To Spork or Not to Spork…A Spoof

Okay…first off, I don’t know if this whole thing will fit in one entry…but I’m going to try, as it is over 11 pages long. The people I roleplay with may remeber a bit back someone was quite mean about the fanfic spin off I was working on, and I was quite upset by it…After a bit, I worked past the hurt and anger, and used a bit of humour to help…this is the results of that humour…with a bit of help from my darling sister. As some of the words and thoughts did actually come from her. *hugs*

Azi (as he looks over Raven’s shoulder): What you doing?

Raven: Writing, I thought that was obvious. Even to you.

Azi: Ha ha, it is to laugh. What are you writing?

Raven: The classic Mary Sue fan fic.

Azi: Why?

Raven: Because stupid people make me laugh. I thought you knew that already.

Azi: Was that a dig at me? *Raven Shrugs* So, what is our Sue’s name?

Raven with quizical look: When did she become ours?

Azi: As soon as you were foolish enough to tell me what you were doing.

Raven: Fine, if it will make you feel important and special. I know it’s so lacking in your life.

Azi: Ah, you cut me deep.

Raven: No, that would be Sectimsempra.

Azi: Mr.Sunshine teach you that one? *Raven grins* Why does this not surprise me? Anyway, name?

Raven: Esmerelda

Azi: Esmerelda what? *Raven shrugs* Ah, I see the thought put into this.

Raven: And yet, it’s more thought than you have had in what, all your life? *Azi shakes head, smirk in place* Angelus.

Azi: Angelus?

Raven: It’s from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and it’s spin-off Angel.

Azi: And that has anything to do with this because?

Raven: It doesn’t have to. Consider it random fodder. *thinks* Plus, now they can call her Angel.

Azi: Oh joy. Hair, eyes? Would it be too much to assume she has a personality?

Raven: Black, green, and possibly.

Azi: How about raven-colored locks, and emerald eyes.

Raven: Except.

Azi: Except what?

Raven: Her mood effects her eyes. They’ll flash violet when she’s angry.

Azi: Why violet?

Raven: Why not?

Azi: Ah, good point.

Raya enters, having overheard the last bit of the discussion: How about a depressing blue when she’s extremely sad?

Raven: Depressing blue? Is that really a color?

Raya: No, but does it really have to be?

Raven and Azi: Good point. *three laughs*

Raven: House.

Azi: Two story, ranch style, with a white picket fence? *recieves pointed look from Raven* Okay, not what you meant.

Raven: How perceptive of you. Slytherin or Gryffindor?

Azi: What about Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff?

Raven: Are you that much of a git? No one ever uses Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff.

Azi: Why do you always say Slytherin first.

Raya and Raven: Because it’s the best house. *Azi rolls eyes*

Raven: What do you care. You’re not even a real wizard.

Azi: Point well taken. And I left the states for this, why?

Raya: Girl and Git troubles. *snickers*

Azi: Ah, she too knows my life story.

Raven: Yes, not that anyone cares to hear it. Now, back to Esmerelda.

Azi: Wavy.

Raven: Wavy?

Azi: Her hair. Wavy locks of raven hair. *smirk well in place*

Raven with a scowl: You just like using my name to describe hair.

Azi with a look of mock innocence: Whatever do you mean? *Raven rolls eyes*

Raven: Anyway, back to house issue.

Azi: Whose the love interest?

Raven: What does that matter?

Azi: Well is this one of those cross-house thingys? Or an in-house fling?

Raven: Who said their was a love interest?

Azi: Isn’t there always?

Raya: I hate to say it, but he’s got a point.

Raven with a sigh: Other than the one on the top of his head even. Fine, who then?

Azi: But we didn’t decide what house.

Raven: You’re the one that brought up the love intrest.

Azi: Why are you listening to me?

Raven: Why indeed. *Raya snickers in the background* And my sister folks.

Raya: What?

Raven: And the house rule is, never side with the…

Azi: The what?

Raven: Nevermind.

