Downward Spiral…

WARNING: The following could probably classified as a full blown pity party on occasion.  But I needed to purge I think.

*bangs head on desk repeatedly*

First off…I may or may not be around tomorrow night, for anyone who would notice. The Renaissance Faire/Midevil Re-enactment thing is this week-end. It started at 5 tonight. Mum wants to go…I’m going with. We got rid of the Critters for the week-end. The way I’m feeling currently…It’s only going to serve to remind me 1) I don’t do well around people & 2) I am alone…Even if I’m not technically alone…

I had to change the icon on my messenger…It was the same one that’s on here…Now it’s the one that’s on Raven’s diary…Trust me, if I could think of another one off hand for this one, I would. I suddenly have no urge to see that smile. That’s not who I am…

Back to the re-enactment thing…Mum’s main reason for wanting to go…Ryan is going to be there, doing his Celtic warrior thing…Had it been before…I’d be a bit more excited about it. But 1)…It’s getting cold out. 2) Mum is ‘with’ Ryan…more or less…whatever it is they call it.

I was so bloody stupid last night/this morning…Wrote a stupid letter…finished a stupid letter…sent a stupid letter. I swear sometimes I HAVE to have a split personality…And the one…She has NO common sense…All she does is get us as a whole into trouble, and adds to our already miserable feelings. I want to cut out my heart and throw it away…Then my stupid emotions won’t get in my way.

Anyway…

Talked to Mike a few days ago…He said he was thinking about having two birthday parties for Alex. One for the family…As Jessica is coming up and bringing Emily for the party. And one for some of Alex’s friends from school…and inviting me and the kids to that one. I would go and take the kids, for Alex…But I know I really don’t want to be around Mike. I know what he’s like…I can almost be gaurnteed he’d try something.

I don’t want my first braceless kiss to be him…I don’t want anything to be him.

I’m feeling…quite hopeless currently. All the pretty words faded from my mind. All the hope has slipped through my fingers. All I feel is trapped…Trapped and unhappy. Yes, I know it’s within my power to change that…but…I just don’t feel it is. I feel like I can’t do anything…That this is just how it’s going to be forever…There will never be a braceless kiss, first or otherwise.

I should be writing roleplay instead…something…anything…Drown myself in the other world…

How I’m feeling: [And I know I’m going to get yelled at for probably 90% of this entry]
I’m not beautiful…I’m not pretty…I’m definately not a 10…I’m not even the almost 7 that I almost felt earlier today.
I hang onto all things childish, refusing to grow up, because I am trying to blind myself to the fact that life is slipping through my fingers, and it’s miserable, and it’s just going to contiue to be that way. I’m under the delusion if I pretend not to grow up, then time won’t pass…Thing is…I know I’m wrong. Time passes anyway.
I’m feeling…empty and hallow inside. I feel like a shell…
These are my feelings, and I’m entitled to them…Even if they bloody well suck.

In a perfect world, every thing would be so easy. But it’s not a perfect world. There is no such thing as perfect. I think about telling the pet I want out. Asking him if he’s happy…knowing he can’t be…How can he be? But I can’t seem to do it. The letter is typed out…printed out…It sits on the computer desk, getting shuffled around amongst other papers…Part of me wants him to find it…Part of me is terrified of what would happen if he did find it. I hate confrantation…I hate ‘talks’…[That said while I’m waiting for another one…Because I’m stupid and don’t know when to keep things to myself.]…

And when I get rid of the pet…then what? Nothing…absolutely nothing.

I know what it feels like to live…It wasn’t that long ago I lived for a while…It was wonderful. But…I wasn’t alone.
I just don’t see me meeting people…I can’t…I don’t know how. I don’t have what it takes to go out in search of someone…

I’m sure I’ll regret posting this…It’s the day of doing things I shouldn’t do…I think thoughts I shouldn’t think…Tis a good thing I’m not overly self-destructive…Sometimes I wish I were though…Sometimes I think I should just follow the dark thoughts…No worries though…I don’t have it in me.