Plateau

I know I’ve said this before, in previous diaries, but it’s taking a whole new level now. I’ve been, let’s say, ‘unsatisfied’ for so long now that I’m getting bored of fantasizing. I’ll start to concentrate on work and there it is, that niggling thought in the back of my mind saying "I want to be banged really hard for at least an hour straight". It’s fun for the first few hours of the day, but it’s 9.30 at night, I’ve had ENOUGH. 

I’m guaranteed not to get laid tonight. Not just because my boyfriend has no sex drive and doesn’t want to touch me anyway, but because he’s got a big race tomorrow. Sex would probably damage his muscles or burn too many carbs or something. It’s not part of the ‘schedule’. 

I could stop feeling this way if I was single. I could just get myself off every day and get completely carried away with it; satisfy myself through fantasy. The fact is that at the moment I feel guilty about doing that, because I’m not thinking about my bf when I do it. Why would I when he moves away when I try and touch him? He’ll reluctantly reciprocate a hug, but it’s the briefest squeeze before he changes the subject and gets on with something else. He very obviously doesn’t want me, he just wants my company. Both of us are useless at living alone, so this arrangement works in that respect. It doesn’t work for my sex drive, though. Actually, fuck my sex drive (pardon the pun), it doesn’t work for my emotional state. I’d give up sex for a month if I could just have one night of cuddles. 

I’ve been thinking about a friend of a friend a lot. I keep thinking about going out with him and my friends like he suggested. He lives nearby. I feel horrible about it. I’ve only met this guy twice, but the second time I felt that guilty ‘shit I like you and I really shouldn’t’ thing. He’s not really my type, so I’m telling myself that I only like him because of what my current relationship is lacking. His smile is awesome though, and he never stops smiling. He really lives life too, rather than staying inside and worrying about things. I miss being around people who are happy. My bf only really smiles at the TV, or the cat if she does something funny. I can’t make him smile anymore, or laugh.

I wish I could stop thinking about ending us.