Entry

I’ve had the quietest weekend ever.  I used to feel like a loser for not going out with friends and getting drunk blah blah fucking blah.  Sif I care.  I’d rather sleep at this point in my life.

Actually my antisocialness has seemed to peaked this weekend.  Jade asked me to go to the movies with her Saturday night on Thursday and I accepted and suggested we go to Hogs Breath first for tea, It’s my fav place and I only ever really go with her.  Friday night I stayed at home and got to bed pretty early.  Saturday I got up and went and did my two hours of gym, body attack and body combat, no Jade, she must’ve been hungover from the night before.  I text her a few hours later to ask if we were still on for tonight.  She said yes, and three of her friends were coming and keen for a completely different movie than we’d planned to see.  Honestly I didn’t want to hang out with her friends, they’re all so clique-y and I feel left out, and Jade’s other bestie pretty much just ignores that I’m even there most of the time.  I just wanted to spend time with Jade.  I text her back and said I’d give it a miss, she wrote back offering to go just us but I said  it’s okay, we can go another time and that’s all I heard from her.

I feel like a bitch for being that person, but honestly I just couldn’t be bothered.  I was kinda upset, but it was my fault, I could’ve gone and I probably would have had a good time, but that’s just my mood with people at the moment, I’d rather be by myself.  So I was, I went out to get tea with mum and dad, went for a drive with them, came home and watched How I Met Your Mother all night.  Mark text me to go out and see him but I honestly just wanted to go to bed. 

Plus Mark is kinda giving me a "vibe" lately.  A "i’m-into-you-more-than-friends" vibe.  But I’m not sure, I’d feel like a dick if I’m wrong, but you girls would agree with me that you just know these things, you can sense them.  It disturbs me a little cause we are close friends and I’m a little scared about it.  Last time I stayed at his place I woke up and he had his arm around me, I’m sure it was just because he was drunk or lonely or whatevs but yeah, feelin wierd bout it.  So I’m fully taking the mature way out of this and avoiding him haha.  Not that it seems to be working, he’s been texting and facebooking me so much lately.

Bren text me a couple of days ago.  I knew he would, that’s who he is.  Wait a week and a bit, til surely I would be over it by then and starting to miss him and hopefully it’ll be fine.

"How are you"

Seriously I hate him so much, he knows me so well.  Because honestly I do miss him like all hell.  I was on a call with a customer when I got the msg, he’d just walked past me, going out to smoke.  I stopped talking mid sentence to my customer, hopefully I won’t get call coached on it.  I didn’t reply for like 3 hours, because I didn’t know what to say.  Most of me was screaming at me to tell him to fuck off.  But then there was that small part of me saying, if you do that, you’ll not hear from him ever again.

"Fine thanks. U"

Still "i’m pissed" but not "fuck off and die"  Although that IS what he deserves.

"Not too bad. Do you not want to know me?

This one stumped me more than the last msg.  I couldn’t answer,  I honestly couldn’t.  I know I can’t talk to him anymore.  I KNOW that.  I can’t say it out loud though.  I just want to ignore the fact that he has a girlfriend, the fact that he would only talk to me between business hours, never see me outside of work, keep his son away from me, continue to fuck with my head and just run back to him, say to hell with it, at least it’s something.  I can’t of coarse.  I can’t put myself through that shit.  I’m more than that.  He clearly could not give two shits about me after how he’s treated me.  Fuck it hurts though.

"I don’t know how to answer that."

No reply.  No huge suprise there.  He’ll probs wait another week, give it one more try and then if he gets no where he’ll leave me alone for good then.  I wish we didn’t work together, I wish he didn’t smoke or at least would fucking walk around the outside of the building instead of purposely walk past me 3 times a day.  I don’t look up, but I know he’s there, god he’s been the closest person to me for the last 4 years of my life, of coarse I’ll sense him in the room.

I know it’ll be fine in the end.  I’m fine now I guess, I just wish I didn’t have to see him.  The fact that I can’t talk to him been thrown in my face everyday.

Ugh.  Men!!!