Men! ***

Oh my god.  I seriously do not get you men.  Women get bagged for head games but damn.

Bren and I decided it wasn’t going to work.  Actually he said it, I just went along with it.  After a weekend of me going through things (entry back one btw for favs) and being upset and he was out getting drunk with his other girlfriend and pretty much wanted nothing more to do with me.  On the monday he said he wanted to come over to talk via email, I told him to just tell me now.  He said he loves me so much but blah blah fucking blah and I don’t expect you to talk to me and blah blah bullshit crap.  I played it down, said yeah I know, it’s not working and it hasn’t been in a long time and I’ve known that for ages now.

Not a lie.  He did change once he got what he wanted.  I didn’t feel special like I did when we weren’t together, actually I didn’t feel like I was anything to him.  I’m going through a hell of a lot at the moment and he didn’t even want to know if I was doing okay, he didn’t ask "how are you" or anything, mainly I guess because he didn’t want to know.  I guess he was in it for the thrill of it.

Anyway, he expected me to rage at him, but I didn’t.  I just said yeah I know, it’s cool, it’s not a surprise.  He got cut that I wasn’t cut I think.  In reality I was heartbroken and it took me about 20 mins of my trying really hard not to cry at work.  In the end I knew it was for the best, because he wasn’t the same, and he treated me like shit, I was upset all the time, AGAIN.

So yeah, it hurts but I’ll be okay.  I’m lonely, I’m not dealing with that very well, overall though, I’m okay.

Now he’s decided he’s going to talk to me because I’m not going to.

He didn’t talk to me for a couple of days, apart from a couple of texts, which I stopped replying abruptly just to make a point, it’s what he does to me when she’s around.  Emails too, I’ll just stop replying if he doesn’t directly ask me a question, I’m not making effort, fuck him.  I don’t make first contact either.

He text me yesterday morning, he never texts me on weekends because she’s always there.  It pissed me off.  I replied once, he replied and I ignored it.  He didn’t directly ask me a question so I had no reason to reply, I wanted to, but I’m not making effort to keep talking to him, he’s not good for me.

So he texts me again last night asking why I’m so quiet.  I tell him I’m not?  Because I’m not, I’m replying, just not making effort.  Text back and forth 3 or 4 times, and I once again leave the conversation.  I go out for a quiz night with work friends and when I get home he’s written on my wall on facebook.

He never writes on my wall because people can see, and he always deletes it off his profile so his other girlfriend can’t see.  He thinks I don’t know that but I’m not dumb, I know how he works, and I’d be dumb to think it’s not the other way around too, so I can’t see what he types to her.  He didn’t delete this though, and still hasn’t.

Then at 10 this morning he calls me.  What the hell?  I don’t pick up.  I wait 20 mins and text him asking if everything is okay and he texts back yes, just haven’t heard your voice for ages.  I’ve been replying to his texts today, but I’ve been waiting 30-45 mins each time before I reply, usually I write straight back, he knows that.  I’m not replying again tonight, I don’t want to get too close to him.

What is with people seriously!?  They only want what they can’t have!!!!!  It’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard, because I didn’t feel that way about him, hell yes I loved that we were sly and sneaky and shared secrets and everyone hated us for being so close and the excitement of it all.  But I also loved him past all that shit, I still wanted to be with him once that’d all died down, he didn’t.  But now?  Because I’m not talking to him properly, now he wants me?  Piss off!!!!

I think maybe I need to tell him to leave me alone for a while, because I’m really scared of getting hurt again, which will happen when he gets back with his other girlfriend, which actually can’t be that far off.  I always told him I didn’t want anything to do with him if he did get back with her, and I meant it.  He’s no good for me, as I said, it’s a lot easier to get over him when he’s not fucking with him head with this dumb shit attempt at getting back in with me.  What the hell do you want from me?

I hurt a lot less when I don’t expect him to contact me, I can look at my blank phone and at least be confident that I’m doing the right thing.  Now my head’s being messed with again, and I check my phone to see if he’s broken and double text me yet. 

Grr.  I know what you’ll all say to me, cut it off.  I know I need to, I just want to scream at him what the HELL do you want from me, problem is I know him, he’d play dumb and be like "what?!  Nothing!  I just want to talk to you." 

Head games, I was done with this when I was like 19 years old. 

*** haha oops I was too busy in my rant to write the most interesting part.  I slept with Jase again =o.  We had a work dinner last Friday night and I had to pick up a couple of guys that live across from Bren’s place and his other girlfriend was there with him, so I went and made myself feel better.  I knew he was into it from the start of the night when he came and sat next to me to flirt with me subtly.  We don’t talk too much at work, so he was pretty see through.  He asked me to drop him home.  Even though it’s 20 mins in the other direction of my house, I took him and 2 others back to Blackas, he was supposed to be staying with Jack, he made up some bs that he had to go home instead of staying and I’d just drop him off home.  It was pretty smooth.  He put on a movie, put a blanket over us and layed behind me, spooning my, his hand around mine.  I enjoyed the affection actually, wierd considering he was just some fun, blame the loneliness I guess!  We probably lasted about 20 mins before he grabbed my head and started kissing me.  I don’t like how he kisses me, he lips are too like.. I don’t know, I wish he didn’t though lol.  He didn’t last very long, but damn he is big.  I haven’t had someone big in a long time, so it was nice.  He went down on me again for ages, he must know that he doesn’t last very long so tries to make up for it??  Very good with his hands though.  Anywho we finished, got dressed and he walked me out, we kissed and I left.  Random!  

I now know he has a gf.  It’s none of my business.  It’s not that kinda thing, I’m not emotionally attached to him, so he can do as he likes, if he wants to screw around his gf that’s his problem, I certainly prefer it this way.  Things are still fine with us at work, I sit across from him everyday and it’s not wierd so meh!