I’ve come to realize…

< —— 2008 Year in Review

I’ve Come to Realize…

1. I’ve come to realize that, my life:
will get better… then worse… then better… then worse… and one day, I will be in exactly the same place I’m in right now.

2. I’ve come to realize that, when I talk:
I often have to repeat myself, especially to the person I love the most.

3. I’ve come to realize that, I love:
my husband more than I love myself… and that isn’t always a good thing.

4. I’ve come to realize that my friends:
are few and far between… but being choosey is better than being stuck with someone you cannot get rid of…

5. I’ve come to realize that I’ve lost:
more of myself to the meds than I’ve been willing to admit…

6. I’ve come to realize that I hate:
how divided my family has become—and how obvious the division seems to be… has it been there all along? Have they always been so outrageous? And if so, how could I have missed it for so many years?

7. I’ve come to realize that marriage is:
plastic blenders, Negotiating to Yes on Audio CD’s, and midnight runs to Wendy’s to make up for the little things that just got a little too big… because thankfully, in this marriage, there are no big things.

8. I’ve come to realize that I’ll always:
be broken… and break everyone closest to me. My disease is incurable… and though treatable, I’m still broken… watch out for the shards.

9. I’ve come to realize that the last time I truly cried was:
when I lost faith in my memories… the last of childhood memories died over Thanksgiving when my Grandfather betrayed his blood for a heartless conversation behind closed doors.

10. I’ve come to realize that my cell phone:
is not nearly worth the hype I thought it was… $700? I enjoyed my $50 phone more. Though, this one does have Solitaire, if I ever have the time—or battery—to play…

11. I’ve come to realize that when I wake up in the morning:
I dread going to work, but by the time I get there, I find my groove… until Boss gets there… when he says something stupid, my day becomes an exercise in not throwing the metal stapler at his wrinkled, sweaty forehead.

12. I’ve come to realize that before I go to sleep at night :
I enjoy nothing more than the feel of Italics asleep at my feet, Bagheera making muffins on Grant’s leg, Grant’s hand on my skin, and the words of a Dean Koonz novel floating around in my head.

13. I’ve come to realize that right now I am thinking about:
the endless cycling of my disease, the hope the new year brings, and the joy of watching Bagheera sit in Grant’s lap without growling at Chester who’s sleeping on the back of my chair.

14. I’ve come to realize that I get on MySpace:
to see if my mom has posted anything interesting… but for nothing else. I’ve totally deleted my page… and Grant’s page as well. We have no time for it… and being “confrontational” was much too easy…

15. I’ve come to realize that today was:
a roller coaster of emotions… as is everyday… peace in waking, anger in the morning, elation in the afternoon, frustration in the evening, restlessness at night… my life. The emotions and times change places, but they always rotate… nothing lasts.

16. I’ve come to realize that tonight will:
be different than I expect, but I can still hope: Dean Koonz, Italics, Bagheera, and Grant’s hands.

17. I’ve come to realize that school is:
something I’d love to be able to do… a Master’s degree sounds wonderful, but then, sister and I are in “different” places in our lives… but I’d be immature to compare.

18. I’ve come to realize that tomorrow will:
be the last day of the cursed year… and perhaps, just maybe, the end of this latest string of bad luck.