Funnies (cont’d)…
(<—————- Go thataway for the start of the funnies!! – and the WARNING!)
A blind man with his guide dog walked into a bar.
The blind man picked up the dog and swung it around and around
over his head.
The bartender runs up and asks, "Man, What the heck are you
doing?"
The blind man replies,"Just looking around."
"OLD" IS WHEN….. Your sweetie says, "Let’s go upstairs and make
love," and you answer, "Honey, I can’t do both!"
"OLD" IS WHEN….. Your friends compliment you on your new
alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN….. When you are cautioned to slow down by the
doctor instead of by the police.
One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the
class that on each Friday, she will ask a question, and anyone who
answers correctly doesn’t have to come to school the following
Monday.
On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand
are on the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer.
The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars
are in the sky?" And again no one could answer.
Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would
somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend.
So Thursday night, Johnny takes 200 Ping-Pong balls and paints
them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag.
At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here’s this
week’s question," Johnny empties the bag on the floor, sending the
Ping-Pong balls rolling to the front of the room.
The teacher shouts, "Okay, who’s the comedian with the black
balls?"
Immediately, little Johnny stands up and yells, "Bill Cosby!
70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests
came back with normal results.
Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How
are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with
yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?"
George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor
eyesight, so he’s fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of
the night to go to the bathroom, poof! the light goes on when I
pee, and then poof! the light goes off when I’m done."
"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "That’s incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George’s wife.
"Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he’s great.
But I had to call because I’m in awe of his relationship with God.
Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light
goes on in the bathroom and then poof! the light goes off?"
Thelma exclaimed, "That damn old fool! He’s peeing in the
refrigerator again!"
A chicken farmer went to a local bar… Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, ‘How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!’
‘What a coincidence,’ the farmer says, ‘This is a special day for me, I’m celebrating.’
‘This is a special day for me too, I’m also celebrating!’ says the woman.
‘What a coincidence,’ says the man. As they clinked glasses the farmer asked, ‘What are you celebrating?’
‘My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I’m pregnant!’
‘What a coincidence,’ says the man… ‘I’m a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they’re finally laying fertilized eggs.’
‘That’s great!’ says the woman, ‘How did your chickens become fertile?’
‘I used a different cock,’ he replied.
The woman smiled and said, ‘What a coincidence…’
HEAVENLY MATRIMONY?
You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
‘Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?’
‘Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.’
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
‘Husband Wanted’.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
‘You can have mine.’
When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.
A little boy asked his father,
‘Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?’
Father replied, ‘I don’t know son, I’m still paying.
A young son asked,
‘Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?’
Dad replied, ‘That happens in every country, son.’
Then there was a woman who said,
‘I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late.’
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say — talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
First guy says, ‘My wife’s an angel!’
Second guy remarks, ‘You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.’
‘A Woman’s Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for wisdom, to understand a man, to Love and to forgive him, and for patience, for his moods.
Because Lord, if I pray for strength I’ll just beat him to death!’
1. Man-Flu is more painful than childbirth. This is an irrefutable scientific fact*.
*(Based on a survey of over 100,000 men.)
2. Man-Flu is not ‘just a cold’. It is a condition so severe that the germs from a single Man-Flu sneeze could wipe out entire tribes of people living in the rainforest. And probably loads of monkeys too.
3. Women do not contract Man-Flu. At worst they suffer from what is medically recognised as a ‘Mild Girly Sniffle’ which, if a man caught, he would still be able to run, throw a ball, tear the phone book in half and compete in all other kinds of manly activities.
4. Men do not ‘moan’ when they have Man-Flu. They emit involuntary groans of agony that are entirely in proportion to the unbearable pain they are in.
5. Full recovery from Man-Flu will take place much quicker if their simple requests for care, sympathy and regular cups of tea are met. Is that really so much to ask? Florence Nightingale would have done it.
6. More men die each year from MFN (Man-Flu Neglect) than lots and lots of other things. (Like rabbit attacks or choking on toast).
7. Men suffering from Man-Flu want nothing more than to get out of bed and come to work, but they are too selfless to risk s
preading this awful condition amongst their friends and colleagues. In this sense, they are the greatest heroes this country has ever known.
