going girly *edit:pic!
I’ve had the urge to come write all day, but I was at school, surrounded by classmates most of the day.
this first week of school has been nice, in that I haven’t had much homework yet, and I’ve been able to avoid spending to much time with people. So tuesday I had all afternoon off to myself. I went to starbucks, worked a little bit. Went home, had a nap, and went to a yoga class.
Today I got up and went to the gym before class and ran on the track. I haven’t done any running since August, so I took it pretty easy. I did a lap of warmup, then jogged one lap. Walked half a lap, then ran 1.5 laps, and repeated a 5 times. Then I went on the rowing machine and did 1000 meters, which is about 5 minutes on a rowing machine. I’m a bit sore now, but it was worth it. Supposed to start running with a 4.0 next week, shes signed up to run a 5k in June. She and I went to the mall after school so she could buy some running shoes.
So yeah, I’ve actually had some me time this week. Tomorrow I’m done school at 12:30, and then I have to go downtown for my psych appt. I’m feeling pretty ok this week, but I do want to read to her about the things I wrote right after I got back from Christmas.
I’m also struggling with the idea of convenient friends this week. I don’t have a ton of patience for people, and most of the time I would rather not be around many people. I’m quite introverted.
I read an article earlier this week about surrounding yourself with good people. And I think I’m kind of feeling like I need to cultivate that more lately. I have some really great friends that respect me, accept me, and challenge me. 4.0 is happy to discuss philosophical things with me. RigPig challenges my career goals and economic and financial knowledge. Big Oil challenges my career goals and relationship views. Zen loves to discuss psychology and challenges my battle with depression and self esteem. Nicky challenges everything I do, but gently and encouragingly and in a way that makes me actually see the truth of myself sometimes.
Other people, Volatile, Vitriol, Agony, they don’t seem to challenge me at all. Volatile, when we hang it out it consists of us usually sitting her apartment, watching mindless, albeit funny, youtube videos, and complaining about the world and people (not productive). I’m getting tired of her constant complaining, and her lack of direction in life, but her complete lack of ambition to do anything about anything that is wrong in her life. And I don’t like the way she does straight up bash a lot of our colleagues behind their backs.
Vitriol, I think she’s been trying to challenge me for my whole life, but she doesn’t exactly do it in a way that works. Although, recently she did sort of compliment me, said she thinks I know enough about photography to teach high school photography. I think I take good enough pictures, but I don’t have quite good enough technical knowledge I think. I can operate the technical aspects and make them work for me, but I can’t quite explain how I do all of it.
Agony, I just haven’t really talked to lately. I’m hoping that this semester we can just keep our conversing to a minimum, school related. I don’t have any urge to be friends anymore.
So here’s the thing. Volatile has been a good friend, she’s hung out with me when I’m having depressed days and tried to cheer me up, she does listen to me complain about things, and overall shes a nice person. She’s very assertive if she thinks we are having issues with being friends. If I say something that bothers her she lets me know, respectfully. Or if she thinks I’m avoiding seeing her or talking to her for some reason she will call me on it. But, we never do anything productive. We waste our time on meaningless drivel, and being around her doesn’t inspire me the way other friends do. And, she does drive me a bit crazy, because she is super social like Vitriol. So she texts me about the most inane things, and replies to things that I don’t think need replies. For example, if she says something like "its a good thing I got some sleep, or I’d be miserable today." I will reply with "yah thats good" and every time she will reply back with "yeah lol"
… what was the point of that reply? I don’t like to waste words. I have developed a bit of an issue with some of my professors even, because I have learned to write as concisely as possible for school and work. Fortunately at this point in a degree they look more for quality than quantity. I can usually explain all the points I want to make in an assignment in 2-3 paragraphs. 2-3 paragraphs doesn’t really qualify as a "paper" per se. And it angers me to be told "make it longer" when I literally have nothing else to say. I end up going through and adding random meaningless bullshit, for no reason. I feel the same way about all written communication directed to other people.
Obviously in here i get pretty long winded, but this is me thinking on paper. This is usually just my stream of conciousness. If I were to hand this in as a paper, I would got through and cut out 85% of it. I don’t know. I don’t know if I feel like I’m an asshole for not wanting to spend time with Volatile because I’m tired of the complaining and lack of thoughtful discussion, or if I just feel like I’m doing what I need to do to keep myself inspired and productive and on the path to success in life.
Anyway, ’tis the witching hour and I have class at 9:30 am so I need to get some sleep now.
Ciao
*P.S.
The point of the title of this entry was to mention that I’ve been playing with makeup a lot lately, and show a picture of something I tried last weekend:
