NoJoMo – 18 12 Hour Day… from hell

12 Hour work day.
 
I nearly quit at the beginning of it.
 
My boss compared me to CL, the b*tch who was there before me, who is now suing him for sexual harassment (assault because it’s a small business) and got to personal. He said I’m getting to personally involved.
 
I nearly quit. I spent most of my morning blocking back the tears and swallowing Klonapin.
 
Dedication to the COMPANY is not personal involvement with my BOSS!
 
I am not CL! I am not talking about my husband’s dick size. I am not talking about my sex life at work.
 
I am not showing off my breasts or body (not that all men like this much of a woman, but some do…).
 
I am not buying clothes for his grandkids and using the company credit cards to buy myself bikinis.
 
What I am doing is spending my free time building the company website.
 
What I am doing is having my husband, a tech genius, help do tech shit so that we don’t have to pay outrageous fees in a struggling economy.
 
What I am doing is offering to take a pay cut or put off my pay raise until the business picks up and we have more work.
 
WHAT I AM DOING IS ENSURING THAT MY COMPANY SURVIVES.
 
The entire reason I am working for a small company, earning $10-20k less than I would at a larger firm is because I wanted a job where I could make a difference. I wanted a job I could become personally involved in. I wanted a job that meant something to me. If that becomes a bad thing, I’m out.
 
I had a conversation with my boss, where I explained as much, and I think, for the most part, he understands. As an asshole and a pain in the ass, it’s hard to tell, but I think he gets it. He went on and on about me not taking things personally… but I do take this shit personally. If my being personally dedicated to my company becomes a bad thing, I am seriously done. Fruck it, I’ll go earn extra money, paid vacation, and tuition re-imbursement. Right now, I’m lucky to get a thank you after having orders barked at me.
 
To compare me to CL. My god… And then with some bullshit about me "not necessarily backsliding ‘per say’, but not moving forward in the last few weeks."
 
I’VE HAD SURGERY, BEEN ON PAIN MEDS, HAD AN INFECTION, AND NEARLY HAD ANOTHER SURGERY… NOT BACK SLIDING IS A FRUCKING MIRACLE YOU SELF CENTERED, OVER BEARING FREAK!!!
 
 
I guess my biggest problem is what it has always been with men like my father… and my boss is a carbon-freakin-copy of my dad… they expect too much too fast. And being the dutiful daughter, I can’t say to them, "I can’t do it. It’s too much." or, more appropriately, "Hey, asshole, you’re expecting a miracle from me and I’m trying my best here… shut up, sit down, and let me work. I’ll let you know when and if I can do what you want/need." I can’t do that though. I simply work my ass off to fulfill their every need and desire, even if it means working overtime or learning to build websites or taking it up the … or not quitting even though no real apology was offered. No real apology will ever be offered. Like my father, my boss wasn’t wrong. I simply "misunderstood". I just took it personally, and I shouldn’t have. Shame on me.
 
One of these days… one of these days I will have the strength to say, No… no, Tom. Shame on you. Shame on you for hiring a bookkeeper and expecting a miracle worker. Shame on you for treating me like crap and expecting me to respect you. Shame on you for never learning manners or respect or any other common things. Shame on you for expecting everyone to adjust to your way of thinking. Shame on you for not seeing past the end of your own nose. Shame on you. One of these days… I will have the strength to walk away from the people in my life who refuse to admit mistakes, refuse to accept responsibility.
 
Not today. Today, I let my husband fix the computer. I worked a 12 hour day. And now I’m exhausted. Tomorrow, I’ll get up and go back to an office where I am unappreciated. Oh, don’t get me wrong–the boss’s wife appreciates me. And she says he does… he just doesn’t show it. I can’t help but wonder how long that will be enough…
 
Yes, tomorrow, I will return to an office where I have so much to do my head aches just looking at it. I will sit at my desk and wish I could curl up and cry. I will dose myself with medication that numbs the parts of me that make me special–that make me who I am–so that I can get through the day without letting them see me cry. I cannot let them see me cry. I cannot let them see what they widdle away from me each day… what his lack of manners, what his crude insults, what the lack of faith in my ability does to me. I will not let them see it.
 
Tomorrow, I will go to work. Then, I will come home. I will try to write an entry. And perhaps I will go into my room while Grant plays a computer game or knits or watches TV… and I will let myself cry the tears that have been building for so…