Low Point

 I’ve reached rock bottom again. It’s uncomfortable here at the wrong edge of my overdraft, and the end of my wick. It’s stained with tears and self loathing. Littered with overdue bills from the council and receipts for food that someone else bought for me.

Money money money money money. Money makes me want to crawl under the bed and pretend nobody knows me. 

I’ve hated my life for what feels like a very, very long time. Actually it’s only 3 years, but it’s almost 3 years to the day that things went tits up for me. What is it about October/November? Oh yes, that’s it, SAD. The nights draw in and I get anxious, which just fucks everything up.

I went to the doctor this morning and he agreed to up my dosage to 20mg. As usual I played down what’s wrong with me, but I got the right result anyway. He seems nice, and I’m so glad they aren’t trying to get me to come off the tablets. He seemed fine with me taking them until college finishes. 

What I’d really love is a new start with my job, to get some new clients and try to break out of getting paid peanuts. The trouble is, I haven’t got the confidence to orchestrate that kind of change, let alone the website know-how. I hate how uncertain my work is and how one move can make such a difference. That’s why I want to change career completely, into something that has a thousand rules and regulations, codes of practice and legislation to ensure that nothing ever goes wrong. If you play by the rules then you are doing well – you get paid. Never mind the long hours spent doing something you adore, helping people create life and perform the most natural and awe inspiring act a human being can perform.

Never mind all that – at the moment I just want some security.