#24…Can’t think…Can’t concentrate…

Had meeting with the school consoler this morning. Seemed to go well. He just wanted to know how Harley was doing outside the environment he sees him in. While we were there, as well as Harley’s teacher too, I told him about Sonja coming come Friday saying that her dad tried to tell her she had to go home with him. Also told them that she asked me if he was going to try it again today, and that she’s worried about it. Also told the consoler that Sonja’s been having nightmares and has resorted to sleeping with a nightlight again. [This, the girl who use to sleep in her closet because that was the only way it was dark enough!]

Also passed on that Sonja told me that Harley was told he had to sit still and be good or he’d get slapped over the week-end at Dan’s house.

I don’t want to come of as being a bitch or anything, but I don’t want my Critters suffering either.

I’m sending Friend of the Court another letter. Telling them about Dan trying to tell Sonja she had to go with him when it wasn’t his week-end. And that he said he was going to slap her if she didn’t get over there to him. Apparently Sam (Sonja’s pet boy) told him no too, and slapped him in the stomach before saying he was going to go get the superintendent.

I woke up with a sore throat. And not so cheery disposition.

I need to talk to Todd…Thing is, I don’t want to bother him if he doesn’t want to talk to me. Yet…I can’t know 100% for sure he doesn’t want to talk to me unless he tells me…And if he doesn’t, I would kind of like to know why…Like to know what the hell happened between Halloween and now. I know he called me that once…But he didn’t even ask me to come get him…Just asked me what I was doing…I said I had school…He said I should come party with them…I said I couldn’t, as it was so close to the end of the semester. *sigh* This has really got my head all fucked up.

As soon as I realized I was starting to have feelings for him, I should of tucked my tail between my legs and ran for the hills. I can’t stand how much it hurts.

I wish I didn’t love him…Wish it would quit hurting…Wish…*sigh* I don’t know. I was so happy for a while…Now I feel like reality has decided to come back, and crash my world around me.

*sigh* I have to get ready to go to school…At least it’s a short day…I keep thinking maybe I should call Todd…But then I keep thinking maybe I should just wait till tomorrow…I don’t know what to do, or think, or anything anymore.

*sigh* *is off to stuff bag full of stuff to take to school*

Okay…When you have to look up online to find out that Chamomile is good to relieve anxiety, you know you’ve pretty much lost it. [At least if you know very much about common herbs at all…Which I‘m usually fairly decent at.]

*sigh* *shakes head* I swear, it was like a slap in the face and a big DUH!

Right after Creative Writing started I started feeling anxious. And been feeling that way since. I was wondering if I was even going to make it home without falling completely apart. I stopped to get gas, the cold air seemed to help ease it for a little while.

When I got home I called Raya…Didn’t really figure she’d be home, I figured she would be at work…But Derrick was there, and he attempted to be helpful. *pokes him with sticks*

I’ve tried to reason things out…And it only works for just so long. I’m fairly certain, despite my main focus of late, it’s not all having to do with Todd. I’ve been feeling more anxiety than usual since the beginning of the semester…The stuff with Todd is just something I can focus on right off hand.

I need to remind myself it was only last week that Todd did call…
I heard Narcise (sp) say something like ‘She’s standing right there’…Maybe Todd said something about needing/wanting to talk to me…*shrugs* It’s possible, right?

I can’t think…I can’t focus…I’m all tense…All anxious…*feels like falling apart*