I should so be sleeping. *falls over*

My head is killing me. It’s been doing that for most of the day, but to a lesser degree for the majority of it, thankfully. I know what started it though…I was actually having a dream that was registering in my mind, though it made little to no sense and the time, and even less now. But whenever I am in a deep enough sleep to be dreaming, and I’m woken abruptly (in this case by the alarm clock going off) it causes instant pain in my head.

Let’s see…other things for the day…

I worked on some more clothes. I’ve got two new shirts in the work. One is another bodice/corsset style. It’s going to be a dark teal-ish blue. I haven’t decided if I’m going to do the ‘lace-up’ front thing on it or just leave it without the lace-up stuff. The other, I didn’t think I was going to actually have enough material for, but surprisingly enough, I did, with some left over. Now if my machine will play nice on that one, as its a thin, thin material, and it tends to not want to sew it like it should. But it’s a sheer material, in silver! Actually if you go back to the pictures I posted in Novemeber I think it was…The dress I made to represent the one Severus gave Raven, it’s the same material that makes up the silver part of the dress that I’m making the shirt out of.

I started on something for this entry this morning…I had two paragraphs, and the electic flashed off, taking my entry with it. *sigh* I then did make another one…but I decided it was just…blah.

Thing of it is, I’m wondering if I have more reasons why I’m staying in this hell that I previously thought. I never really thought that I was afraid/worried/etc. about being alone…but once I got to thinking…it’s been so very long since I have really been alone. Though I guess in the long run, what I have now isn’t that much diffrent…save for the fact that I’ve got the look of not being…or the false sense of not being.

I mean, when I really looked back on things…Here I am 30, and for the last 15 years, There has always been someone is some state of being. Though I will be the first to admit, that I don’t think any of the relationships I’ve had have been overly healthy. *sigh* I don’t know how to explain it fully without going into details…and I really don’t want to put any of you through the messed up list. Needless to say, there has been somone there almost always, even if there was no commitment…and sometimes when I was in a ‘commited’ relationship, there were still others that were there as well. I think maybe the longest I’ve been without some kind of attention has been two months…two months in 15 years. Granted the last 11 of those years I’ve been with the pet…Together since Sept/Oct 1995, married since June 1997. Not that I really recieve the attention…I could, or would, if I aloud it, but I am not in the state of mind to want him that close to me. The thought is enough to make me shudder. Still…I stay in this mess.

There are the two loans…I don’t want anymore arguements over who owns my Mum’s Jeep…and it’s tied up in the one loan. And the other is on the house. Both loans are in the pets name…I can’t lose those things. And I don’t want to share the kids…For starters, he isn’t responsible enough to watch them. Secondly, even if he was, he’s suppose to be on call for the fire dept. all the time. And I don’t want him leaving them with just anyone. I don’t even really like leaving them with his mother…though I am getting better with it (mostly because Sonja has gotten to the point that she can help keep an eye on him-Yes, I trust the 7 year old to watch her brother more than I would their father).

What got me thinking…The desktop wallpaper on my laptop…*sigh* To enlighten those who don’t know what it is…which I think is everyone but Raya…since she got to hear about the Critters not happy reactions to it. *laughs* Tis the red tinted picture of Raven and Sirius. I so want that kiss…*sigh* It just looks like it’s going to be one of those incredible wonderful ones.

I’m worried about falling into old habits…Though to be honest, part of me would just like to surrender to such things…ill-gotten love is better than none…*sigh* And it’s not as if I haven’t been down that road of late anyway…well…I guess it’s been nearly a year again. Not that I am going to have the chance…Despite my mind telling me I have prospects…common sense tells me otherwise.

1) Just because Ryan has asked my Mum to meet me, means nothing. He’s also offered to come sit on the porch waiting for the pet to come home so he can tell him he doesn’t live here anymore. I’ve never met Ryan, have never seen Ryan…And know very little about him. He’s mental enough to let the pyscho ex-little brother live with him (and he’s now in possesion of a copy of said psycho wearing one of my dresses *laughs*). He has a shaved head, and tattoos. He’s into mideval re-enactments, and I think D&D. And he’s going to the party at the end of the month in the geise of the Mad Hatter.

2) Then there is Batman…aka…Jason. Which despite the scenerios my mind plays out, is most likely an even more of a lost cause. 1)He’s a fireman, so he knows the pet. 2)He’s pretty much sort of one of the pet’s friends. And I really know absolutely nothing about him, outside him being a fireman…and that last year at the banquet he felt the need to touch my dress to see how the material felt. And when he asked me what I was writing, and I told him, if memory serves me he said it was cool.

Well, as this has probably put most to sleep…I’ll free you from your comas, and be on my way…I should be asleep…though I’ll have to fight Sonja for my place.