Trying to purge some thoughts from my mind

[Wrote this earlier…was feeling kind of blah…but just needed to get it out]

What happens to me when everyone else gets a life? I suppose…it’ll just go back to how things were before. Everyone will fade away, and I will be left alone once more.

I search and find connections…and then real life claims the people who have become near and dear to me…and *poof* they are gone.

I noticed last night, I’m almost at 500 entries on my roleplay diary. How I’d much rather be living those entries than my life, even with Raven in her current battered state.

Mum got a bit ‘bitchy’ with me, and all I did was not go into the living room. Bloody hell…Ever think I might need some effing time to myself? I didn’t feel like making food for everyone, yet I did, even if it was only pizza bagels, which I don’t even like. So no, I didn’t have any…Why give a damn not if I’m effing eating or not? I’ll find somethin gto effing eat when I bloody well want to.

And it’s not like she doesn’t go all ‘pouty’. Bloody hell, she did this morning even. Got up and said she was going to her room because the t.v. was too loud.
1) The only part that was loud was the opening music on the dvd
2) If she waited half an effing second (instead of storming off) it could/would of been turned down.
3) If she wants uninterupted sleep, she should be in her effing room anyway! (That’s what she would tell any of us.)

On top of that…the effing pet didn’t go to work today. His mere presence aggravates me. He seems to think it’s Harley’s job to do his bidding, and he keeps telling Sonja he’ll give her a dollar to do things…She never sees the money.

I set the t.v. to cartoons for the kids, and he goes behind me and changes it to some effing show about using torture to elicit confessions.

He did got to the doctor, then came home and expected me to go back into town to get his perscription filled. WTF?! He was in town, why didn’t he just get the effing thing? He said something about money…what makes him think I’ve got the effing money for it?

Everyone seems like they’ve got some kind of direction…I’ve got…none. And I don’t see me finding any. I just don’t know what to do with myself…and I don’t see me figuring it out either.

I love writing…I’m only truely happy when I’m lost in the world of roleplay. (Which is probably why I have so many prewritten entries.) But it doesn’t do me any good, as all that is mine is Raven (and Naamah, and Azi…Trevor, but he’s just an extention of the Cauldron, and Orinda…but outside of rpg/fanfic…she’s pretty much nothing as well).

Blah…well…since I have nothing for tonight, I should be writing an entry instead of this…So I guess I’ll go try that.

[And that’s the end of what I wrote this afternoon]

Did get my entry for roleplay written, typed, and updated. Used Miriam’s evil little thought reading spider.

Mum’s State Income Tax Refund is pending at the bank today…which means (hopefully) Mine and the Pet’s will be there tomarrow. Federal for all of us is due in Friday.

Did get Peter’s cage cleaned today…so he should at least be happy. Gave him a new box, got rid of his self-filling feeder (because it was a piece of rubbish) and put his orginal water bowl in as his food bowl now…Though it appears to be full of cedar chips already. *shakes head* Silly rodant.

I haven’t worked on my shirts since I decided they were too big…I think because it frustrates me so…and I’m not sure I can get the one to fix properly. The other one I’m not so worried about, because I know I can make it fit…and it gives me thoughts of use for the patter at a later date. But a small derailment seems to derail me a great deal…Though I do have the desire to work on more clothes…Still…I loathe patterns.

I want some good designs to think on…to make…something that makes it look like I can go shopping in the fancy stores. Though I don’t know why I should even bother…as I go…nowhere. I don’t even bother getting dressed usually (meaning I wear my pajama’s all day for the most part). *sigh* Gods…how pathetic does that sound…I don’t want it to be like that. I want something to do…but it’s hard to have anything to do when most of the time it means dragging two children behind you…or having to find someone to watch them (and not trusting most people…My little ones drive me bloody mental at times, but I don’t want to just let anyone watch/take care of them).

Ooo…They’re fencing on Crossing Jordan…*sigh* I want to get into a good sword fight. I want to do a lot of things…
1) (Like stated above) I want to get into a good sword fight.
2) I want to write my own story, with my own characters…and yes…I would love for it to get published.
3) I want to climb one of those rock wall thingys…There is one in the mall right now…but I haven’t the nerve to actually do it there.
4) I want to make clothes…Draw them, design them, sew the first one…and have someone say, hey let’s mass produce this…and see someone else wearing something I came up with.
5) I want to build my cabin in the woods.

Okay…so that’s not really a lot…but I know there are more…I just can’t think of them right now. *sigh*

I remeber when I was little…I thought I’d be something specail…
I thought I could be a princess…I really, really did…For the longest time I’d only wear floor-length dresses even, because that’s what princess’s wore. *laughs*
I wanted to be pretty (suppose I still do)…I thought I could be (don’t feel like that very often anymore)…I wanted to be like the models, everyone saying how pretty they are…or an actress, etc. etc.
I wanted to be able to sing…just be talented…be something…But…nothing seems to be coming from that.

Blah…*headdesk*

I think…this will be enough of this seemingly depressing entry…