Dilemma
So. I enjoyed my second date with Calesha. It’s all just really nice. Having someone actually here to go on dates with is, as has often been suggested to me, rather enjoyable, even if it isn’t the most substantial of things.
But, it definitely isn’t the most substantial of things, which brings about my dilemma: I’m still unconvinced that Calesha is someone I want to have an exclusive relationship with, especially in the long term. But that begs the question of what do I even want out of a relationship anyway? I’m not sure I really know. What even defines being “in a relationship” with someone? In essence, doesn’t that mean you’re just going out and doing things with someone exclusively? And why couldn’t I do that with Calesha?
What I really want to do is just keep going out with Calesha indefinitely and enjoying that without having to make any “official” relationship commitment, but she isn’t going to be ok with that. She’s already eager to be my girlfriend, and, while I can reasonably say that I need more time to consider that for now (it’s only been 2 dates!) eventually I’m going to have to make a decision here. And, it’s strange, because I don’t think Calesha really wants a lot more out of a relationship than I do, but at the same time I’m beyond hesitant to actually be her boyfriend.
I think part of it is just that, I am not sure I want to take on the obligation of being a “boyfriend.” I don’t want to feel obligated to call my girlfriend every night, tell her what I’ve been doing, etc. I’m not doing that. And even if I tell Calesha that that’s not the type of relationship I’m looking for, somehow I still feel like that’s what she’s going to be expecting out of me. And I just don’t want to give that, I don’t want her to give that, I just want to be an independent person.
Our last date, I started feeling really guilty for being there, I couldn’t shake the feeling I was leading her on – she just likes me so much and is so eager to be my girlfriend and it just makes it seem wrong somehow. Like I’m just using her for an ego trip. And I remember holding her right before I left and hugging her and thinking of just how nice it was and yet at the same time feeling like I was hugging her goodbye and feeling sad about that and, I don’t know, it’s all just so weird. I was just looking at her and knowing that she wanted me to kiss her and ask her to be my girlfriend and knowing how happy that would make her, and I just felt so . . . I don’t know. Old.
Everyone keeps telling me that I shouldn’t date Calesha because I would be settling. And, I admit, in a lot of ways, she isn’t my ideal girl. She’s woefully inexperienced in relationships (not just romantic ones, I don’t think) and she doesn’t really share a lot of my interests (for one, she doesn’t read books). But, at the same time, does this ideal girl of mine even exist? Where am I going to find this virginal girl who is also emotionally mature and ready for serious relationships? And who is also madly in love with me?
I don’t know, I just think the idea of “settling” is flawed logic. We’re all flawed people and the best we can ever do is decide whether we want to accept a person for who they are, flaws and all. Right?
This entry is really all over the place, I think because I’m so conflicted about this right now. Going out with Calesha has made me really happy, but it also just feels wrong somehow. And no matter how many rationalizations I write or how long I ramble on about it, that’s the entry, that’s the dilemma, it’s that I’m having such a great time but it’s all feels so fucking wrong.
Meh, you know most of my thoughts on this and I’m about to traipse back to our IM conversation and tell you more of them. Love.
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Hrmph. Check your inbox.
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having someone tangible to spend time with is nice, but…please don’t ignore your gut. i learned that the hard way. 🙁
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I think as long as she knows exactly where you stand, “I don’t know if I want to be in a relationship right now, I feel like being independent and grown up with my new job and all,” etc., it isn’t wrong. And somehow let her know not to expect it. Maybe start by telling her that pessimists are happier in the long run because they don’t have expectations and that she should follow suit. ~I’ll be
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Just tell her the truth. That you really like hanging out with her and you’re having fun, but that you don’t want commitment and that you aren’t exclusive. If she’s only looking for exclusivity, she either won’t wait around for you (hah!) or she’ll tell you she’s okay with that and stick by you hoping that you change you mind. But as long as she knows the truth, it’s not your fault. ~I’ll be
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Girls want companionship for the most part. So yes she probably will want to call you or have you call every night. I think if you want to stay independent you should date around and not date one girl. My friends and I have a theory that once you get on the 4th date…its more than dating. The girl will start developing attachments and such…maybe even before that but deff then.
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Have you discussed any of this with her? Granted, she may not be able to have a mature discussion about these things, but it seems like one of those things worth trying. My guess is that it’s not going to go any farther simply because you want different things. Too bad, though. She seems really nice.
