A million little pieces…

I have no energy…No motivation…I just want to stay in bed and sleep the day away.
Not an option…But I do so wish it was.
Can’t sleep in tomorrow, have an observation…
Can’t stay home tonight…Have Science.

Is this fall out? Too much stress? I don’t know…I just know I can’t hardly take today.

Yesterday…
Headed to T.C. about 11:30, as I needed to be the far side of the city for my first observation…Got stopped in Acme by a state donut…For a dirty windshield!
O.o Okay, I understand that I need to be able to see out of it, and it was a bit difficult (but it was worse a bit before that), but I could still see, and it wasn’t affecting my driving.
I was shaking so bad…Joy…Because of my shaking, after he ran my licence and what not, and knowing I’ve not been in trouble for anything, he has me get out of the Blazer and go behind it, while he asks me a bunch of questions…
Are there drugs in the car? Do I have a card? Is there marijuana in the car? Are there weapons in the car? Is there a gun in the car? Are there pills in the car? Could anyone else have left any of the previously mentioned things in the car? Do I take prescription medications? Blah, blah, blah…Seriously?
I told him I was out of washer fluid, and didn’t know until I was on my way, and that the windshield got splattered by the cars driving in front of me.

Observation went fairly good.

I was dead tired between observation and the start of class…All I really wanted was a nap…Instead I get texts from the Idiot.
Him saying Harley told his class he was going to kill them all slow and painfully.
& that he had said something about killing the principal.
That school board members were calling him.
That parent’s were saying they were going to take their kids out of school because of Harley.
That Harley is going to get kicked out, and no school is going to take him, and his solution is sending him to military school.
I said I would home school him before he’d go to military school.
Idiot says you don’t get a high school diploma that way, only a GED.
I said it was still a diploma and enough that he could go to college if he wanted.
The last of it was me saying I’d set up another Dr. appointment to rethink meds (as gee, the ones he’s one, despite what the idiot was thinking, aren’t doing anything beneficial).

I talked, albeit briefly, with the principal/superintendent today.
His version was that Harley wanted his class to die a slow and painful death, but he wasn’t killing them.
& he didn’t say anything about Harley saying he wanted to kill him.
He said the "school board member" was a Former school board member, and had called him as well.
He said he talked to Harley, and Harley’s class…They had a class meeting to discuss what happened yesterday.
Harley’s class told him how they felt.
Harley had a bit of a breakdown, crying, while taking with the Principal. The Principal is content that things have been worked out satisfactorily.
I asked about parent’s saying they were going to take their kids out of school, it didn’t appear to be something he had heard.
[This convo was in two parts…Once when I dropped off Sonja’s computer cord, second when I dropped off other stuff to her.]

I had a break down before class last night…Gods I’m glad it is such a small class.
I did learn, via the professor being a elementary school teacher, and one of the other women in class working in a school, and dealing with IEPs that, apparently, as Harley has an IEP in place, he can’t actually get kicked out of school.

But yeah…This morning…Up has been so far beyond difficult.
I did drag myself up and out when Sonja needed her cord for her computer…Told her (depsite knowing I had other things I needed to take her) that it would be all I woudl have at that point. I just couldn’t make myself gather anything else up at that point.
I came back home, and slept off and on for the next hour and a half.
I just feel so heavy…

I made myself get up…Feed the animals, gather the things Sonja needed me to take her.
Getting dressed was a chore…At one point I was on the floor, near tears…I feel like I’m coming completely unraveled.
I lay down on the bed, coyote hide drapped over me…It was helpful, there was something there…But even it isn’t strong enough to banish all this anxiety.

Anxiety…That is a good portion of what it is…I know this…I’m shaking and wanting to just crumble, but trying not to.
I’ve had a couple anxiety attacks in the past, bad ones…I’m afraid that is what I’m looking at, that one is going to shake me hard soon…The two bad ones, I had someone there for me at the time…The first one, Raya sensed from the conversation we were having online what was happening, and called me, and talked to me while I was falling apart, and helped me pull myself back together…I can’t call her tho…She’s at work…
The second one wasn’t quite as bad, and Reese was there…She folded me up and talked me through it…

Things have been so messed up and hard…The empty feelings…The none to good thoughts…Stress upon stress…

When I took Sonja the things she needed…
Seen Harley in the hall…He was in a good mood, playing with his friends. He gave me a hug…Said something along the lines of "Momma, you’re shaking." 
I told him I knew, that it was okay. That he should go to class and learn stuff. He turned happily and went.
I continued walking with Sonja…We were taking her stuff to her locker…I think she sensed right away something was wrong, and that’s why she had us going to her locker…As almost instantly upon her seeing me she headed us that direction. Of course…She’s her…Special…I can’t believe I forgot that for a moment…Gods I love her (& Harley of course too).
I told her I brought her things…Told her I brought the white tights we had gotten her before, even though they were tight, but I wasn’t sure if I would be able to get her a new pair before tomorrow…She said it was okay, that it would work…I told her I wasn’t feeling right, that it was hard to get moving…That I hated telling her I wasn’t doing quite right…But she was okay with it all…She told me I should call my teacher and tell him I wasn’t coming to school…That I should just go home and rest. I told her I couldn’t, that I had to go to school tonight…
I feel guilty that she has to know I’m not having a good day, that I’m falling apart…But there was something about how she handled it…I can’t help but be proud of her. She has so much she has to deal with…*sigh*

I have to leave for school in 3 hours…I should do something…Anything…Before that time comes…But honestly…When I’m done here…I’ll be hard pressed not to just curl up and attempt more sleep. Which is bad, I know it is…& I know I need to be able to sleep tonight…I have to be able to function tomorrow, early.
I have an observation at the school in Boyne, at 8:30…I can’t even sleep in tomorrow…

I

need to do art…The thought of actually having to move…*sigh* 
I am quite a mess today…