Catch up

It’s been a long time since I’ve written a proper entry.

I’ve had this week off for easter.  I went up North and rented a house with my mum, dad, brother and his girlfriend and Brendon came up for a night too.  It was really relaxing not to have to stress about anything.  I actually sat and read a whole book in two days.  It was also good to spend some time with Bren without dealing with all the other bs.  I don’t have any phone reception up there so I hadn’t been on facebook or anything.  When Bren came up he told us that someone had died that worked at Vodafone, a car accident but he wasn’t sure who.  There’s over 700 people in my call centre so I didn’t think too much about it.  Bren and I went to bed at half ten but didn’t go to sleep until close to 4.  We had sex twice and talked about everything.  I put it all out there and so did he.  He said he knows I’m close to cutting off all ties and I told him yes I was.  We have this way of removing ourselves from the situations so we can talk about things properly.  In the end we just stopped talking about it.

The next day we drove home, it was so sunny and beautiful.  It’s a 3-4 hour drive home and I had so much fun mucking around with Bren and just talking and carrying on.  Things always seem very easy when we’re together.

When I got home I logged onto facebook and wall posts were coming up in my news feed saying "RIP" I clicked on them and a girl on my team had been the one that was killed.  Fiona.  Not someone who I don’t even know her name, but someone who I sit with and talk to everyday.  Someone who was the sweetest, kind, thoughtful girl.  She was only 19.  It was her 20th this Friday coming.  I instantly felt sick and msged some people on my team.  Yeah, she was dead.  They’re not sure what happened but her car veered off the road and she hit a tree, fell into a coma and died a few hours later in hospital.  The 17 year old in the passenger seat didn’t have a scratch.

Now I know she drove a Skyline and there’s been rumours going around that she’d been drinking and I know she did speed in her car.  But she didn’t deserve to die for that.  The funeral was on Friday.  I bawled the whole way through it.  So did the hundreds and hundreds of family members and friends that came to say goodbye.  I went outside to find my team to see them for the first time that week, had taken leave I felt so isolated at home.  The 25 odd of them were all huddled together in a big group.  I felt so much better for seeing them.  I think everyone went around and hugged everyone, as soon as anyone touched me I started crying again.

I can still see her face, her smile, I can still hear her voice, her giggle.  I’m still in disbelief how someone can be there and suddenly just be gone forever.  RIP Fiona Claire Bolton.  May angels lead you in.

After the funeral our team went to the pub and Vodafone put a tab over the bar and paid for all of our drinks.  We all ended up drunk.  I got sick towards the end of the night as I didn’t realise that I’d only eaten breakfast and we’d done so many shots "for Fifi".  Bren was driving me so it didn’t matter so much.  I’ve just felt awful ever since.

I don’t want to go back to work tomorrow, I don’t want to see her empty desk, her headset, her name on the wall where they put our targets.  I don’t want to take any callbacks that she’s taken last week or see my emails from her.  I’m only thankful that I’m with everyone from work.  I love them all so much.

I honestly don’t know what the deal with Bren is.  He told me he needs to make the leap with me this week.  He knows I’m about to walk and he knows he can’t do this for much longer.  I’ve heard this before though.  Well, he’s said he’s needed to fix it before, yesterday he said he wanted to make the leap with me and that’s the first time he’s ever said anything like that.

My whole team now thinks we’re together because of the funeral and at the pub.  I’ve set most of them straight but how do you explain that?  I have no idea.

I need to go to bed, I get up at 5.20 to go to the gym so I need my beauty sleep.

Night all, promise to get my act together here and write more x