Too tired to finish this properly…

Gods…*shakes head @ self* I do not know what is wrong with me sometimes…Which isn’t entirely true…I just…*shakes head* Yeah…

ANYWAY…
Wednesday night (would say last night, but since it’s after midnight already…) I had a bit of a mental moment. I ended up kind of withdrawing a bit, but not completely, but did end up in tears while I was on messenger with Wasil.
I had a moment where inside was pretty much consumed with an overwhelming feeling of doubt about how he feels about me. [Yeah…Doesn’t help that he hasn’t come out and said how either.] & it was just really bad timing as well.
–The rest of the night, which wasn’t much as it was way past time for me to be to sleep, was pretty much Wasil making sure I was okay, and telling me I wasn’t allowed to cry without a good reason. At that point, despite knowing what was wrong, I wasn’t able to form the thought into words…At least I couldn’t actually write them.

I put "I know what was wrong…Sort of…Just don’t know how to explain it…" up as my messenger status…That way I knew he would ask for sure…Since I knew it was something that needed to be expressed, and I wouldn’t bring it up on my own. So I sort of forced myself to do it.
So the first words I get are: "ok then tell me whats wrong"

I did my best to try and explain…Which was less than articulate, I’m sure. With him I am a writer without words…Pretty pathetic, I know…But he just does something to me. [ANYWAY…]
It boiled down to me wondering if I am just something to pass the time.
I still don’t get a name for how he’s feeling…For how he feels. Then again, it’s not like I say how I feel…We’ve left it at "I’ve fallen" and called it good. I really do intend to remedy that…Tis my plan anyway, come June. What I get is this: "if that was the case why would i spend so much time talking with you…  texting    watching videos of w/e    making fun of you

I know he cares, and I’m not just a toy…Not something I’m use to. I thought I was past thinking that was all I was good for. & I do know better, but it’s the thought that that’s what others see me as. I guess there is a bit more work to be done on that.

But right now, I am so bloody tired I can’t keep my eyes open & have been told to go to bed…So to bed I am going. [Considering I more or less just fell asleep while watching MythBusters with Wasil…Yeah, sleep is probably a good idea.]

ANYWAY…One more thing before I go, even if she won’t get to see it here…It’s the thought that counts, & it’s tradition…& it’s for my Sissy.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY RAYA!!!!

My Sissy is 24 nows. *grins* 

Almost done with my field observation & will share thoughts on that soon.