Entry out of control…

Tuesday…Didn’t go quite as I had planned, but..- *shrugs*

I went to TC to attempt to get my transcripts sent. Foolish me, I figured it was all done electronically, all you had to do was go in and tell them where to send them, they’d look up a code, or something, and away they would go. Nope…Get in there and I need an address for them to be sent to. An address I didn’t have on me. So I took the paper I needed and left. Mum had the idea to stop at the University Center, as it should have the address…And I’m sure it does, BUT…Grand Valley’s office was all locked up. So yeah…Brought the paper home, going to take it back when I go back to classes Tuesday. [Which yeah…Only one week of break left.]

I did get the second half to my dollhouse…So it’s one step closer to being started…Several steps away from being done. It has a lot of work to go, but that is part of the fun, right? Though I’m wondering if I’m really capable. I mean, I know I should be, just every so often doubts like to sneak in there (into pretty much everything and anything). 

Also went to Borders as I had $5.00 in Borders Bucks…Ended up spending way too much money…But it was off the gift card from the shop, so I guess it’s okay. Mangas & Graphic Novels were buy 4 get the 5th free…So I ended up with 5 of the bloody things. Got home and realized I’m missing 2 Narutos. O.o  But I’ve now got 1-4 of Soul Eater, as I picked up 2-4 today. The last one I got was a graphic novel for Mum…It belongs with her Dean Koontz books, and the series about a guy named Odd Thomas.

I’m wondering if part of my feeling off is because I wasn’t up to being overly playful last night, and I feel like I disappointed Wasil. I know he said it was okay and all…But I still can’t help feeling bad about it. & that only was compounded when he reminded me that I forgot to comment on the pictures of the computer he just built. So yeah, I was feeling like a total failure on that front. [Doesn’t help when while walking the mall today the tiniest sliver of doubt tried to creep in. *sighs* I know there is no reason for it, and I don’t know why is shows up on occasion, or where it comes from…I hate it. He’s never said or done anything that makes me think this is a temporary situation. On the contrary, the one night we were talking he said ‘when we live together’ as opposed to how most would say ‘if we lived together’. He loves me, I love him…Yeah we are 600 miles apart, but we’ve been talking for over a year now…Been official for over six months. I don’t know…I guess I’m just scared that things will go the way they always do. Even though I know I feel differently than I ever have…As cliche as that may sound…It’s utterly true.]

I was told if I ever want custom gears made to just let Ray know…I’m considering designing one specifically for Hex.
Ray’s suppose to be keeping an eye out for any gears he can get a hold of for me. It’s hard to find them without looking to spend an arm and a leg.
Right now I’m looking for a pair of cheap boots to modify…I don’t want to spend a lot on boots that I plan on redoing completely, it just seems kind of silly.
Tichele, one of the girl’s from college, said I should wear Hex’s dress to school one day…Which I’m considering, I really do want to…But I want proper footwear to go with it. I’ve got a pair of short boots I could mod…But they have really high heels, and it would hurt my feet (& prob. be slightly dangerous) for me to be walking on campus all day with them on.

Speaking of school. Blah.
One week and I have to go back. I’m wondering if that’s not why I started coughing earlier…The thought of school is making me sick. O.o Stressing already. Seriously.
1. French…Yeah, I have to make it through 2 more semesters, and I’m not sure how I survived the first one.
2. Mythology…OMGs…I skimmed through the stuff she has online, and she comes off as a bit of a bitch. The one spot she has something to the effect that she does not offer extra credit, so DON’T ask for any…& that section is highlighted to stand out from the rest of what is around it. WTF? Okay, I can understand making the statement that you don’t do extra credit, got it, but to add not to even ask, and highlight it? Seems like overkill to me. Secondly…She has a spot that says if you fail to turn in the Final Research Paper, or if you fail to take the Final Exam, it’s an automatic 0.0! Okay, I can understand that these are important things, but to fail someone…And there is the absolutely NO LATE assignments. Which yeah, is pretty standard, but, I don’t know, something about it just rubbed me the wrong way today. So yeah…I don’t know. I didn’t really want this class anyway, and I hate online classes (which is what it is), but it’s required for transfer…So I’m stuck with it.
3, Intro to Linguistics…Yeah, not even sure what I’m doing…It’s another one of those required to transfer things. [Seriously, that is what makes up my schedule now…I have no say, and it sucks…Hence the stress…Hence the getting sick…Which I really can not do this semester.]
4. American Lit…Seriously…I hate how I did in Brit. Lit. So now this one has me spooked. *sigh*

