Messy Love
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People have told me for years now that Heather and I will get back together. I’ve been told it with contempt, told it with encouragement, told it as a warning, told it as simple fact. But the message is the same, inevitably, Heather and I will be together again. It’s a certainty.
Over time my own certainty has altered back and forth from being certain that we will be together again to being certain that we won’t. These days I mostly stay certain that we won’t, only to sometimes wonder if we aren’t already and just don’t admit it. We’re back to talking on a near daily basis and things overall are suspiciously as they were when we were “together” only with slightly less mushiness.
I think people really fall for one another for two reasons, not just date each other mind you, but genuinely obsessively fall for one another. I think it usually happens because a person is either very lonely and desperate for affection or a person is genuinely in love. And I think my relationship with Heather is what happens when people are both. An overdose of the messiness and overbearing neediness that results from the desperateness mixed with the intense feelings of caring and respect that result from the love.
It took me a while to figure this out – that it was possible that my relationship with Heather could be sprung from neediness and that at the same time there could also be genuine love there. I spent months last year convincing myself that I had placed my relationship with Heather on a pedestal and, while she was a perfectly nice girl, the intimacy that I generated with her was mostly due to the situation and could be repeated easily enough. But talking to her again, seeing her again – there’s no one else who generates feelings in me the same way that she does. No one else who I can talk to as freely or kiss as passionately.
In another life things could be different between us. She told me this a few days ago, but it’s also something that I’ve told people verbatim in the past, that things could be different in another life. Another life where we didn’t live a country apart. Another life where we didn’t share as much hurt in the past. Another life where our religious beliefs didn’t clash as strongly.
But there is no alternate life that we will ever live, so all we can ever have is this, this messy love that is maybe the stronger for just how messy it’s been. Sometimes I wonder if we are just setting ourselves up for the inevitable hurt that will come when one of us moves on with our lives. I wonder if I’m just being foolish by doing this again. But tonight she will call me and I will pick up and I will have the best conversations of my life and not regret it, because there isn’t another life that I will live and having Heather in this life makes it a little more worth living.
I don’t know if I can really add anything to this. The strength of my feelings is produced so differently – produced by the opposite of distance I guess. And my relationships have always come crashing down due to a lack of – brakes. Not a lack of – beginnings, of acceleration. Not sure if I’m making sense here.
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I love everything about this entry…I really don’t even know what to say.
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I’m such a romantic, haha. I thought “screw all that other stuff, the logistics of different countries, the different religious views, the hurt in the past. You only live once through.” But that could be because I am in a relationship I never expected.
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I’m only really talking about Kira & John & Natalie. Plenty of other girls have pulled up very short before a relationship properly started. They don’t get under my skin and in my brain though, if I don’t live them, not long term. I didn’t know Heather was religious, though it doesn’t surprise me. (Unless you mean you’re secretly a mormon or summat.)
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Fine, see if I ever call you again!! I like coming to realizations such as this. ~I’ll be
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Congratulations on making the coveteted last spot on my list of favorites to check today. ^_^ Just thought I’d mention that. Whenever I check my favorites I pull all the links out into new tabs in the order I want to read them, saving the best one for last. I feel like you haven’t written in a while, or maybe we just haven’t talked in a while, or something. Er, uh, to note the actual entry: Contempt! That’s me! ::waves flag:: Yeah, and I’m a bitch for it, I’ll freely admit it. I think I fit squarely in the category of your “terrible person friend.” I like this entry though (even if you have thrown me into doubts about my relationship with Joseph…eeeugh).
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God, this is so romantic. Oh, Matt. Sorry I didn’t pick up today, I was doing homework. xoxox
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You know, you’re a really cool, interesting guy. I don’t know how to articulate what I mean.
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Hey, thanks for your note. : ) ~I’ll be
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I will have you know that I purposely did not respond to your indifference in your previous entry by leaving you a note. I just want credit for not falling under your indifferent spell. Perhaps you’ve said it before and I’ve just missed it, but what are Heather’s religious beliefs?
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RYN – If he wasn’t married, he would be too good to be true. ~I’ll be
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i have both too much and too little to say to this, if you understand what i mean.
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Actually our birthdays are 8 days apart. And you missed mine.
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This is a really beautiful entry. I liked it a lot.
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Lol, I love you. You and ONE other person actually tried to answer. I will reveal answers soon. 🙂
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I concur, again. Why aren’t you responding to me? I just messaged you and I know you’re online!
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RYN – yeah, all he’s gotten are those generic Thanks For Applying! e-mails. It’s really frustrating. ~I’ll be
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The character of a relationship need have no more relationship to its genesis any more than the character of a person needs to be related to the fact that he was conceived in fifteen seconds of messy love.
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yay for fun times with heather!
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“I think it usually happens because a person is either very lonely and desperate for affection or a person is genuinely in love.” My friend is a bit on the needy/clingy side and she’s dating a real douche (pardon my french on your diary) and I used your theory in talking with her about it. So thanks for putting it better than I could. 🙂
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