A mish-mash of things

[WARNING: Part One is a continuation from last night really…So if you don’t want to have to deal with anymore of that…skip on ahead]

 

Part One: Written from approx. 2:30 am to approx. 3:30 am…and after the previous entry…which has about the same tone.

Can you wish for something, and feel like at that moment you really want it…but know deep down inside it’s not true? And what if, the deep down thoughts aren’t the ones that are true, and it is the surface thought…I don’t want to think about that though…not with the thought running through my head. Or perhaps Grim was right…I said it because some part of me did mean it. Is it really all that bad? It can’t be, can it? I mean, if I forget the things that feel like they are crumbling around me…then hey, the world should be just wonderful, right?

But it’s not…It’s not wonderful, and I’m not happy, and I can’t just pretend…Yet that’s what I do. Everyday, I pretend. I put on a…well, not a happy face…but a seemingly content one. I go through the day…just exsisting…on a good day, perhaps a bit more…on a bad day, barely that.

And I have no right, right? I mean, look around me…I should feel blessed, and privlaged, and special, and all that. I have a four bedroom house on twenty wooded arces, complete with it’s own river. I’ve got two, healthy, realatively happy children. I’ve got my Mum here with me. I’ve been married close to nine years now. I’ve a Jeep of my own. A laptop, with a seperate phone line from the regular phone line.

Yet…I fight the urge to express the feeling that it attempting to overwhelm my mind. The words that keep whispering in my ears…Because I know it can’t be true…I can’t feel that bad…I can’t be that messed up…Yet…I’ve been crying for the last hour now…For no apparent reason.

What the bloody hell is wrong with me?

Maybe it’s the last thing I was holding onto, slipping through my fingers. The dreams, the plans, the plots…No matter how far they reached…No matter what was said…It’s not going to happen. I’m coming to realize that now…Even though I should of known. I seen the signs…I tried to ignore them…Tried to foster hope…Foolish of me really. Not that I don’t see, and understand why.

Everyone grows up…Everyone moves on…Everyone but me. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I just do what everone else does? What am I holding on to? It’s not like it was that great of a time growing up. It was hell, it was miserable…and for some reason…I’m stuck there. What is this? Some lame attempt to make it right this time around? Well it doesn’t work that way.

How fucking stupid I must sound. Giddy over some random ‘boy’ showing the slightest bit of intrest in me. I’m fucking married, what the fuck should I care. Holding on to hope and filling myself with anticipation that someone else might show the tiniest bit of intrest. How pathetic is that? I’m a thirty year old fucking child! The ‘perpetual’ teenager…And what purpose does that serve? I mean really. It doesn’t. Not one damn bit.

I have no friends my own age…I mean yeah, I go and walk with Libby two days a week…but outside of that, it’s more of an aquatinance thing. She’s just the only one from school I’ve managed to keep in touch with over the years.

Not that age matters…I have one of the most wonderful friends in all the world. Better than anyone could ask for…better than I deserve…and I feel her slipping away….How long is she going to put up with me and my refusing to grow up…Not that I know how…I should, I know. It’s not suppose to be a question of knowing, it’s just something that one does. But how long before she decides that she’s outgrown me. She’s already outgrowing what brought us together in the first place…Everyone is…Everyone but me.

I’m afraid to say it for fear of jinxing it…but I think I feel the overwhelming feeling I had before slipping away some. Proof it’s not how I really feel deep down? One could hope…right? *sigh* Still…I do feel it lingering in the background…

Back to the subject of friends…I have a few…not many, but it’s quality over quanity that counts. Thing is…90-95% of them are litterly hundreds of miles away. I’ve never met them face to face…and sometimes I fear I never will.

What do I have here? A more or less absent husband, whom I prefer that way now. Someone I can walk with, who will listen to me ramble on about whatever, even if she doesn’t follow, for two hours on end. And a guy, who despite what he says, I’m pretty sure whose main goal is to get me back into his bed. Any other friends that I had here are more or less gone…They can’t be troubled to keep in contact with me…and if they can’t be, I can’t keep track of them either. I tried to reconnect with Jon and Cinda…but that didn’t work…I suppose it’s for the best…I don’t know. *sigh*

And I don’t know how to make friends…

Well as it’s past 3:30 in the morning…and this is going to be the second depressing entry in a row, considering the one I put up earlier. I should wrap this up for the moment…Besides…I have to spend from 5-5:30 telling the pet it’s time to get up. Then get up at 6 to get Sonja off to school…Back to bed at quarter to 7…And if I’m lucky, Harley will let me sleep in a bit. Plus…I have an orthadonist appt. in less than 12 hours. I suppose I’ll pick this up after that…Perhaps I’ll have some good news…*sigh*

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Part Two: 12:43 pm

First off…I’ve been up for 15 min.! In which Harley was running loose…I have no idea when he got up. I feel ready for worst parent of the year award.

