Dear Mrs Bourne! You’re a BITCH!!

 So many have read the snarky e-mail the future mother in law sent her step-son’s fiance..

 

If you haven’t read the e-mail here it is verbatim:

 

It is high time someone explained to you about good manners. Yours are obvious by their absence and I feel sorry for you.

Unfortunately for Freddie, he has fallen in love with you and Freddie being Freddie, I gather it is not easy to reason with him or yet encourage him to consider how he might be able to help you.

It may just be possible to get through to you though. I do hope so.

Your behaviour on your visit to Devon during April was staggering in its uncouthness and lack of grace.

Unfortunately, this was not the first example of bad manners I have experienced from you.

If you want to be accepted by the wider Bourne family I suggest you take some guidance from experts with utmost haste.

There are plenty of finishing schools around. You would be an ideal candidate for the Ladette to Lady television series.

Please, for your own good, for Freddie’s sake and for your future involvement with the Bourne family, do something as soon as possible.

Here are a few examples of your lack of manners:

When you are a guest in another’s house, you do not declare what you will and will not eat – unless you are positively allergic to something.

You do not remark that you do not have enough food.

You do not start before everyone else.

You do not take additional helpings without being invited to by your host.

When a guest in another’s house, you do not lie in bed until late morning in households that rise early – you fall in line with house norms.

 

There are plenty of finishing schools around. You would be an ideal candidate for the Ladette to Lady television series.

Carolyn Bourne
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You should never ever insult the family you are about to join at any time and most definitely not in public. I gather you passed this off as a joke but the reaction in the pub was one of shock, not laughter.

I have no idea whether you wrote to thank [your future sister-in-law] for the weekend but you should have hand-written a card to her.

You should have hand-written a card to me. You have never written to thank me when you have stayed at Houndspool.

[Your future sister-in-law] has quite the most exquisite manners of anyone I have ever come across. You would do well to follow her example.

You regularly draw attention to yourself. Perhaps you should ask yourself why.

It is tragic that you have diabetes. However, you aren’t the only young person in the world who is a diabetic.

I know quite a few young people who have this condition, one of whom is getting married in June. I have never heard her discuss her condition.

She quietly gets on with it. She doesn’t like being diabetic. Who would? You do not need to regale everyone with the details of your condition or use it as an excuse to draw attention to yourself. It is vulgar.

As a diabetic of long standing you must be acutely aware of the need to prepare yourself for extraordinary eventualities, the walk to Mothecombe beach being an example.

You are experienced enough to have prepared yourself appropriately.

No-one gets married in a castle unless they own it. It is brash, celebrity style behaviour.

I understand your parents are unable to contribute very much towards the cost of your wedding. (There is nothing wrong with that except that convention is such that one might presume they would have saved over the years for their daughters’ marriages.)

If this is the case, it would be most ladylike and gracious to lower your sights and have a modest wedding as befits both your incomes.

One could be accused of thinking that Heidi Withers must be patting herself on the back for having caught a most eligible young man. I pity Freddie.

 

This is my response as Heidi..

 

Dear Mrs. Bourne,

 

Thank you so much for taking the time to write me,  I would have preferred a handwritten note when it comes to such personal correspondence, however I can see that your missive was most urgent since you took the time to mail it to not only my personal e-mail but also my work e-mail.  It is quite clear that this was the most pressing issue in

your life at the moment.

I can appreciate your attempt to correct my manners but it goes without saying, that correct manners would be to never comment directly on someone’s manners (or lack thereof)  instead you should choose the option to speak snidely to your friends and comment behind one’s back to bolster one’s own standing and ego, which I suppose at this point is moot.  

I would like to take a few moments to address some of your concerns which are obviously so high on your priorities.  You stated in your letter that it is unfortunate that your step-son has fallen in love, in particular with me,  I may not be an authority on manners but I can readily say that insulting your son’s judgement to his future spouse might be considered rude (some authorities on etiquette might consider this to be a breach of decorum but I digress) however I would like to point out your son is the product of your parenting skills (though I suppose since this is your third marriage you cannot take the responsibility for his behavior) as for myself I can honestly say I love your son fully so all I can say is that you have done a great job raising him into a fine young man!

