A peek into the Shadows

Will I ever grow up? Thing is…I don’t really want to. I don’t want to go off and be the adult, and do all the responsible things. I’ve done enough of it already. Some of it before my time. I never got the childhood all children are suppose to have. I was damaged early on, and thats effected me since. I want to live the happy childhood, the happy teenage years…thing is…those are pretty much fairy tales if you think about it, really think about it. Statistics I’m sure say so. They only happen for the really lucky. I’m not one of them.

Here’s the dark story in a quick little nutshell…or as quick as it can be…and baring the fact that I can’t remeber exact details, mostly because I spent so long trying to forget them.

I was somewhere between 6-8 when two of my cousins started molesting me, off and on. Whenever they got the chance and felt like it I guess. *shrugs* I only remeber that I was in school, and we’d been taught about good touch and bad touch…and I knew this was bad…but the one was my Mum’s favorite nephew…and they were much older, and there was two of them…and despite the fact that I knew I hadn’t done anything wrong, and that they had…I didn’t think that anyone would believe me…so I said nothing…I suffered in silence.

It went on until my first of second year of middle school…so 6th or 7th grade…I can’t really remeber for sure…Only that my one cousin, my Mum’s favorite nephew, had come to live with us for a while…bringing the abuse into my own home. The one place that was suppose to be safe…and it wasn’t anymore either. Luckily he didn’t stay long, he went home where he belonged…

He got married quite a few years back…Mum of course had to go to the wedding, as she had no idea what had happened…I was expected to go as well…Mum went…I went…the pet went…Ken went…(I can’t remeber if the pet and I were married by then or not…I’m thinking not…*shrugs*)…I got drunk at the reception…Something Ken mixed up I think…And I can’t remeber how it went for sure. But I managed in my drunken state to blurt out to my Mum, and the pet, and Ken…that the cousin had molested me, and then went on to name some others who had taken advantage of me throughout the year…Drunk as I was, I still managed to hold enough of my senses not to add Ken to that list…It’s not like he’s innocent of wrong doing…though still…perhaps he is my own fault…but I get ahead of myself.

When I was 15 1/2…I had my first ‘real’ boyfriend. I wish I hadn’t now. He was older than me…And at one point had no place to live…so I talked my Mum into letting him come and live with us. He had been a friends with my cousins…Yes those cousins…should of known better right there, huh. I suppose I’ve never been too bright. Despite not being sure about wanting to do things…I ended up doing things…pretending I didn’t care. He took something from me I can never get back…the last little part of my already damaged innocence.

I did realize it was something I was not ready for, and I told him that…but after it happened once, it just didn’t matter. I didn’t want to believe it was what it was…So I just pretended it didn’t matter…Even if it did matter…I didn’t even have to be awake, that’s how little it mattered to him…All I wanted to do was to escape…But I did know how…So what did I do…I turned to someone else to escape. A pattern I would seem to develope.

Trying to escape from having to do what I did not want to do on an almost nightly basis…I turned to Mike.
Nothing too serious had happened between me and Mike when the other one found out…He read my diary…I found myself held down, face pushed into a mattress, crying so hard I could hardly breath, while this person who said he loved me, took what he wanted from me, taunting me the whole time…asking me if I wished it was Mike….Personally, I was wishing I was dead.

I finaly escaped…with my mind warped and bent by then…and into Mike’s waiting, and corrputive arms. I would do anything he asked, all I wanted to do was please him, he saved me after all…*rolls eyes* Yeah, right. Let’s be honest, Mike took what he wanted, when he wanted it as well…though I was over eager to give to him. Trying to make it all right, trying to make everything alright. Woke up to him having his want once as well…(Eventually I have learned not to sleep as deeply as I once did). I got pregnant, and it strained and already strained relationship…I found out not long ago that he wasn’t faithful to me either…though I can’t say I’m really surprised.

I was set to move on, after he’d turned me loose, and then dragged me back into his web. Bill was a sweetheart, and deserved so much better than what he got, because what he got was me. Pregnant with Mike’s child, and still very much his to control. Another friend, Scott, had asked Mike if he could ask me out…Mike told him no, because he figured I’d tell Scott yes. Bill asked, he figured I’d tell Bill no, so he gave him his okay to ask me out…Mike, for once in his life, was wrong. *weak laugh*
So I started going out with Bill…let him think he had me, mind, body, and soul…Save for the fact, Mike had not let of of me…And I slipped, and fell…and made my mistake…and Mike held it against me…told me if I didn’t do as he wanted, when he wanted, he’d tell Bill of my first transgression…So like a fool…I did as Mike told me to do.

I wanted to escape Mike…(odd thought considering not so distant events, huh)…Instead of addmitting to Bill what had happened, I looked for someone to save me from Mike. I turned to Bill’s friend Jeremy…and came close to taking his innocence from him…though I’m sure I tainted him some. When I seen he could save me…I turned next to Derrick…Who would monopolize my time, and manage to find a way to distance me from Mike…eventually freeing me from Mike…but leaving me trapped with him.

Derrick was quite the obsessive being. I hardly had room to breathe, let alone think. And he too would push until he got what he wanted. Even going so much as to invade my slumber as well…I broke up with Bill, my guilt killing me. Still he found out…we reconciled once…but when he went off to college, things fell apart once more…

In the mean time there was…Gods…who was next? Blake? Who I didn’t really love…and we just kind of drifted apart…David…who I was with once…
Ken…Who I was foolish enough to fall for. Of course, being the Gemini male that he is, he knows how to mess with ones mind really well. Knows the right words to say to convince someone to do as he desired. I told him no on a couple occasions, only to have him convince me that it was all well and good, and it was fine for us to be together. (Even to the point of convinceing me it was okay to sleep with him while Derrick was passed out on the floor not even three foot from us. Quite a mess…My life…

And I’ve left out somethings…I know I have. But it’s too much trouble to go back and fill them in. But here…is a look into my twisted and warped life…

I was faithful to the pet for nearly 10 years…Mike broke that resolve, simply, easily, quickly. I thought it was because I still loved Mike, even after all he did…Thing is, after it fell apart again…I don’t think I really loved him anymore…It

was, an escape…as always. At least this time it was by choice though…I had my sense about me…at least to the point of giving them up knowingly and willingly.

I’m not sure this went entirly how I wanted to…but I guess in the long run it doesn’t matter. I needed to get some things out…