Right here, right now.

Day off today for ANZAC day, I’ve never really thought about going to dawn service but I kind of wanted to today for some reason, I think I might make an effort next year to do it.

Not too much has been going on.  I went for.. Well I guess it was kind of a date, I really just saw it as lunch last weekend with this guy that I didn’t really know.  I’d only met him once in town when I was drunk very briefly.  It wasn’t a fail but I wasn’t interested.  He seemed nice, we talked the whole time but it was so forced.  I felt uncomfortable and I just wanted to leave.  Plus he’s a little shy which I don’t really deal with well, me not really being like that.  I haven’t heard from him since Saturday and I don’t even know him but I know that he’s waiting for me to contact him, which is fine with me because I don’t really plan to so it makes life easy haha.

I felt so uncomfortable when I left, I felt like I shouldn’t have been there in the first place.  Hard to describe, but I guess I put it down to either lack of chemistry or my lack of actually feeling ready to be doing something like that.  I really enjoy being single, and I don’t think I’m ready to change that.  I know when I find someone who is right it won’t feel so forced.

Just randomly here, do you guys know that song "the cat came back"?  I’m listening to Theory of a Deadman and they wrote a version of that called "the bitch came back".  It cracks me up every time it comes on.  I love his voice, it’s so sexy.  Plus his lyrics are a mixture of bitching about relationships, and just funny shit, seriously listen to I Hate My Life, I love it on a crap day, it just makes me giggle.

Haven’t talked to douche, don’t plan to.  Moving on.

Everyone’s stirring my lately because I’m usually such a "boy".  I’ve bought all these pretty dresses online and been wearing them to work to make myself feel good basically since douche is always there spoiling my day.  So I’m getting "whoa.. you look like a girl today!"  Lol, wtf.  I wear makeup everyday and always straighten my hair, I have pretty long nails, I’m faked tanned most of the time, always wearing jewelery etc but I always wear jeans and boots to work I guess.  Mixture of my personality along with the jeans maybe?  Lol I don’t care, I’ll always be first to tell you I’m one of the boys.  I’m certainly not a high maintenance girl.  It’s too hard to be with the amount I sweat morning and then again at night at the gym haha.

Speak of gym, still drama.  I don’t know what to do about it.  Our "gym" mum Fran went off on Michelle on Monday and now her Megs and Mon aren’t talking to Fran.  Fran’s tried to drag me in the middle but I’m avoiding the whole thing.  The problem is Mon.  She’s causing trouble and we think it’s just for Michelle’s attention.  She’s closest to me but she won’t talk to me.  She said she opened up to Michelle but Michelle said that she wasn’t open, she gives no details, none of us really know anything about her and I spend an awful lot of time with her.  She "cut" the other day.  I put it in " " because Megs said she didn’t even draw blood and as soon as she did she ran to Michelle and told her she did it.  She’s been wearing a huge sweat band over it this week.  I know this sounds horrible but being on this site, you know a lot about these sort of things.  I know people who are serious about cutting don’t run and tell someone they’ve done it, they do it for the blood, which she didn’t draw.  They do it inside their thighs and under their arms, where people can’t see.  They run down their veins on the arm, not across the wrist. 

The night before this happened, Michelle asked her if she was suicidal, and we think maybe she just put the idea in her head for more attention.  I don’t doubt that maybe she’s depressed, but I know a lot of this is just for Michelle’s benefit.  I’ve fought and fought to get her to open up, she won’t, I’ve even been open with her in attempt for her to feel more comfortable, but it’s not me she wants attention from.

We’re actually going to look at a townhouse to move in to, but I don’t want to if she’s going to be like this, I need to know what’s going on first.  Do you think that’s fair?  I just argh, in reality she doesn’t bother me with her drama, she acts fine around me, I know she’d stay out of my way if we did move in together, she likes to be by herself most of the time.  I mean maybe it would be good for her?  I wanna talk to her but what can I say?  I think you’re being really unstable and I’m worried you’re going to fuck me over?!  I don’t know.

She went for a run with B this morning and didn’t invite me or Em, she then stayed away from us at the gym, Em came and did a class with me and I posted on her wall on FB and then as soon as Mon saw that she posted as well telling Em that she loved her, am I being paranoid?!  She ignored us but then when I showed Em attention she seems to have got jealous?!  ARGH this is so high school bs drama!

I’ve had the same headache for days now, it’s no fun!