8. In 1982 scientists managed to simulate the agonising symptoms of full blown Man-Flu in a female chimp. She became so ill that her head literally fell off.
9. Man-Flu germs are more powerful than He-Man, The Thundercats and The A-Team combined. They are too strong for weak, nasty tasting ‘lady medicines’ like Lemsip, so don’t bother trying to force them on a victim of Man-Flu.
10. While it may seem like a Man-Flu sufferer is just lying around enjoying ‘Diagnosis Murder’ it is a commonly recognised medical fact that the exact pitch and frequency of Dick Van Dyke’s voice has remarkable soothing powers.
Every minute in this country one man is struck down by Man-Flu. Women, all we ask is that each of you offers them a cup of tea, some kind words and your undivided attention and care. Then maybe, just maybe, we’ll beat this monstrous disease together.
IRISH MILLIONAIRE:
Mick, from Dublin , appeared on ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’ and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds. You’ve done very well so far,’ said, Chris Tarrant, the show’s presenter, ‘but for a million pounds you’ve only got one lifeline left – phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question……will you go for it?’
‘Sure,’ said Mick. ‘I’ll have a go!’
‘Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest:
A: Sparrow
B: Thrush
C: Magpie
D: Cuckoo’
‘I haven’t got a clue,’ said Mick, ‘so I’ll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin.’
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
‘Fookin’ hell, Mick!’ cried Paddy. ‘Dat’s simple… it’s a cuckoo.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘I’m fookin sure.’
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, ‘I’ll go wit Cuckoo as me answer.’
‘Is that your final answer?’ asked Chris.
‘Dat it is, Sir.’
There was a long – long pause, then the presenter screamed, ‘Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you’ve won 1 million pounds!’
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
‘Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven’s name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn’t build it’s own nest?’
‘Because he lives in a Fookin clock.’
There’s a blond sitting in a rowboat in the middle of a field.
She’s rowing and rowing and rowing and not getting anywhere…
Another blonde drives down the road, pulls up alongside her and stops.
She gets out and screams at the blond in the rowboat saying:
"Ya know, it’s people like you that give blond’s like me a bad name…
…and if I could swim, I’d come over there and whack you upside the head with an oar!"
Will I live to be 80?
Recently I turned 61 and had to choose a new primary care physician for my age. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing ‘fairly well’ for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, ‘Do you think I will live to be 80?’
He asked, ‘Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?’
‘Oh no,’ I replied. ‘I don’t do drugs, either.’
He asked, ‘Do you have many friends and entertain frequently?’
I said, ‘No, I usually stay home and keep to myself.’
He asked, ‘Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?’
I said, ‘No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!’
He asked, ‘Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, tennis, sailing, hiking or bicycling?’
‘No, I don’t,’ I said.
He asked, ‘Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?’
‘No,’ I said. ‘I don’t do any of those things.’
He looked at me and said, ‘Then why do you give a shit?’
ITALIAN VIRGIN
Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother’s house, she was very nervous.
Her mother reassured her;
"Don’t worry, Maria, Tony’s a good man. Go upstairs and he’ll take care of you.
"Meanwhile, I’ll be making pasta."
So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a big hairy chest."
"Don’t worry, Maria," says the mother, "all good men have hairy chests.
Go upstairs. He’ll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he’s got hairy legs!"
"Don’t worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony’s a good man Go upstairs and he’ll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a foot and a half!"
Her Mama said, "Stay here and stir the pasta.’
These were genuine sentences in letters written to councils in UK
1. It’s the dogs’ mess that I find hard to swallow
2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
3. I wish to complain that my father burnt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
4. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are plain filthy.
11. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it’s now getting too much for me.
16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a t
hird so please send someone round to do something about it.
18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can’t get BBC2.
22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
23. He’s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can’t take it anymore.
A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, ‘Let’s go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.’
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, ‘What would you say is my best feature?’
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, ‘It’s got to be your ears.’
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, ‘My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my
butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin – no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?’
Clearing his throat, he stammered …. ‘Outside, when you said you heard someone coming…. that was me.’
A far more accurate account in the Bears’ house of the events on that fateful morning…
Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. ‘Who’s been eating
my porridge?’ he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. ‘Who’s been eating my porridge?!?’ he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, ‘For God’s sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.
