Choices

I once again am going to write this entry. I mean this kind of entry in which I describe making choices and the difficulty thereof. I have recently purchased a subscription for unlimited going to the movies in all arthouses in Amsterdam. However, this weekend I didn’t go to see any one of them. This is not because there isn’t playing anything. Amongst others the Oscar (r) winning movie The Artist is something I am definitely going to see. Why not this weekend? There were other thing I had to do and other things I had as an option. One problem is that on Friday I went to bed too late. Well, late. I had draughts and stayed long. I didn’t have any drinks, but when I got home I was hungry and ate and watched TV. This leads to Saturday beginning later which leads to problems with eating enough. When I get out of a normal structure I tend to forget eating. Or I do think about it, but just can’t. Then I had to go grocery shopping. Then there was no time to go to a movie before dinner. Going after dinner would have been an option. But I don’t like going to the movies on a Saturday evening, being single and alone.

Today I bought new shirts and new shoes. That’s a big plus. I can be proud of myself. After dinner I went out the door to go to a movie. Which when wasn’t certain yet and I was going t o try out a movie theatre I hadn’t been to in a long time. It was raining. I walked a good part of the distance to the tram stop, which is about a 15 minutes walk. Then I thought about going back home. I was balancing on the point of going further or going back. A maddening equilibrium. Thinking in the rain. In the end I went back, defeated. Not going to the movies for the entire weekend. I wanted to go, I had to to go, and is was free to go. But I didn’t.

I was back home in time to watch Life during wartime by Todd Solondz on Film1. Something for which I also pay extra. This wasn’t planned, but it worked out fine. It is a nice black comedy and a kind of sequel to Happiness. People struggle with relationships, death, misery, growing up. People want to be normal and live structured lives. Love and be loved.

I would like to go to a movie with a girl. Talk about it.

People pretend that everything is all right.

It is not.