On The Wonk

Again, here, the register/tone is all up and down, it doesn’t carry a steady level of anything. The punctuation is all off in the first verse which makes it a bit confusing to read and potentially changes the meaning. “My features would have gone on the wonk” – it just doesn’t scan right, it doesn’t read in a flowing steady way. Prior to this line you’re in a storytelling voice, possibly building up a comic ending or a tragic one, realistic tale in an airy folky tone. Then half way through a line you break that tone and mood and voice with “have gone on the wonk”. It’s obviously slang but it’s a different tone, it doesn’t fit and it isn’t striking enough to form a contrast. A contrast approach would maybe have been something more direct like “I’d just have gone on the wonk”. “But I wasn’t looking in hindsight I was looking with a very narrow focus, I admit that I had my beer goggles on I really should get them looked at” You use three lines to say something very simple here, it’s kinda drumming it in, too much. Then the typical dad/uncle type joke thrown in at the end just seems cringeworthy, not only because it’s a bit lame to begin with but because of the

way you build it up so painstakingly for 3 lines, then it fails to deliver the impact the reader is hoping/waiting for. I like the metaphor and the joke you’re going for, but it just seems really forced and overly explained and lengthy. Also, don’t start a line with Because in a poem. There has never been a good poem that starts a line with Because.