Grades

Well, I completed my first test today in my second summer course (Cost Accounting), and I think it went well enough. Hopefully I can churn an A in the course after garnering B’s in my last 2 Accounting classes – not that it really matters, anyway.
 
I still embarrassingly care a bit much about my grades (granted, this doesn’t often translate into studying), probably because of some childhood issues I still have concerning it. I suppose I may as well ramble about it a bit.
 
When I was a kid, my mother would cry whenever I made a failing grade. I mean this in the sense that she cried whenever I had 1 failing grade in a set of 30 assignments. I’m not sure that I can really explain it clearly. I realize now that she was probably crying because she thought she was failing as a mother (which is telling being that I generally had among the highest scores in all my classes), but I don’t know that as a kid you can really comprehend that. I just took it as me letting my mother down and forcing her to cry. And, I know it’s cliché to say, but I’d rather that she had screamed obscenities at me than sit and cry because of what I’d done, because of how I’d failed her.
 
I still think it hovers in my mind somewhere, in its own stupid illogical way, like childhood memories always seem to. There’s still a part of me that’s scared to make a failing grade, because then I’d have to show it to her and see how I’d failed her again. It’s not a very healthy sort of motivation.
 
Or maybe I’m just being dramatic. I don’t know. I just know I still get more nervous than makes sense when graded papers are handed back. Granted, this could be due to my own personal perfectionist qualities and not my poor mother, but it’s easier to assign the blame to her.
 
Anyway, this sort of rambling nonsense is what happens when you write entries at 4:30 in the morning. I’m going to bed.