You have pointed out my uncouthness and lack of grace,  and you recommended to me that I attend a finishing school,  I would be happy to attend a finishing school, perhaps I could attend the one that you attended, Oh wait!,  you didn’t attend one, or at least any finishing school that would own you as the product of their efforts. 

 

It is true that I asked particular questions about some of the items at the Bourne family table,  however candied suckling pig in prune sauce is just not acceptable to my body,  and the fact that you served foods that I cannot eat for medical reasons despite that fact that I asked your son to discretely share my medical history with you before I came was to me an attempt if not to cause bodily harm then at the minimum great discomfort.  I would like to think that going into a diabetic coma would excuse me from partaking of the particular cuisine at your table.  In any case I forgive your lack of grace concerning my health and well-being. 

I did enjoy the soup and perhaps I did start before the others at the table I thought that your father was slurping his soup at the end of the table but have since discovered his habit of snoring into the soup bowl while you share your latest achievements in the floral universe!  I had always been taught to allow the patriarch to begin the victuals.

It is true that I was late in sleeping however between the food situation and the fact that your son slipped into my room and shagged me senseless all night I completely lost track of time.  I expected to be woken up since the male staff of the house as well as your husband spent an inordinate amount of time outside my door asking me almost continually if there was anything that could do for me,  my goodness its shocking what the men will do for the peek of a young lady in a nightgown!  Your husband is quite cheeky, and seemed to find any excuse to attend to my needs concerning the guest room.  I would assume the many moments where he forgot to quite close his robe was just an issue of his advanced age, which obviously hasn’t dampened his virilty as he was quite happy to display at every oppurtunity.  In any case I am quite sure that you received ample attention from him after his multiple intrusions in the guest wing. Thankfully your son came in to chase off your husband at the staff.

 

I am so sorry about the embarrassment you experienced at the pub,  you see I do have a slight speech impediment and when I went to say your name, it did quite sound like  Lady "Boor-ing"  apparently this phrase has been used alot by the locals.  I can understand that finally being let into the community joke concerning you being a boor is quite shocking.  As for myself I couldn’t disagree more,  I find you positively delightful!

Concerning the hand written notes,  I actually gave the notes to your son and asked him to personally deliver them to you to thank you for your incredible hospitality,  I am as surprised as you that you did not receive them,  perhaps a conversation with your son is order.  Its really a shame as I included some beautiful roses with the cards,  which I suppose they are very dead by this time.  

Concerning my diabetes,  frankly I asked your son to share it with you alone,  and the long walk was not an issue because of the diabetes, it was because your son shagged me witless and my thighs simply cannot make the walk after the all night marathon!  Plus I spent almost an hour on the floor cleaning up, goodness gracious it was a long night!

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You mentioned to others that i caused distress to your dog Bomber and that I draw attention to myself,  and concerning the incident in question I agree,  I just didnt know what to do when Bomber began humping the Vicar’s leg,  and when I saw that dear Bomber was ejaculating on the Silk Damask coverlet I felt that perhaps I should create a distraction and hence dropped my drink to give the Vicar a chance to prevent Bomber from consumating his relationship with his leg.  It is indeed a bit unorthodox but frankly I have had no prior experience concerning the social p’s and q’s of a quite horny canine.  What is it about your house that makes all the males s0 randy?!  

Concerning our wedding plans and my parents financials,  we did discuss it with my parents and your son insisted that we really didn’t want to have anyone get in the way of the possibility of you not receiving full credit for the wonderful wedding, concerning the expense of the castle I thought you knew that the arrangements had been handled as a gift from one of the clients at the firm.  If it bothers you so we can make other arrangements.

Concerning patting myself on the back,  oh you are so right,  I am patting myself on the back,  but mostly because I am going to have such wonderful times with you as my mother in law.

Why your son and I are going to spend soo much time with you,  we will look to your every need throughout your life.  I can assure you that as you age we will be right by your side to help you pick out a suitable retirement home, why even your nurse and all the things that you will need as you become old and infirm.  If you do not feel like a retirement home,  why you can stay at home, just think!  We will be together so much!  I will help you get all the care you need you can count on me to take care of your medicine and medical care.  I will talk to your wonderful grandchildren about how you were such a great mother in law!

 

So in closing I just wanted to thank you for the letter and this great chance to grow closer!!

 

You Dearest (future) Daughter In Law

Heidi