Repression

Sometimes I make myself forget things.
This is going to sound crazy.
But, you know how the brain works – someone asks you a question and your brain automatically knows where to find the pertaining information and immediately retrieves it for you. Or you see something familiar and your brain throws out the memories associated with it without you even (consciously/purposefully) meaning to think about it. etc.
If I want to forget something, I avidly avoid the actual memory and connect those subjects or objects to a different memory. And eventually my brain goes to it instead, bypassing the correct memory.

For example, say I was trying to block memories of Andy (which I would never do, those memories are precious to me)…well, going to the Bier Garden reminds me of him because I took him there when we spent the day in Ashville last summer; instead of allowing myself to go to that memory when I think about the Bier Garden, I would just insert another memory – say, going there with Mer and Alicia just the other weekend. And if everytime I think of the Bier Garden I force that memory, I would eventually “forget” that Andy and I ever went there together because my thoughts would be so trained to automatically bypass that memory and find the other memory instead.

It sounds so ridiculous. But it’s what I do.
I suddenly “remembered” something yesterday that I’d “forgotten” for quite awhile as a result of this process.
It’s not important, and I don’t like it, so I’ll continue allowing this process to repress it.
Until one day I actually won’t be able to remember.