Stuff…and things…and a Rant with bad words

Talking to Grim last night on the phone…He wanted the emotions I mentioned writing in Wordpad. At least he thinks/thought he wanted them. I told him he didn’t, still…I did e-mail him about it. But he only got a couple lines from it, not everything, as he discerned from our conversation that, yes, they were about him. These are the lines I shared with him.

You make me laugh, when all I want to do is cry. You make me happy when I am sad. Something as simple as a phone call, knowing it’s from you, can lighten my mood.

You mean so much to me. I’d feel lost without you in my life. That week…That week was hell. I did better than I thought I would. But I was still always on the edge, ready to tumble over. Part of me wanted to, I just wanted to fall and shatter, and hope it would make all the trouble go away.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m not cut out for relationships…As apparently I can’t be faithful…To anyone. There was one thought I seemingly managed to keep to myself in my Rum induced drunken stupidity…As it hasn’t been mentioned, and I’m sure it would of been, had I said anything about it. Granted, as I’ve stupidly mentioned it exsisting here, it’s liable to stir up questions, but sorry…I don’t plan on answering that question…It belongs with emotions that are better left locked away (or in the case of needing them out of oneself, but not out for everyone…Lock in Wordpad).

I just sent Bill an offline message…Apologizing once more for everything I did wrong. Not those words exactly…Nothing in detail either…Just a more eloquent ‘I’m sorry’.
I’m thinking perhaps the letter to Bobby was a bad idea…Too late now, of course. But as he most likely won’t write back…I’m going to consider myself safe from any possible stupidity on that front.

It’s been grey here for, I’m thinking, five days now. I’m sick of the grey. I need some blue and sunshine. Raya and I were talking the other night (Why do I not see any surprised faces at that statement? *laughs*), and we were coming up with the things around us that effect our moods and how we feel about ourselves. Weather, amoung quite a lot of other things, was on the list. I’m still thinking it would make for a good essay for somewhere along the lines.
As well as the follow-up discussion regaurding the fact that we, as a society, as a whole, feel the need to lable people. Even if we say we don’t like to be labled or like to lable people, we seem to do it instinctively, without even realizing that we do it. It’s ingrained into us as we are growing up. "These people are like this, so they are this…These people are this way, so that makes them…Whatever." Tis it a flaw in human nature? Gods know human nature is quite often, very flawed.

Wow…That almost reminds me of the philosophical thought diary I had once. Yes, amazingly enough I had a diary that was filled with deep thinking. It does happen on occasion, when it comes to certain subjects. I actually found the book that I’d written out some of it in prior to posting it.

*glares at Pet* WTF? He just asked me what I was doing now…(As he failed to go to work today, because his foot hurts. *rolls eyes*)
I’m bloody well typing, what does it look like?! [Granted I said writing] And then he asked what I was writing…Since when do you care? [I replied with thoughts.] *censors other thoughts* Oh and thank you for disturbing my relative quiet by turning up the bloody tv! Damn it, this is MY time, to MYself (What little of it I can grab currently)…You are invading it and it pisses me off! I can’t even take the bath I planned on taking as I’ve gotten to the point I WON’T take one if he’s here. I don’t trust him. Wonderful, huh? I’m afraid he’ll try to do something if he catches me coming out of the bath. What a f#cked up life I live. *takes deep breath* *releases deep breath*

And this f#cking phoneline/internet connection isn’t helping my mood in the least! *kicks it* I breathe wrong and I get disconnected…But as no bath…No shopping today…And no finding a new phone cord either. I need to find someway to keep the cord from getting damaged again.

I know earlier I said I’m not cut out for relationships…Still doesn’t seem to stop me from wanting someone to hold me…Then again…I can do physical relationships…As long as my mind and heart don’t feel the need to get in the way. I want…Someone to help me forget. Fill my mind with other things…Take away the thoughts/memories that it seems so intent on hanging on to, despite me telling my ungreatful brain to not think about it, and my worthless heart to just not feel.

I think I’m going to wander for a bit…Perhaps see if I can put anymore words to the ‘song’ thing that seems to be trying to escape.

WARNING: RANT COMING..

*SCREAMS* BLOODY FUCKING HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You God damn fucking moran! Thank you so fucking much. Nooooo, you couldn’t fucking go to work, you had to stay home because of your fucking foot. You had to have the remote, and you had to toss it back when you were going to be getting up to take a fucking shower anyway. What the fuck would it of hurt to get off your lazy fucking ass and walk the God damn remote across the fucking room!

I guess I should be thankful that it still works…Despite the loverly [rather NOT so loverly] crack that now is in the middle of my computer screen. The fucking idiot threw the fucking remote and it hit my laptop!! I want to fucking cry right now…*sigh* I’m just hoping it doesn’t kill my laptop completely…*sigh* The center of my screen looks like the windshield of my Jeep where Harley’s head it it.
Well…I’m going to try and save what I can to disk now…Just in case. *sigh* Have you even been so pissed that you couldn’t even express it. I can’t even fucking yell like I want to. I can feel hatred and anger boiling inside of me…and I just sit here, quietly and stotic…Gods…Someone’s influence is rubbing off on me…And I’m not so sure it’s a good thing.

~*~+~*~+~*~+~*~+~*+~*~+~*~+~*~+~*~+~*~+~*~+~*~

Just friggen great. *rolls eyes* The Pet has been told he can’t use his foot (This is the second time he’s been told that)…So he said all he can do is twidle his thumbs all week-end. Gods…I hope he manages to go to Travis’s somehow. I sure don’t want him here all week-end…I don’t want him here at all. [And now he’s trying to send me into town to get dinner. Granted it would mean no cooking…But I really just don’t feel like it. Not that it matters…I’ll end up having to do it anyway.

~*~+~*~+~*~+~*~+~*+~*~+~*~+~*~+~*~+~*~+~*~+~*~

Went in and got pizza…Mum went with me. While we were gone I told her I want to get rid of the Pet come Spring. She didn’t say much, but she knows I’m not happy, and that I want to be. I know she’ll be supportive. [And it’s not like she doesn’t know that I haven’t exactly been faithful. *headdesk*]

I also told her that Raya said she’d help me sort out the whole staring blankly at the college web sites…And the sorting out of financi

al aid stuff. She said that that was good.

I’ve been looking (read; staring blankly) at a couple college websites. Which is really just a confusing mess to me…But hey, I tried. *laughs* There are two community colleges that aren’t too far away from where I’m at…One in Petoskey and one in Traverse City. From what I’ve gathered from looking through them (which honestly, it’s a lot of looking, and little understanding…anyway…) Even though they are normal what is considered a two-year college…and then you do the transfer thing…They both seem to be set up with this ‘University Center’ thing…So that if you wanted to you could continue on with your Bachelor’s or Master’s degrees, without having to go to one of the major big (and very far out of where I am at) colleges…Though I’m not sure how that works…Or if I’d ever get to that point (doubting it…As actually I’m getting quite nervous about the whole thing…School was…well evil…Though I know that was due in part with having to deal with the pin-headed students).

My laptop screen is cracking more…Is still useable currently…Not sure how long it’ll last…Hopefully a good long time yet. Mum has a friend who is going to ask her computer guru about replacement of the moniter. I swear…I don’t know what it is…My laptop…The cell phone I use for an alarm clock…And my Jeep all have this same pattern on them.

Speaking of Jeep…Still not here. *pouts* Last minute ball joints needing replaced. BUT…Mum is suppose to pick it up on her way home from work tomorrow. *crosses fingers* Let’s hope.

Okay…With that…I think I’m off…