Azi: No, I want to know what.

Raven: Non-human species. *Azi raises eyebrow* I didn’t say it.

Azi: Yes, would of been quite rich coming from a winged snake-girl, while speaking to the werewolf.

Raven looking behind her, then down at legs: No wings, no snakie-tail. Please don’t confuse me with Naamah.

Raya: And I prefer reformed, in the process of being cured werewolf.

Azi: Points well taken, and the Earth Spirt will rest his case.

Raven: Can we get back to the task at hand? *silence* Very well then. House and love interest. *deep breath in and out* Any suggestions?

Azi with smirk, fighting laugh: Mr.Sunshine? *Raven glares* Kidding! Kidding. *hands held up in defense*

Raven makes face: Draco or Harry? *Raya groans* I know, I know, trust me I know.

Azi: How about me?

Raven: You’re not Canon.

Azi: So?

Raya: Classic Sue must fall for Canon boy, or make Canon boy fall for her.

Azi with mock sigh: Why is everything always against me?

Raven: Do you want it in alphabetical, most annoying trait? Shall I go on?

Azi: You love me and you know it.

Raven: Yes, you’re right up there with Orthadonist appointments and Death Eaters.

Azi: Death Eaters? Now that was just cold.

Raven with a smirk: You’re right, poor Death Eaters. *laughs*

Azi: Okay, I get it, enough picking on the land mover, okay?

Raven: Well, for this moment anyway. *smirks*

Azi: So, back to the evil question. Harry or Draco?

Raya: Potter, just make sure to make it horrible.

Raven: I was kind of leaning twords that. *thinks* Or maybe she could be the classic flip-flop Sue.

Raya: Yes.

Azi: Okay. Now that that painful choice is out of the way. House?

Raven and Raya: Gryffindor.

Azi: I shudder to ask this but…reasoning?

Raven: What does reasoning have to do with this? Besides, she’s obviously mentally challenged, just look at her choice in men. *Raven and Raya laugh, Azi rolls eyes*

Azi: Okay now what, plot?

Raven: Plot? You really haven’t been around long, have you? *laughs* Now we need…*thinks* Is she the butterfly emerged from the cocoon over the summer? Or the ever present transfer student?

Azi: Butterfly.

Raya: Transfer student.

Raven: Transfer student it is.

Azi: Why do I bother.

Raya: Why indeed.

Raven: Now from where? Beauxbatons? *makes face* Noze wayz could Izz talks like thizzz. *laughs* Durmstrang?

Raya: Gryffindor.

Raven: Good point.

Azi: What?

Raven with a roll of her eyes: Don’t you ever read? Dumstrang actually teaches the Dark Arts, I don’t think a student of theirs would make it into Gryffindor. *sigh* So, it’s the traditional witch transfer student from good ol’ America.

Azi: I’m traditional?

Raven: Are you forgetting you’re not a wizard again?

Azi: Oh yes, please pardon my faux-pas.

Raven: Just don’t let it happen agai

n. *laughs* So the American witch at Hogwarts. Let’s just step out of the realm of normality here for a minute, and actually make her from the one American school that has actually been mentioned.

Raya: That would be a step away from normality. What are you trying to do to our poor Sue?

Raven: So she’s yours now too?

Raya: Well, I am helping.

Raven: Point taken. Okay this is what we have. Esmerelda Angelus, wavy raven-coloured hair, emerald eyes, but they change with her mood. American transfer student from, of all places, The Salem Witches’ Institute. Sorted into Gryffindor, and flip-flops between everybodies hero, The Boy Who Can Get Away With Anything, and everbodies favorite ‘bad-boy’, who can use daddies money to get away with anything.

Azi: That leaves what before we get this show on the road?

Raya: Her annoying specail talents.

Raven hand on forehead in thought: Animagus, Metamorphmagus, Occlumens/Legilimens, insanely good at everything.

Raya: Sounds good to me.

Raven: All of them?