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P.S. I don’t think you’d be settling with her; you just can’t force yourself to want something you don’t.
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The perfect person doesn’t exist. If you manage to find someone who perfectly fits your ideal and has absolutely no personality traits or past issues that get under your skin even a little bit, well I think you’d be fooling yourself. My dating rule was always not to see a guy for long if I knew I couldn’t marry him. It takes longer to realize with some people than others…
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And it doesn’t mean you have to take everything super seriously. But I never saw the point of going out with a guy that I knew had some issues that I couldn’t get past. Once you’re sure that you won’t be able to deal with certain aspects of Calesha long-term, then it’s time to stop seeing her, because then you really will be leading her on…
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On the flip side, my fiance didn’t think he could get past dating a virgin. That was something he had to decide for himself, whether or not that would be something he could handle. Just because certain things about Calesha bother you now doesn’t mean you two won’t be able to work through them. But that’s the kind of thing that takes a lot more time and effort than most people are willing to give.
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Yeah, I say as long as you tell her where you stand it’s not your fault. Tell her how you feel, and let her decide what she wants to do about it (and just hope that it isn’t becoming a creepy stalker or anything :p). Also, I say if she wants/needs you to call her every night there’s an issue. I’m not really a typical girl, but I say you should be able to go a few days without talking to your significant other (especially in the beginning of a relationship). The perfect person doesn’t exist. You can find someone that’s perfect for you, but it also might not be what you’re expecting. When I was younger, I had this whole image of the type of person I wanted to be with. My husband isn’t really like that image in a lot of ways, but that’s okay by me. I don’t feel like I settled at all. Good luck sorting it all out. 🙂 TTFN and have fun, ♥ Andrea
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Settling or not, what KIND of a relationship can you have with her besides an extremely casual one?
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i totally expect you to rub it in my face when it’s posible but: IT WAS SO F-CKING GOOD. no pun intended . . . 🙂
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um. *points to self* hello, perfect girl over here. :/ You really shouldn’t settle. If you have that ideal person in your head, wait for them to come along. It’ll be so worth it when it happens, and the way the world works, if you settle now, that perfect person will waltz into your life once you have settled. Cause that’s the way it works.
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From what I am getting, you feel somewhat suffocated by her at times. The thought of you having to commit to her so fast makes you feel like you can’t breathe. If you feel this way, I think that you should tell her upfront now because it is only going to get worse. Calesha seems like a sweetheart, but she also seems like she isn’t right for you, either. If your instincts are pulling you every which a way, they are probably telling you it isn’t a good idea to further pursue the relationship because you aren’t ready. After I met my boyfriend, I didn’t realize how much attention that you need from your partner and vice versa. When you become involve in a relationship, you can’t do what you want to do all the time…you have to make sure you share with that person what you are doing because you are sharing a life with them. It is one of the responsibilities of a relationship. Yet, this is all just from my perspective, though. ~Sophia
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Or…it might not be that she isn’t right for you…at this time, this moment, she isn’t. I forgot to include in my other observations she seems a bit immature for you. You seem like a really mature person, so you need someone that is on your level. One of the reasons my boyfriend and I click is because we have many interests. He likes to read. I love to read. He likes to cook. I love to cook. etc. So, having common interests definitely helps the relationship and also being on the same maturity level, too. I think that Calesha likes you, but she maybe into the idea of having you as a boyfriend more than having you as a friend starting out. Again, just my opinions/thoughts.
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ryn Yeah I feel better, last night wasn’t half so bad. And I went to work yesterday and ate and normal stuff like that, yeah. thanks.
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I think settling is bullshit too. Though I’ve seen plenty of girls try slumming it with me, which is rather different. I think you’ve hit the nail on the head though: you can’t realistically expect a girl to be mature and experienced in relationships and this sweet innocent thing simultaneously, can you? I mean having sex and relationships is what MAKES you not sweet and innocent,right? Also, and I fall prey to this every time, just because you think about relationships doesn’t mean you’re experienced at them. Careful with that…
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oy.
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ryn: I got conned into staying three extra hours at work after I was already dying of boredom and tiredness, so by the time I got home the only thing I had energy for was to chat with you a little bit and then bum around on the internet. You KNEW all that you jackass.
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