ED

I know I need to stop, but I think I need to keep going.

And I just sit here arguing with myself.

If you do this, you’re just going to get caught. It’s not worth it.
No one will notice, no one will know. Just do it. You need to.
I don’t NEED to. I just want to.
You need to. You’re fat.
Yea…I am a little fat. I guess I could stand to lose a few pounds.
See? I told you so. Just get down to 100. Then you’ll be thin, then you’ll be happy; you’ll be perfect.
100? I don’t think that’s healthy.
No, YOU aren’t healthy. You’re fat.
Maybe just 105. 100 is too far, I don’t need to be 100.
Yes you do. You want to be perfect don’t you?
More than anything.
Then 100 it is.
100. Perfection. Ok.

But you know…being back in the double digits, that would be truly be perfect. How about 90?
90? That’s too far. We agreed on 100. I’m stopping here, at 100.
Too far? You won’t go too far, there’s no such thing as too far.
Yes there is and I am NOT going there.
No. There’s not.
Well, I’m stopping here, this is enough.
Enough? This is far from enough, you’re still fat.
I’m not fat, I’m thin.
You said that last time too.
Yea, I guess I could stand to lose just a few more pounds…
Just get down to 90, then you’ll be thin, you’ll be happy; you’ll be perfect.
Fine. 90.

You know, you’re just not quite perfect yet…see her, over there? She’s thinner than you. You’re still fat. Don’t you want to be thinner than her?
I do want to be thinner than her.
Then 80.
80? I would be too thin. I’m already underweight.
Too thin? You can’t be too thin, there’s no such thing.
Yes there is.
No, there’s not. Besides, you’re still fat; you’re not even thin yet.
No…I’m not. I’m not thin, I’m not happy; I’m not perfect.
But at 80, you will be.
But…
Perfection. 80.
Okay, if this is what it takes…

Now you know, if you would just get down to 70…you’d be the thinnest of all. You’d be so happy. You’d be perfect.
70? I would be emaciated! I’m stopping here. This is it. No more.
You have to keep going. Until you are thin. The thinnest.
I can’t.
You have to.
I’ve had enough of this.
70. I said 70.
Damnit. Why?
Because as long as you’re losing, you’re winning.
…70 it is.

***

Where does it end? Really.