Some stuff

[Written around Two O’clock in the morning]

Gods…I should be sleeping. I am tired…but beyond that…I’m feeling a bit…er…frustrated. A feeling I’m coming to know oh too well of late. Doesn’t help with the content of some of my writing/reading of late…and just getting done watching…what was it, three or four, episodes of Nip/Tuck. I’m trying to be sensible. Tis hard when my mind is like it is. I need a release…but I have no hope of one anytime soon. *sigh* Though I worry, when I’m feeling like this…that I’ll do something foolish. My mind has been thinking thoughts it shouldn’t…

On top of that…Mum was hoping for a phone call tonight, and I find myself taking great pleasure in the knowledge she didn’t get it. I can’t help but wonder if my ill feelings aren’t due, in part, to the fact I know she was with Ken after I was…and I still had feelings for him, still considered him my territory. I find myself thinking that if I could somehow manage…Ug…*headdesk* I’m being petty and childish…Can I blame hormones?

Maybe I should just put up a sign…’Wanted: Suitable Man, for "Manual Labor".’ *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk*

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Anyway…Today has been…a bore. We did go for a bit of a ride…but it served no purpose, aside from Harley getting a much needed nap.

Friday when I was walking, while me and Libby made our usual stop at the grocery store, Mike came in behind us. A bit after we left..maybe 10-15 minutes later, my cell phone rang. Surprise, surprise (sarcasm yes), it was Mike, wanting to know if I was going to stop by. To which I told him no, I had to get back to my kids. Which, as they were being quite cranky for most of the day, exspecailly Harley, I didn’t want to leave my Mum to have to deal with them. And I really didn’t feel like dealing with him either.
This is the e-mail I got in reply later that night…

So i take it you dont trust me huh? Or yourself or is it a combination of the two? I am sorry if thats the case. But i wont apologize for how i feel about you anymore than i can control it which i cant. Do you think i want to love you? It just leads to me hurting more because i cant have you either. If you come visit i will try to behave.

*rolls eyes* I wasn’t going to e-mail him back. But that part of me that feels bad about not doing such things talked me into doing it anyway. *ducks swats from Raya* Wait! Don’t beat on me yet! I think I was a bit on the assertive side. And hopefully I made my point.
This is the e-mail I responded with…

That isn’t what I said. Is it? What I said is I had to get back to my kids. They had been being little terrors for a good portion of the day, and I didn’t really feel like leaving my mom to have to deal with the both of them for any longer than necessary.
To be honest, no, I don’t trust you not to try something. Your efforts to behave never seem to work out. And as I’ve said, that’s not what I want. I also know I hate to do anything to hurt someone, even if that means putting my feelings aside to try and spare theirs. But that’s not good for me, and I just can’t keep doing it.
I know you need a friend to talk to, as you can’t seem to count on the ones you have. Trouble crops up and they go into hiding. So I keep trying to be the friend you need, but I can’t do it at my own expense.
I don’t expect you to apologize for how you feel. I know people can’t always control their emotions. If they could, I wouldn’t have to deal with some of the feelings I have. Thing is, this love you say you have…It’s for who I was, I’m sure, not who I am now. What do you really know about who I am anymore?

On another note…I think I’m getting closer. Still, I don’t know how long it will take me to follow through on the thoughts that I have. I know I have not been happy for quite a while. And I know why I haven’t been happy. Several people have told me their thoughts on what I need to do, and I’ve told them I know they are right, and I’m sure they’ve thought I’m just blowing them off…But really, I haven’t been. I have been listening.

I still have that whole issue of not wanting to hurt anyone. That is my current block. I can’t even manage to tell my Mum what I’m thinking and how I’m feeling. So yeah…that’s where I’m at…knowing what I want, but too afriad of hurting others to do anything.