I’ve used up my brain…I can’t think of a title.

Somewhere in this house there is a mini notebook with four lines written as a start to a poam. Where the bloody hell it’s at now, I haven’t an effing clue. *looks at language* Oh Gods…I am in a mood. *sigh*

Okay…this is most likely going to be a random bunch of thoughts jumping all over the place. I don’t expect it to make much, if any sense…I just need to do something…and as I have nothing else to do…I’m going to write. And as I have nothing else to write…I’m just going to babble on in the hopes something is purged, and that I feel at least somewhat better when all is said and done…or at least written.

So…now…where to start. Blah…*headdesk* I just don’t want to sound like insufferable whining…whatever…Which, actually, is what I feel like this is going to come off sounding like. Those of you who read my rubbish always try to be so supportive, and I’m greatful, be assured of that. Don’t worry that you never know what to say, or how to help…I really don’t expect that anyone could sort out the mess that is my life, as I live it, and can’t even bloody well sort it out.

Stupid skin…it’s breaking out…I never broke out in school…Why the bloody hell am I doing it now! Just because I can, on occasion, look like I belong in school, doesn’t mean I want the broke out skin to go with it. *sigh* Exspecially not with having to go out in public Saturday.

*pokes at Saturday with a stick* I was going to kick it…but decided just to poke at it instead. *sigh* I know not to go with any kind of expectations about anything (other than being bored out of my mind), yet I can feel my brain going behind my back and trying to make some. *shakes head* And I know better…I truly do…then again, I always do, and still…I go and set myself up for disappointment.

I know how well the Lexi Gras party worked out…Yeah, I lived…but I put up expectations before hand…and they all fell flat. And now I find myself still walking through the trailer park in Boyne, still trying to get a chance to talk to Ryan properly…and for what? I haven’t a bloody clue.

The Retired Fireman’s Banquet will be no diffrent…In my sick and warped mind…I go with the hopes of catching Batman’s eye…why? He is the pets friend…at least to some degree…I’m sure there is some fireman’s code about not messing where one does not belong…If for no other reason than someday you may need to be pulled from a fire…and you don’t want the person whose there to do the pulling to be wishing a burning beam was falling on you instead.

Anyway…I think I hate love. *nods* Yep…I think so. It’s painful, and agonizing, and reaches into ones chest, and rips their hearts out, leaving them to bleed all over the place.

Well…wasn’t that a loverly piece of visualization. I know, I should have no place to complain about my messed up love life…as I’m sure it’s all something I’ve brought on myself…I mean the pet ‘wants me’…I just do not want the pet. Things have just deteriorated over the past ten years. We have nothing in common…And he is usually gone…Which I’d rather now a days…At one point, I did want to try…We did the counsaling thing…but when all was said and done…things went back to the way they were. And I just don’t care to try anymore. Why the bloody hell should I?

Then there is Mike…Gods…I don’t know what the hell to do with that. Things aren’t like they were two years ago…Over this last year, I’ve realized that what I thought I felt for him was just left over unresolved issues from the past. I mean, I care…to some degree…He was my friend…He’s Dominic’s father…But I don’t love him…not really. And the ‘power’ he had over me…although I still sensed it, it wasn’t as strong…I know it’s something I gave him, though I’m not sure why any of it still remains…Perhaps it’s my attempt to have an excuse…To say I couldn’t help myself…that it was this ‘power’…this ‘sway’ he holds over me that leads me to my destruction.

Yes…I called it destruction…Because I’m sure that’s what it would be…will be…whatever…I don’t know. Destruction for the simple fact that it’s not what my heart really wants…Then again…I can’t have what my heart really wants. *sigh* Anyway…Despite knowing I shouldn’t…I can’t help but think I’ll just give in to things…as it’s something…a release…Though…I can’t say it’ll offer the same quality or release as it did before…I just know there will be something lacking…Like there was something lacking in the kiss.

Tis not the kiss I wanted I suppose…That will never come…As presently I am set to torture myself to no end.

My heart…it aches…painfully so…My mind fills with thoughts…desires…hungers…Not all of them of the ravenous kind. I want to be able to have a conversation, and know that, just perhaps, I might have something to say that would intrest him. That we might share an interst, have something in common. I want to be able to look into his eyes, and feel something…I want to feel his hand caress my cheek…I want to feel his lips apon mine…I want that perfect kiss…The soft gentle kiss that sends electricity throughout ones body…The kiss that fuels the fires of desire…*sigh*…and all the wonders that come afterwards.

My heart aches…My body yearns…my lips hunger…And I know…It’ll never be…

Bloody hell…I give up…I can’t think…There are things and thoughts trapped in my head…and I can’t get them to form properly and come out.

*gives up* I will just sit here and finish watching The Fifth Element, I suppose…