Probably Not What You Expected

So, um, Heather and I have sorta broken up.
 
I suppose maybe we’re just “taking a break” though the idea of taking a break seems a little odd when you’re thousands of miles apart already. At any rate, I guess we won’t be talking as much. I realize this is probably a little shocking given I was only just going on about how much I missed her (which I definitely did), but this isn’t as sudden as it probably seems on here. There’s been a gradual distancing that’s been going on for a while now that I was sorta in denial about. Or, actually, no, it wasn’t so much denial as a conscious choice to avoid facing things and by the time I decided to I think it was too late. I realize this is all a very oversimplified explanation, but it’s all I really feel like offering right now
 
I know it looks bad that we just met – it implies that the meeting didn’t go very well, after all. Honestly, I still think it went as well as could have been expected and Heather assures me she agrees, as contradictory as that sounds. If anything I think Heather may have delayed bringing how she felt about some things to the forefront until after we met – it would have been pretty unbearably disappointing if after all the build-up we didn’t even meet. Though, now that we did meet I know more clearly what we could have had if things had gone differently – I don’t know why I’m debating this. I’m certainly glad we met, at any rate.
 
Anyway, I’m definitely not mad at Heather or anything like that, nothing that’s happening is unjustified and justification isn’t really required anyway. I am a little irritated at myself – I sucked myself in to the romantic notion of “our relationship is different than all the others!” which was foolish. I just know better. I don’t mean that too negatively, just that we got into the same power struggles and testing of each other that happen in every relationship; I’m not sure how I reasoned that Heather and I might conquer human nature. Understand, when I say that our relationship wasn’t different I don’t mean that Heather wasn’t different – she’s honestly still the most amazing person I’ve ever met and the only girl I’ve ever even wanted to start a relationship with (including the original “The Goddess”). Which is discouraging in a way – I’m not sure how likely it is I’m going to find someone else I feel the same way about and have them requite the feelings. Though, if anything, Heather’s helped improve my general opinion of relationships; granted they weren’t very high to begin with. I’ve always promised that I wouldn’t force myself in one due to some societal expectation and that hasn’t changed, anyway.
 
I’ve also let myself slip into relying on Heather a lot – it’s not healthy. It’s just that I normally disguise how I really feel about anything; it’s an odd form of power. If I hide/control how I genuinely feel, then I can control any situation without feelings getting in the way. At any rate, I somehow managed to completely drop the guise with Heather, which was both good and bad. It was definitely healthy for me, but it also made me a little needy. I’m 10 times closer to Heather than I am anyone else, including Kyle, and I’m probably 10 times closer to him than anyone else, excluding my mother. It’s going to be hard to have that taken away, obviously.
 
I know that all of you are going to have numerous questions about everything; I’m not entirely sure you’ll get all the answers or that I have all of them. I’m sure Heather will write about everything as well, only much more eloquently. And I’ll have more to say too. So, we’ll see.
 
And, hey, at least I should get less mushy notes now . . .