A little more to the left…

I feel off again this morning. I’m not sure what’s wrong with me. I feel out of sync with my life.

I’m not "unhappy" or "depressed", but thanks to everyone for their notes of encouragement. I am just… out of balance.

I am finding it harder and harder to believe in what I’m doing: getting my degree, Grant coming home, living a "normal" life as a married couple."

I know I should let it effect me, but some things my mother said yesterday really rubbed me the wrong way. It isn’t her fault; I know she was only trying to help. But it didn’t help.

I told her that Grant’s dad emailed him again to say if he can’t find a job with GDIT, then Grant can always go work with his dad. I hate the idea. Grant’s dad is never home. True, he only travels in the US, but still… more time apart, more phone calls and IM chats instead of a real live husband. he’d be able to come home more often, and I could call him and he could come home immediately if something happened… but he’d still be gone almost all of the time. The money’s good, but I’ve never really cared all that much for the money. I had a bank account instead of a father. For the last two years, I’ve had a bank account instead of a husband… pardon me if I don’t want to continue that trend.

My mother thought that perhaps I would get bored with Grant home. From what I understood, she beleives me to be a strong, independent woman… it’s a path you can choose, she says. There’s nothing wrong with it, she says. I get the impression she still thinks of my as a child, as a little girl who doesn’t know what she wants… I haven’t questioned her when she’s said over and over that she want to go home (to Florida), even though she’s lived in Texas the better part of her life. I beleive that she wants to go home. I beleive that if she makes the decision to go, she will be happy there. I just wish I felt the same belief from her.

I am not saying having him home all the time won’t drive me crazy. Of course it will. But I long to be frustrated over dirty socks, and like Amber (WhisperingWriter) throw them out on the front lawn with a sign annoucing my husband’s laziness. Those are the frustrations I want! I am tired of having plenty of money and no real companionship. I can’t go out. I can’t have male friends (without my husband being insecure, even though he’s managed to stop whining about it). But having him home… there seems to be an endless list of the things I can do.

I beleive that I am a strong woman. And I believe that if Grant were to take a job with his dad, which he says is only a last resort, then I will be fine. I will survive it. But to be perfectly honest, I’m sick and frucking tired of "surviving" my marriage. If this is all I have to look forward to for the next five years, ten, twenty, then forget it. What’s the point…

I am not "mad" at my mother… I just don’t feel like she’s "with" me on this. I know she knows how much it means to me to have him home, but I don’t think she fully appreciates the situation. The idea that him working with his dad could work…that I wouldn’t absolutely lose my mind and give up everything I’ve worked so hard for… the idea is just wrong. Doesn’t she get it? Doesn’t anyone get it?? It’s only worth being healthy and "happier" and all the bullshit I’ve been working so hard for if I have my husband home to share it with. Why would I care how many stairs I can climb or how many miles I can hike if I can’t hike them with Grant?

While I am not doing this FOR him, I am encouraged and inspired by the future… the future that has him IN IT! Today, feeling the way I do, I want to give up everything. To hell with dieting, with working my ass off at the gym, with everything I’ve done so far… I want a pack of smokes, a bottle of tequilla, a cheeseburger, and a couch to sit on for the rest of my life. When I’m feeling like I am today, nothing really matters. I can laugh and joke with friends… I am content in the silence… but in the back of my  mind, I know, if he isn’t coming home to me, then all of this work becomes just another flaming hoop I jumped through. Pointless.

Grant doesn’t help much either. I tell him: "I am tired of my life." His response: "that sucks"… brilliant. Helpful. Insightful. Sometimes, I wonder why I bother. My husband is great at so many things… dealing with me when I’m out of sync has never been one of them.

I just want him home. I want him home now. I want him to leave that God forsaken hell hole that has succeeded in swallowing our marriage thus far, and I want him to leave today! I know that he can’t. Two weeks notice and hasn’t found a job and blah blah blah… but it’s the home stretch of a very long game, and I’m not sure how much longer I can hold my breath.

49 days until I graduate. May as well be an eternity. And there’s no guarantee that will be the end of the bullshit. There’s no guarantee there will be a base to move to, a job waiting for him. There’s no guarantee that I won’t end up completing the most important accomplishment of my life, only to watch my husband leave me again for a paycheck. I know that sounds overly critical, but I can’t help but look at any other way.

I am tired. I am tired of waiting. I am tired of holding my breath. I am tired of treading water. I want things to move, and I’m just not sure how much longer I can wait… the Klonapin seems to be helping less and less. I can’t imagine the nutcase I’d be without it.

 

In case anyone is wondering, I will be going to the gym today. I will probably go shortly after I write this entry. And I had a good, fiber-rich breakfast this morning and have planned a healthy lunch. I will not smoke today. I have promised myself that much. I won’t guarantee tomorrow, but I never do. I simply wake up each day and promise myself that today is not the day I break. I hope that method holds…

I don’t want you all to feel sorry for me. I know I sound like "oh poor pitiful me" but I know I have it better than so many people. I just need to vent the venom that builds up sometimes. I need to express what I keep saying… I need to write the words I feel are falling on deaf ears.

I will be fine. As my mother said, I am a strong woman. I am a survivor. If I was going to lay down and die, I have had plenty of opportunities to do so. I tried once–to curl up and die–but it didn’t stick. I suppose that’s God’s way of saying there’s still work to be done.

I remember this quote I read a while back that cracked me up. "Suicide is your way of telling God, Fuck you I quit!" I tried that so many years ago. It seems to me, if God still needs you around–if it isn’t your time–He doesn’t let you quit (and makes getting back all you’ve managed to throw away a hell of an ordeal in the process).

BTW, I am not contemplating suicide. I would not contemplate it if Grant worked with his dad. Just a funny quote, people. Seriously. And if I ever did contemplate, I know who to call…

 

I’m going to go now. I have a history test on Tuesday and a project on Thursday.  I can’t tell you how thrilled I am.

Cheers to a weekend full of stress and strife. Hope your weekend is more restful and relaxing

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CIAO!