‘It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat’s litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.
‘And now that you’ve decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I’m only going to say this once….
‘I HAVEN’T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET!!’
Hilarious Quotes From Sports Commentators
-Pat Glenn – Weightlifting Commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria…. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing."
-Ted Walsh – Horse Racing Commentator: "This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother."
-Murray Walker: "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical."
-Greg Norman: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
-Alan Minter: "Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing – but none of them serious."
-Terry Venables: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again"
-Ron Atkinson: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn’t like it – you can see it all over their faces."
-Harry Carpenter – BBC TV Boat Race 1977: "Ah, isn’t that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."
-Metro Radio: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It’s like they’ve got eleven Dicks on the field."
-David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics: "There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class."
-US TV Commentator: "One of the reasons Arnie [Arnold Palmer] is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them… Oh my God, what have I just said?"
Modern Day Fairy Tale
Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess’ lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself, "I don’t f**kin think so!"
Points To Ponder
~ Marriage is like taking a hot bath. After you’ve been in it for a while… it isn’t so hot.
~ I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.’
~ If you’re playing a poker game and you look around the table and can’t tell who the sucker is— it’s you.
~ Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
~ I asked Mom if I was a gifted child… she said they certainly wouldn’t have paid for me.
~ Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to.
~ According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they’re a bunch of liars.
~ Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
~ All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
~ Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?
~ In the 60’s people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take prozac to make it normal.
~ Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a v
ery close resemblance to the first.
~ There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
~ How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a barbecue?
~ Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, "I wish you’d come to me sooner."
An older gentleman went to his doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him he was fine and asked if he had any concerns. The man said, "Yes, I do. When my wife and I make love, the first time it is freezing cold and the second time it is blazing hot!" The doctor was puzzled, so he asked the man’s wife if she knew what was going on. She said, "the old fool – we make love twice a year – once in January and once in July!"
Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more.
The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it… your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."
Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America and de odder in Australia and here I am in Dublin . When we all left home, we promised dat we’d drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."
The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more.
Patrick becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way… ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn until they are finished.. One day, he comes in and orders just two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.
When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, "I don’t want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh, "Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine! Tis me… I’ve quit drinking!’
A little girl accompanies her Daddy to the barbers to watch him have his hair trimmed. She is stood next to the barbers chair watching in earnest, eating a cupcake as she does.
The barber says "You’re gonna get hair on your muffin!"
The little girl replies "I know! my mummy told me, and I’m gonna grow boobies!"
A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the wooden toilet seat.
The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor.
She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go.
When they get to the doctor’s, the man lifts his wife’s coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"
"Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but never framed."
Three men were trekking through the desert and came across a magician. The magician was standing at the top of a slide. The magician than said, ”You may each go down the slide, asking for a drink. When you reach the bottom of the slide you shall land in a huge glass of that drink.
The first man went down yelling, ”Beeeer!!!” Plop! He landed in a huge glass of beer.
The second guy went down the slide yelling,”Lemonaaaaaaaaade!!!” Plop! He landed in a huge glass of lemonade.
The third guy went down the slide yelling ”Wheeeeeeeee!!!”
One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.
"It’s certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.
Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replies the Irishman.
With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Faith and begorah! Is that good!"
"And how long has it been since you’ve had a sip of good Irish Whiskey?" she asks him.
Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years."
She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis absolutely fantastic!"
At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you’ve played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, Sweet Jesus! Don’t tell me you’ve got golf clubs in there too."
Have you heard the joke about the two nuns?
Two nuns are driving in a car, when suddenly a vampire jumps on the bonnet of the car.
Scared, Sister Mary says, "Sister Josephine, show him your cross!"
So Sister Josephine winds down her window and says, "Get off the bloody car before I break your neck!!!!"
While her husband was lying down, his wife removed his glasses. "You know, honey," she said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married."
"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!
Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. It was an interesting conversation.
* The first surgeon said, “I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered.”
* The second replied, “I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded.”
* The third added, “I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order.”
* The fourth one boasted, “I like to operate on lawyers. They’re heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable.”
* Fifth surgeon said, “I like Engineers. . . they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end…”
There’s more… To be continued!