Resolution?

So, today was bound to be a pretty awkward day following my mother’s blow-up last night and it was, indeed, quite awkward for most of the day. There was lots of tension and silence throughout the day and it was actually starting to wear on me quite a bit until I finally confronted my mom tonight on what was bothering her. She asked me if I was still going out with Calesha tomorrow and I said that, yes, I was and she started crying again and I thought, great, here we go. 

She started tonight off by accusing me of “plotting” this for years, saying that I’d told her years ago that I’d love to date a black girl and shove it in people’s faces. I told her that I had never said that (which I haven’t), that I did tell her years ago that I wouldn’t have an issue dating a black girl and that it’s perfectly plausible that it might happen one day, though generally unlikely since I, like most people, usually interact with people of the same race. She kept going on about how I was just doing it to spite her, that I had wanted to for years, I let her go on a bit and tried to talk her through it and explain to her that there’s no reason that I’d want to upset her, that it hurts me to upset her and that it was certainly not my intention when I took Calesha out, that I had no idea the level to which it would upset her. I kept my composure, let her get her words in, and calmly told her how I felt. She began to accept what I was saying a little.

But she was still crying and said “No matter how much I beg, no matter if I get on my knees, that doesn’t matter to you, you don’t care” and I told her “I care about your opinion a lot. If I had brought Calesha home and you met her and for whatever reason you didn’t like her as a person and didn’t think she was the type of person you approved of me being with, then I would listen to you and value your opinion as much as anyone’s. It meant a lot to me when Heather visited and you went on about how much you liked her. I care about your opinion. But, the fact that you’ve never met the girl, that you yourself said that you don’t even know her, and the only thing you are judging her by is her race, that isn’t right to me. To me, for me to not associate with her just because of her skin color is the wrong thing to do. In my mind she is just a person like me and, on my moral compass, I don’t think it is the right thing to do to not associate with her just because she’s black. It’s nothing to do with me not being willing to listen to your opinion. It’s about me being able to do what I feel is right.”

I went on to tell her that, at this point, I was far from being in anything near a serious relationship with Calesha and that I thought that she was prematurely upset about the situation. She said that just the possibility of me being with a black girl upset her. She said, “It’s not that I don’t like them, you know I do, I know you can’t stand it when people think less of someone, it’s not that, it’s not that, it’s just when I grew up that’s the worst thing you could do, date someone like that.” I told her that the possibility of me being in a serious relationship with a black girl really hadn’t increased that much in the past few weeks, but that the possibility had always been there and would continue to be there. I told her that things very well might not work out with Calesha, but it wouldn’t be due to her being black.

 “And if they do work out I’ll just have to get used to it?”

 “Yeah, you’ll just have to get used to it.”

 In the end she told me that she felt better about the situation now. For the first time, it felt like there was at least some form of resolution to the matter, that at least the issue won’t be hovering over every interaction we have now.

It’s interesting how egocentric people can be though, including obviously my mother. That she would assume I was dating someone just to spite her or just to cause a commotion in general is a bit ridiculous. I was pretty shocked that she legitimately thought that that’s what I was trying to do. I asked her if she really thought that was the kind of person I was, the sort who goes around trying to start a scene or raise people’s ire just for his own amusement. Obviously I’m not, and she conceded that I wasn’t.

Overall, I’m very proud of how I’ve handled the whole situation. I’ve had my mother – the person who raised me and I am closer to than anyone in this world, who has babied me and loved me like no one else – I’ve had her repeatedly sobbing in front of me throughout the last week and I didn’t lose my cool with her at all. I stayed calm, I explained to her how I felt, I didn’t make unnecessary accusations or try to turn her into the bad guy. I gave her a chance to say what she wanted to say, pointed out the issues I had with it, and let her know that I valued her opinion a lot, it was just that we had a moral disagreement on this issue and that I felt she was asking me to do something that was directly against what my morals are. I don’t think I could have done much better than that. And it worked pretty well in the end.

Now tomorrow I actually have the stupid date that all these tears have been over. Lets hope it’s worth it.

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