My Father

I dreamt about my father this morning. My mother and I were walking along a trail in hill country–where I grew up–when we saw him through a clearing. He was on the lake shore, trying to get his boat started…. I remember that he couldn’t or didn’t see us. That I called his attention to me. I started to tell him all of the things I want to say to him. I started to tell him that he was a crappy father, that his anger and pride and stupid had driven us apart… that he never loved me so how dare he tell me that he does… I told him that he didn’t KNOW me…how the hell could he love me. My mother just stood there, and when I collasped in tears and exhaustion, and as my father walked away without a word, my mother held me in her arms.

It didn’t happen in the back woods of hill country, but that’s essentially what happened with my father. Most of my life, I spent my time trying to please my parents. When I lost the desire to do that, my father abandoned me for someone who would do as expected…my niave sister. And my mother stood by, waiting to catch me every time I fell.

I’m going to graduate in just over two weeks. I have lost a crap load of weight. I have stopped smoking and drinking. I have become a fully functional member of society. In essence, in the last year, I have grown up… from a teenager in college to a fully developed adult. And my father missed it. And he will continue to miss it.

The thing is… I no longer miss him. I pity him. Frankly, I think I’m a pretty cool person to know… and he doesn’t get that chance. I think I have a lot to offer… but he’ll never get to see it. He is going to miss out on so much… and he’s too stubborn and too stupid to get it.

I get that parents were people first… and they are people still. They have their own lives and their own dramas… but it just seems like my father is a defective person. If anything, he’s the person not worth knowing…

I have to go to class now. I know I haven’t written a lot lately. I’ve been super swamped with school and trying to graduate. I’ll try to do better now that the college thing is coming to a close…