tiny

 feeling pretty tiny right now. I haven’t done much today, have been particularly anti-social. I had class this morning, and then I saw my psychologist in the afternoon. We talked about all my bad stuff around christmas. And my goals for therapy. And she gently called me on the fact that I come in and talk about the problems everyone in my family has, my friends, etc. And how I always just want to fix everyone else. Instead of focusing on myself. So my homework for this next two weeks is to be nice to myself atleast once a day. She reccomended positive mantras. Although I had a really hard time coming up with anything positive to say to myself. She suggested starting with "You are ok, today will be OK." 

I think even that will be hard. Right now I don’t really feel ok about anything in regards to myself. The odd thing is, its been a good week. I’ve had me time this week. I was able to go to yoga. I was able to go for a run. I’ve been able to have naps. I’ve done some reading. 

Just feeling lonely and broken I guess. Reclusive. Wish I had a boyfriend who understood me to cuddle with. I don’t want to talk. I just want to curl up and feel safe, and not alone. At the same time, I hate the idea of having to be vulnerable enough to let someone get to know me that well. Thats the part of me that really misses Tim. I did let him in enough to understand me a bit. So I was comfortable being this way around him. But, my experience with him also hurt me enough that I won’t let anyone get close enough to me to possibly become a boyfriend.

Atleast OD sort of fills that void a little bit. The comfort of familiarity, like this place already knows me inside and out. 
Last night I made all my old entries into "friends only". I also made chapters. They are "Before Joel", "The Time of Joel", "After Joel", and "2014 and Beyond".

I was a little proud of myself for not making a chapter about Tim. My time with him was dramatic, and emotional, and obviously, I’m still dealing with the results. But, I think giving him a whole chapter would have been giving him way to much credit. If I’m to move on, I cannot keep putting him on a pedestal.

anyway, yes, its good to be back. Writing in here again feels like a familiar, comforting hug. 

ciao