Raya: Well, Animagus definately, and good at Occlumency

Raven: And Legilimency as well, one step above reading minds.

Raya: Can play Quidditch.

 

Raven: Oh yes, can’t forget Quidditch.

Raya: Wonderful singer and amazingly beautiful?

Raven: Isn’t that a given?

Raya: Yes.

Azi with grin in place: So we’re looking at one of these, all the curves in the right places kind of girls.

Raven: She’s Potter’s and Malfoy’s, so just get your mind back on the task at hand. Animagus form.

Azi: A slug?

Raven: What’s wrong with you?

Azi: Other than the obvious? Sitting here…where is here by the way?

Raven with puzzeled look: Great Hall? Grimmauld Place? *scowls at Azi* Does it really matter where we are? Esmerelda is going to be where ever she needs to be, at Hogwarts. *shakes head and rolls eyes in Azi’s general direction* Now, to come up with something better than a slug.

Raya: Yeah, a cutesy kitten?

Raven: Awwww. *fights the urge to vomit up her last meal* But shouldn’t that be her classic Sue pet?

Raya: Oh, yes. *a moments though* Reckon she’ll be Voldemort’s long-lost daughter? Just kidding.

Raven: No, we need some other annoying conncetion. She’s Lily’s bastard daughter with Sirius. So when she’s with Harry she’ll be snogging her half-brother.

Raya: So she’s snogging her half-brother? *laughs*

Raven shaking her head: No, I can’t even do that one.

Azi: So what color is the kitten?

Raven: Wait a minute. Weren’t we doing Animagus form?

Raya: Yeah.

Raven: What happened?

Raya: Azi suggested a slug.

Raven: And per usual, anything Azi is involved with spirals out of control.

Azi: But I’m always good for a laugh.

Raven with a smirk: That’s for sure. *Azi’s jaw drops, Raya laughs*

Azi: I don’t think I like the way you said that.

Raven: I’m sure you don’t. *snickers* Anyway…Animagus form. *thinks* Some kind of canine? Perhaps something from the big cat family? Mare, doe? A bloody antelope?

Azi with a smirk: Wouldn’t that be messy? *Raven rolls eyes* Come on, you know I’ve been dying to use that one since I got here.

Raven: And when are you going home?

Azi: You would miss me and you know it.

Raven: Yeah, just like I’m going to miss my braces when the bloody things finaly come off. *snickers* Now, once more. Animagus form? I’m leaning more twords a member of the large cat family.

Raya tosses book twords Raven: Here, maybe this will help.

Raven reading book title: Totems: Spirits of the Earth.

Azi: Someone wrote a book about me?

Raven: It’s Spirits of the Earth, not Annoying Earth Spirits. *flips through pages* Oh here we go, and we can add even more annoying traits to our Sue. Bear…When on the hunt it seems to saunter in a leisurely manner. When she’s after Drarry and Hacko she can saunter in a leisurely manner.

Raya with a snicker: Drarry and Hacko?

Raven: Motter and Palfoy? *laughs* Sorry, I just couldn’t say their names again just yet. Okay, she can saunter in a leisurely manner twords Harry and/or Draco. Better?

Azi: Okay, so she’s a bear Animagus.

Raven: Yes, and listed under things associated with the bear is being a natural healer, and the Norse bear was considered a masterful martial artist.

Raya: So she’s like what, a black belt?

Raven: Sure why not.

Azi: And after she beats the crap out of them, she can use her natural healing skills to fix them back up.

Raven: Exactly.

Azi drops head, hiding face in hands, letting out a groaning sound.

Raya: I think he finaly gets it. *laughs* *Raven nods*

Raven: And here we go, her Patronus, a boar.

Raya: A boar?

Azi: After rejecting my slug animagus?

Raven: Boars are associated with the OtherWorld, and are believed to have absorbed much transcendental wisdom. Vikings believed that the image of the boar would serve as a protector in battle. Also it represents both death and rebirth.

Raya: I think you are begining to put too much thought into our Sue.

