Some mental type thoughts

In all truth and honesty…I really don’t know what to do with myself. *sigh* No, I’m not happy, as I’m sure most of you out there have figured out already. And as far as the whole pet thing, I am reluctant to cause waves. I know I deserve better, like someone whose going to manage to notice that something is wrong. But as he is so bloody clueless, I don’t feel like I can just dump this on him out of nowhere either. I don’t want to have to worry about fighting over the house, the children, money, etc. I just don’t want to deal with any of that. *sigh*

I know I deserve someone who wants me for everything that I am…and everything that I can be…and not just for being a hunk of willing flesh. (Oh joy, that really sounds so good.) But it’s not like I can offer anyone all of that…not how things are. All I can offer is a hunk of willing flesh…as bad as that sounds.

I want someone I can love…can care about…someone who can make me feel special and important…Someone who loves me, and cares for me…but I have no right to ask that from anyone at this point…

Anyway…aside from that…and back on to the not knowing what to do with myself…It’s not that there aren’t things I’ve wanted to do, or be, or whatever…It’s just I can’t seem to make those things come into being. I can’t seem to make anything happen…and I just don’t see that I can. Yeah…I have no self-confidance. (Understatement)

Ironic thing of it is…a lot of it has to do with dealing with people…Which I can’t seem to do…Or can’t make myself do…Or…whatever it is…*sigh*

Still guessing Princess is out of the question. *weak laugh*

I use to think being a singer, or dancer, or actress, or model would be great…aside from the fact that I don’t figure I can really sing, or act, and I’m not exactly model material.

In high school…I did actually wish I could be a cheerleader. *waits for everyone who has passed out to wake back up* But I was afraid I’d forget the cheers, forget the moves. So I didn’t even bother to try. Besides…everyone already seemed ready to laugh at me…why give them another excuse, or a better shot at it.

(When I was in elemetary school I was actually in a baton twirling group. We were in parades all over the state. I marched and twirled…and was happy. I really liked it. I even have medals from the parades that we won first place in…and a couple medals for first and second place for a competion I was in…and even a blue ribbon! -which was the highest possible thing to get-.)

Aside from that…

I want a Metaphysical store…mostly because it’s stuff I’m interested in, plus I could also sell anything I made there as well.

The other thing I want…which really goes against my ‘anti-social’ nature…Something like a nightclub/dance club/etc. (I’ve actually had buildings picked out for this a couple times…ones that I think would just be perfect…And there was one I had picked out for a Metaphysical store, yet in the back of my mind, I had the thought that I could hold celebrations there as well, so it would also be like a club party on occasion. When I was younger, I’d hang Christmas lights up in my room, plug them in, turn off the lights, turn on music, and pretend it was my own little club.)

While we were at the party last Saturday, I guess Steve brought up to my mum the fact that Lexamar is going to be setting up a temp. shop in one of the old shop buildings in a town about 15 miles from here. They figure it’s going to be about six months work. Thing is…I don’t really see myself as shop type material…plus anything I made would have to go to paying someone to watch the kids…Which means actually letting someone outside the family watch them, and be in charge of them (which I really don’t like the idea of…as I don’t trust people). But I think it was more in the thought of getting me out of the house…

Which seems to be a popular thought of late…As it seems Raya and my Mum had a similar conversation today while I was out walking.

Thing is…I do know I need to do something…But I don’t know what to do. I don’t do well in social situations…Yeah, I survived last Saturday…and I’ll survive next Saturday. But last Saturday there was 1) The moment where I almost didn’t return, and I was feeling all paniced by the thought of returning. 2) The moment of staring out at the dance floor, wishing I could be out there, but having no one to go out there with, and not the ability to just join in, or ask if I could. (All I did get was the overwhelming feeling of not belonging.) Next Saturday (the Retired Firemans Banquet)…I’ll go…eat…sit…listen to them hand out the awards for stupid things the firemen managed to do throughout the year…wonder if Batman is going to ‘pet’ my dress again this year. Yeah, there is suppose to be dancing…but I hold no delusions that that has anything to do with me what-so-ever.

So yeah…I’m not sure where else to go from here at the moment…So I guess I will wander off…