So yeah…Tonight’s stuff…

Afternoons Babble:
I’m feeling quite empty currently. I want to give up on love and all it’s entanglements.
I know I need to work on me…But I don’t even know where to begin. I’m feeling lost…Alone (even with the knowledge that I have my friends). I think Mike’s phone call only served to remind me of my loniless of heart. Though, no worries, he is the last thing in this world that I want. I don’t even want the physical attention I could receive from him. I do so want to be held…But…I don’t know…I just know I don’t want his touch.

I’m letting my mind wander, and losing myself to memories. I wrote the letter…Even though I’m not sure if I should have. It’s in the mailbox, waiting to be picked up and taken to it’s destination. Part of me wonders if perhaps I shouldn’t go retrieve it before it’s too late. As Raya pointed out, a lot of things can change in 14 years. (As in as much, a lot of things can essentially stay the same…Same situation, just diffrent faces and to different degrees.) And I’m not sure what I’m expecting or wanting. I should get up and retrieve the letter…But…I don’t know…The little voice in my head says ‘Nothing ventured, nothing gained’. Though I’m not sure what is really ventured here, or what I should/would hope to expect to gain. *sigh* I’m an utter mess. I can’t think.

I did finish copying over the herbal information for the herbs I have on hand.

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Tonights Babble:
I just did some readings…Which more or less confirmed each other…And the thoughts at hand. So now…It’s just me getting myself sorted out. I need to reconnect with myself. Also…Suppose to do that social thing. *laughs* So yeah…Gots to work on that.

Speaking of social things…The letter to Bobby did go. I don’t know if I’ll hear back from him or not…But…*shrugs* Whatever will happen will happen.

Anyway…I don’t know…I’m a bit scattered brain at the moment. So I can’t really concentrate on writing anything.

Oh…But before I go. *giggles* As I know HE won’t bloody well update and say anything about it…And I’m still finding it more amusing than I should. *giggles*

Grim called me all horrified…He went to get his hair cut, and afterwards the woman was washing his hair out…And getting a little too friendly. Massaging his temples, and trying to rub his neck. He said she was like late 40’s or early 50’s. He keeps saying ‘She should know better.’ I couldn’t help laughing…And I did try not to laugh…But he’d start freaking out over it again, and I just…HAD to laugh.

Anyway…Wrote a rant…Started it while I was still actually on the phone with Mike.

Oh bloody hell! Shut the f#ck up! *glares at Mike* You are out of your mother f#cking mind! Why do I even answer the bloody phone…Now there’s a good question. Because I’m a gluton for punishment, I suppose. You crossed the line today though. Dominic is sacred to me…Whether you were ‘meaning’ to or not…That bit today, came across as trying to use him to get at me. Telling me you dreamed of him, and he talked to you…I’m sure it’s possible…But to continue on from there. To try and say HE wants us together. Then later telling me we’re destined to be together…To hell we are. I love MY son…You know, the one that the first thought you had was to abort…You weren’t the one that was there for me through my pregnancy…Jamie was there more than you were, always after me to eat better. It was Bill…Poor mistreated Bill…Who was by my side the most. But I don’t even want to go there with this. *sighs* *shakes head* I seriously considered telling you I was in love with someone else…But I don’t think that would do me any good either. You don’t care about where my heart lies…You only care about how you think you feel.

Is it suppose to make me feel good that the reason you kept coming to me is because you ‘loved me’ and was ‘jealous’ of the happiness I had with someone else? All that tells me is that you wanted me to be as miserable as you were. I had a good thing with Bill…I know it wasn’t prefect, and we each had our flaws…But he did love me, and I’m pretty sure I loved him…Though as my mind was in a constant state of confusion, I’m not going to swear my life on it. He treated me well though…And I threw it all away…Wanting to have you back…Though I never really had you…And then trying to escape you.

You can tell me a hundred, a thousand, a million times that you love me. It’s not going to matter. I’m not strong, but I’m not weak enough to fall into your trap again. I did think I still loved you when we got together this last time. But I learned it wasn’t you I loved…It was the memory of who I thought you were. Thing is, you were never really that person either. I’ve seen, firsthand how you treated your wife, your children…That’s not what I want in my life. I’d rather be ignored than have what I’m going to do, and who I’m going to see dicated to me. I’m not going to deal with someone who’d be jealous if I talk to my friends online…Or on the phone. I’m not going to have someone dictate where and what I can spend my money on, and think they have the right to know every little detail. I’m not going to have someone tell me that I HAVE to do this, or I HAVE to do that. It’s not going to happen, no one is going to have that kind of domination and controll over me. Granted, I’ll admit, I’m generally a submissive person…But I’ll be damned if I give up EVERYTHING that is in my control. Yeah, I said today control is an illusion, and to some degree, and on some things, it is. BUT…I’m not giving up my freedoms to be who I am.

That’s another thing…You say you love me, but you don’t even KNOW me. For starters…I remeber the night you and I and Bianca went to ‘Stone Hedge’. I was trying to draw pentacles on the cement with the spray paint we’d brought…You felt the need to come along and take the can away and turn them into Stars of David. WTF!? Who are you to try and supress MY spiritual beliefs. Just because it was something you didn’t know or understand…And I don’t care if you may or may not have woken up to the truth of things since then (As I haven’t asked, and have no intention to.), you don’t know anything about me as such. You don’t know anything about me at all. If I told you I wanted to be an Herbalist, what would you say? I’m expecting a scoff…Well I don’t need that. If I told you I wanted to be a writer…Would up have faith in me over that? Somehow I doubt it. People who have never met me have more faith in me and my abilites than I can believe that you’d ever have in me.

Like when you tried to write that ‘serious’ letter…Telling me how you felt. *shakes head* Look at it! Take a GOOD look at it. Where did it go? The only place that we EVER shared anything in common…After a few ‘heartfelt’ lines, it went to SEX. You say we had a lot in common…But we didn’t, not really. Scary movies? I hardly even watch them anymore…Reading? 9 times out of 10 what I read was never good enough for you…My skinny books weren’t thic

k enough to count as reading. Granted, trying to please you on that front got me reading DragonLance, as it was a series of nice thick books. But even that…It didn’t do ‘us’ any good. You don’t know me…You’ll never know me…That’s just the plain simple truth. I loved an ideal…Who I thought you were. I’ve seen the truth, that ideal is gone…I don’t love you…I don’t think I ever did. You gave me the physical attention that I craved…Turned it into an insatiable need, that sometimes, even now, can drive me utterly crazy.

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So yeah….That’s about all I have…