing went. At least that’s $250 we didn’t waste. Thank you 90 Money Back Guarantee!
I’m not sure exactly why it wouldn’t work. Our cats didn’t seem to take to it. They kept pissing on the rake thing instead of in the box… and so, the litter would clump behind the rake and then it was just a mess. I had to completely clean the whole thing before we packed it up to take it back. Fun 30 minutes, let me tell you. There’s nothing like cleaning cat piss and shit from little groves and crannies to make a day special, let me tell you.
 
Italics’ ear is healing well, although he’s still being an ass—and a stupid ass at that—and following Chester around. He gets squirted when he tries to follow him into the guest room… we’ve decided that’s where Chester’s sanctuary is going to be. Rather than locking Italics and Bagheera in our room at night (and a litter box in there – had the fun smell last night right about midnight… and ewww), Chester will have the guest room to himself at night, complete with a bed, a window facing the woods, and plenty of space to explore and room to lay out and sun himself. Plus, it will offer him a place to get away from Italics’ constant stalking. I mean, shit! My damn white puff ball won’t leave Chester along for all the cat nip in Virginia!
 
Tomorrow Grant and I are thinking about investigating some of the museums and whatnot around Richmond. Saturday, we have a dinner thing to go to in Virginia Beach—one of his friends is back from Iraq—so we’re planning on spending the day there before the dinner goofing around. And Sunday I am hoping we can go for another hike or something. I really like the idea of spending the next few days doing things with Grant—rather than wasting them sitting at the house, watching TV, playing video games, and becoming slugs. I think we’ve both done enough of that for a lifetime, but when I mention doing things to Grant… I seem to meet resistance. I guess he hasn’t done enough gaming, seen enough TV shows… or perhaps he’s too tired… he said, when I asked about going out Sunday, that “It’s the last day of my vacation before I have to go back to work.”
My point exactly. But his as well. I want to get up… spend that time doing something. He would rather spend it “relaxing.” His definition of “relaxing” is the fastest was I know of to nose dive into depression. Days of sitting, alternating TV with video games and napping. Throw in a book at bed time—or in the bathroom. *Le sigh* I want to get up and ‘change my life,’ but I feel like the road blocks are all around me. I am starting to really worry about whether or not I can do this… I kept putting it off… and I feel like it’s now or never… and now that the “now” is here, I can’t help but wonder, can I do this?
I could do this alone, but can I do this now? Can I do this without a trainer? Can I do this when I have someone who “doesn’t want oatmeal” so he sneaks off to the office to scarf down the leftover pizza? Can I really accomplish this if I have someone here who doesn’t want to go the gym with me? Before… I didn’t have to walk out of the house and look back to see someone lounging comfortably in a recliner watching TV and drinking Pepsi. I didn’t have to watch someone scarf down as much food as he wanted while working to control my desire. It’s like an alcoholic… living with a person whose drinking a couple of beers a night… in front of me. It’s difficult, and it makes me wonder if I can really quit. It makes me feel guilty for asking him to give up the things he wants… it makes me hate myself for my weakness… it makes me hate him for making me feel guilty and making me hate myself when I’m just trying to think about me and get healthy…
I could do this alone… but can I do this now?
<div style=”margin: 0in 0in 10pt”>I have no idea.
I just have hope.  Hope that he will ‘want’ to go to the gym, even if he doesn’t. Hope that he will ‘want’ oatmeal, even if there’s pizza—which there shouldn’t be too often after this weekend. Hope that he will want to change with me… because I’m not sure where “we’ll” be if I change my life without him… and he stays the same. If I have to ‘overcome’ him in order to be whole… I’m not sure how that will affect our marriage… so I have hope… hope that he will hear me. Hope that he will listen. Hope for 2009. Hope for our future.