Anyway…I’m here for a random thought…well not SO random

When I was younger (though not that much younger, as I was old enough I should of thought the prospect bizzare…anyway…) as a safe gaurd to the pain of a broken heart…I gave my heart away to someone I knew coud never hurt it. Impossible you say? Not so…As I gave it way to a fictionalized character…Raistlin Majere. I knew as he was not real, that I could love and not worry about pain. He would never hold and kiss me, true…but I knew this, and one makes improvision (I actually have a feather pillow which I keep in a black pillow case, and named Raistlin. In replacement for having no one to hold close at night, I’d wrap my arms around the pillow and drift off to sleep, pretending to hold my mage tight in my arms).

I thought…*sigh*…I could give my heart away, to keep it safe again…Actually I didn’t think…It just sort of happened. But I didn’t mind…not really when I realized…I thought all was well…it was like before…My heart was safe. But the mind can only be tricked so far…it knows…somewhere…There is a soul…A being…I ache for this being…Foolish, yes, I know…Childish and immature…To ‘love’ someone you do not know…will never know…

Well, I will keep this part short, as I have to get ready to go to my orthadonist appt. shortly.

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Part Three: Twelve more weeks

I have a troublesome canine. *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* I shall name it Padfoot, and

consider it the bane of my exsistence. *sigh* *headdesk*

I’ve got one tooth…my right canine…that isn’t quite where it needs to be. And for this…it’s another six weeks, then hopefully, truly, final adjustments. Which would be another six weeks, then removing all this stuff from my mouth.

Anyway…I’m down to one rubberband…and it’s ran from top tooth (troublesome canine…er..Padfoot)…to bottom tooth (some unnamed random molar).

My colored elastics have had another color change…They are now teal.

I still have to decide on what color my retainer is going to be. I have been considering purple.

Next appt. is the end of June. So mayhaps by the middle of August I can enjoy some corn on the cob…And eat an apple like a human being.  (Though after talking to my Mum this has to be changed, as she can’t watch the Critters that day.)

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Part Four: A Survey of a Sexual Nature

1. What’s your first name? Jennifer

2. Male or female? Female

3. How old are you? 30

4. What country or state do you live in? Confusion…I mean Michigan

5. Would you say you’re straight, gay or bi? Straight

6. Describe your physical appearance: 5’4", approx. 100lbs., Blue eyes, Purple hair

7. And if u haven’t told us already, what’s your bra size? 34B (was C and then Critters drained the life from me)

8. What’s your fav place on your body 2 be kissed? lips, neck…

9. Do u have any special names 4 ur privates or what do u call them? No

10. You’re not a virgin are you? Oh sure, of course I am. Okay…no one is buying that…so…No.

11. How old were you when you lost your virginity? 15

12. Who did you lose it to? *has wiped name from mind* I know it…I just refuse to pollute the world with it.

13. How many people have you slept with? 8 Oh lookie…if you drew little stick arms on it, and gave it a top hat, it could be a snowman.

14. Do you regret your first time? I think I may…

15. Have you ever had sex with a virgin? Yes

16. So when was the last time you actually had sex? December 2005

17. So you’re an expert in one-night stands? Nope

18. What kind of contraception do you use? Presently…None. As I am fixed (like a good puppy), I don’t have to worry about any more puppies…I mean Critters…I mean babies…yeah…that’s what those are.

19. Have you ever devoted a whole day to sex? Not really.

20. Lights on or off? Well it’s a mute point if it’s day time…so I’m going to say it really doesn’t matter.

21. Do you prefer to give or receive oral sex? Receive

22. Ever gone skinny-dipping? Nope

23. Ever had sex in the rain? Nope

24. Had sex in a vehicle? Yep

25. Ever had sex someplace where you could get caught? Yep

26. Have you and your partner ever had sex in the shower, tub, pool, hot tub or on the beach? I’ve suffered through some of that.

27. Ever had an entire session of just oral and other methods of sex without penetration? Nope

28. Have you or your partner ever used handcuffs or any form of bondage? Yep

29. Ever wore sexy lingerie? Yep

30. Have you ever done a strip tease? Nope

31. Have you ever been hungover, naked and sore and not quite sure why? Nope

32. Have you ever slept next to a member of the opposite sex without having sex? Yes

33. Have you ever had the kind of sex where you were completely fulfilled and not wanted anymore? Not that I can recall…there might have been one time…back when dinosaurs roamed the Earth.

34. Ever used sex as a bargaining tool or a weapon to get your way? Nope

35. Have you ever bought something from a sex shop or adult party? Yes, but it was completely innocent.

36.Have you ever left the house with nothing but your underwear on? No

37. Have you ever had sex in a public place (school, work, etc.)? Yes

38. Have you ever experienced pain from having sex? Yes

39. Have you ever slept with your partner’s friend/brother/etc.? Yes

40. And lastly, who’s the best sex you’ve ever had? *thinks* A couple of them have had their moments…I’d have to say it’s a toss up between Mike and Ken. *headdesk* Gods…it’s the bloody Geminis!