Told Sonja today that despite knowing my grades really weren’t that bad, I am quite disappointed in myself over last semester. I should of done better, and I know it. I’m capable of better…But I was just kind of phoning the whole thing in it seems…Which is why I didn’t do better in French, which is why I bombed the Brit. Lit. Final.
I want to do better this semester…But I’m not sure I can…Which goes against the whole thought that I know I could/should have done better last semester.

Sent Wasil’s clothes that he left here out today…I didn’t really want to part with the one shirt…& now my brain is being stupid with it’s thoughts (such as it’s like when people break up and they return each others stuff…Which I know is so not the case, I don’t even know why I would think/feel such a thing).
I also added the black rose I forgot to give him while he was up here…A dark chocolate and almond candy bar from Harley’s one fundraiser from the school, a picture I colored of two otters who are turned towards each other to form the shape of a heart, and a brief letter, that really could of been so much better. [I just feel like I’m failing all over tonight.]

Maybe my stupid doubt is trying to test my other theory my brain decided to put into place recently…
Point in fact is…When it comes to being faithful, up to this point, I’ve pretty much sucked at it. It’s not that I didn’t want to be, it just apparently wasn’t worth the effort. Granted, I was faithful to Todd, at least in body, perhaps not so much in thought. As it was that point in time that James was being evil and flirty and what not, and I had seriously been considering calling his bluff, despite the fact that I was with Todd at the time. I would of liked to think I would of been faithful, had actual temptation arose…But looking back, especially with his long absences, and seemingly forgetting I existed…*shrugs* 
With Wa

sil…I really do think things are different. It could just be the amount of time that has passed, but I really don’t ‘feel’ that way about James anymore, not like I did. He’s a really good friend, that’s it, and I don’t want anything else from him.
Then there is Ray…Whom at one point we had our moments of close by not quite-ness. A year ago…I probably would of still fallen into that line of thought of, whatever, just go ahead…But now…The thought isn’t there…& I feel even a bit guilty about agreeing to be counted as ‘eye-candy’…Which seriously? Isn’t that pretty much what you are taking the chance at being anytime you put any effort into yourself when you go out in public?
To me…I am Wasil’s…All his…I don’t want to be anyone else’s…I don’t want anyone else, and I don’t even want to think about anyone else like that.

73 days…And I get on a plane, then another one, and then I’ll be in Missouri. I’ll be with Wasil again. It seems like an eternity.
I’ve got my tickets bought and paid for…I leave from TC on the 26th of March. [I had wanted to go the day before, but Mum wasn’t sure if she could watch the Critters…Ticket was cheaper waiting a day, so I suppose that is a plus. I just wanted to spend as much time as possible with Wasil.] *pokes at body* I’m just hoping it’s cooperating with me at that point. O.o *sigh* 
I come back on April 2nd…It’s a Saturday (so is Mar. 26th). My flight leaves at 10 something am…I hate that it leaves so early…The other flight out was over $100 more! *sigh*
Didn’t dare wait another day, I have to pick the Critters back up on the 3rd…I couldn’t risk planes being delayed.

Was thinking about redoing my diary…But I don’t know…
I really need to go to sleep. Hopefully the stupid cats will shut up, they are being retarded. I hate the animals here, they are all stupid. *stuffs the lot of them in a trunk*