Writing, Life, Happiness

I never write here anymore. Let’s talk about why.

Now, I don’t intend for this to be an entry in which I write about how I feel like I’ve outgrown Open Diary as I am generally annoyed by such entries, but I have a feeling that is ultimately what I am going to end up saying in so many words(which, yes, does indeed make me annoyed with myself). Now, I’m not about to say that I’ve grown to a point where I don’t still have a need to rant about all the annoyances and drama of my life – I still rather do need to do that on a regular basis. It’s more that I’ve progressed to a point in my life where I am less in need of an audience to listen to me.

In short, I have more real friends who I am open with now. My near-nightly phone conversations with Heather probably act more as a diary for me than writing on this website ever did and, perhaps more significantly, I have developed a greater social life than I’ve previously ever had. The truth is my slowly developing sociality probably has more to do with my lack of writing on this website than anything else – I think this website has always been more about socializing for me than it ever really was about writing. And the reality is, as lovely as I find all of you, I’ve become more fond of socializing in person than online.

I think I do still have a desire to write my most private thoughts somewhere, but I don’t think that place is or ever has been here. As I said, I feel like I began using this website more for sociality than for an anonymous place to write and because of that, well, it isn’t much of an anonymous place anymore. I’ve met quite a few of you Open Diarists in “real life” and even more of you have access to fun places like my facebook account, which makes you anything but anonymous readers. Complicating things even more is that the most intimate relationship I’ve ever developed in my life was developed with a person who I met from this website which, as one might expect, complicates writing freely about her and the beautiful relationship that we have.

I have toyed with the idea of opening another account here, but since this account already has a lifetime plus membership doing so strikes me as a bit silly. Though if anyone wants to volunteer to buy me a new plus membership I guarantee you free access to the new diary of my ultra-private thoughts!

At any rate, I don’t mean to imply that this will be anything close to my last entry on Open Diary. I love the community here and will still be around to participate and I’m sure there will be times when I am writing and noting on a near daily basis again. Life is transient and perhaps one day I will once again be more in need of the sociality this place provides.

Anyway, in all this talk about writing I’ve forgotten to mention how I’ve been doing in the last month and I take pause to mention it because I want to say this: I’ve been doing really great. I think in some ways I am sincerely as happy as I’ve been in my life, though perhaps happy is the wrong term – I am certainly nowhere nearly as giddy as I was for a few months back, say, when I was first starting my relationship with Heather all those years ago. But in so many ways that was a falsified happiness, fueled by a desperate need for a connection that I had that was being met for the first time and that was entirely dependent on that connection supporting it. As I write this right now, I feel a serenity surrounding my life that has been growing for months and years now. I now have a happiness that isn’t so fragile that it will collapse with the disapproval of one person. I am a strong, mature, moral person who knows himself and increasingly knows what he wants from life. Which isn’t to say that I don’t still have lots of work to do – for example, I am still frustrated with myself for acting like a complete immature baby a few days ago while Heather was visiting me. But I am becoming increasingly comfortable with accepting my shortcomings when they occur, but also refusing to accept them as the best that I can do. This is a very delicate balance, but it is my mission in life to find that balance and use it to make myself the best person that I possibly can.

I’ll be sure to write in here and keep everyone updated on how I’m doing.