Raven with a laugh: You’re probably right. Still, it’s here already, so might as well use it. *nods of agreement* Next issue…Year.

Azi: 2005!

Raven: Don’t be a prat. *thinks* Probably should be in the same year as ‘the boys’ so they can have the same classes. *frowns* Hate the thought of writing anything 6th year, and having to shove Slughorn in there.

Azi: Whose Slughorn?

Raven and Raya: Don’t ask! *Azi throws hands up in defensive postion*

Azi: So that would leave…What?

Raven: First through Fifth…Not that I want to write about Umbridge either. *makes face*

Raya makes face at the thought of Umbridge: What about seventh? The younger guys can fall for the ‘older woman’.

Raven: Still trying to avoid that whole Severus as DADA, and Slughorn as Potions professor.

Azi: Wait a minute? Mr. Sunshine gets to be DADA professor? And someone else is Potions professor?

Raven: Only in that ‘other’ universe. *snickers*

Raya thinking: Fifth then? It’d be better to write Umbridge than Slughorn. You’ve got to pick the lesser of two evils.

Raven: Yes, at least Umbridge didn’t fawn over Potter like Slughorn did, quite undeservingly I might add.

Raya nodding: Just carved out his hand. *snickers*

Raven: Adds character. *smirks*

Raya: *laughs* He just deserved it, even if he really didn’t. Somewhere along the lines, I’m sure he did. Even if it’s just for being a Golden Boy, annoying bloody prat, and an arse to Snape.

Azi: Remind me never to get on your two’s bad side. You do have good sides, right?

Raya: *laughs* Of course we have good sides. Only to those select few though. *snickers*

Raven: I am a total sweetheart. Just like Raya.

Raya: Yes, Slytherin Sweethearts.

Raven: Where were we again?

Azi: Fifth year, Umbrigde, avoiding some Slughorn.

Raven: That leaves…What? Boggart…Anything else?

Azi: Cuddley kitten colour.

Raven: So which next?

Raya: Boggart.

Azi: Kitten c

olour.

Raven: Boggart is it. *snickers*

Azi throwing hands up, falling futher back onto couch: I give up.

Raya: Good boy. *laughs* How about…

Azi: How about Raya. *snickers* She scares me.

Raya glaring at Azi: I’ll show you scary.

Raven: Whoa, come on now. This is serious…Well, sort of. *three laughs* Boggart.

Azi: Black.

Raven: Sirius? Granted he’s annoying, but not scary.

Raya: Hey, that’s my Uncle.

Azi: I meant for the kitten.

Raven: Boggart. Not kitten.

Raya: Just give it to him. Maybe he’ll shut up. *laughs*

Azi sticks out tongue at Raya

Raven *face palm*:Fine, fine, black kitten. Can we get on with Boggart now.

Azi: Mr.Sunshine.

Raya: Okay, Neville. *snickers*

Azi with raised eyebrow: Neville’s that afraid of Snape?

Raven: You guys just don’t know him like I do.

Azi: Thank the gods. *snickers*

Raya: No doubt. *laughs*

Raven rolling eyes: Boggart.

Azi: Don’t boggart the boggart.

Raven wtih raised eyebrow: It hurts to be you, doesn’t it?

Azi gets slightly confused look. Raya laughs.

Raven: Once more…Boggart? Serious answers only. *notes Azi’s look* What?

Azi with smirk: Trying to think of an answer Sirius would come up with. *Raven groans*

Raya: That was bad.

Azi with look of actulally being in possion of an idea: Frogs!

Raven, looking questionably at him: Frogs?

Azi: No, I’m serious. Rommy is afraid of frogs. *shakes head* It’s a Loup Garou thing. But it could work.

Raven looks over at Raya

Raya shrugs: It’s as good as anything else we’ve got.

Raven: That’s because we haven’t gotten anything else. *pointed look by Raya* Yeah. Okay, frogs it is. *look says shes still unsure* Anything else?