So what happened

So I was at the movies with Jade when I get a msg from Geard saying "we need to talk"

He’d gotten into my OD and saw my whinging about Bren.  My phone went flat and by the time I got home he’d packed up all his stuff and left.  Leaving a nasty note about what a slut I was pretty much and that he hated me.

I was so upset.  Not because I’d lost him, but because I’d hurt him so bad.. Even though I knew we needed to break up, I still care about him.  I bawled my eyes out to my friends on facebook and bren on the phone and went to bed after I’d exhausted myself.  Geard had sent me a couple of hate text but I ignored them.  He only wanted me to reply so he could hate on me some more.

I knew even though it had happened the wrong way, at least it had actually happened.

I actually felt okay when I woke this morning.  Suprising since I only slept like 4 hours of restless sleep.  Even though I felt like a shit person for what I’d done to him, I also felt like a weight had lifted off my and I felt so free.

I had an okay day at work with my friends.  Told them all that i was becoming a lesbian cause I was done with penis’.  They were all really good with me 🙂  So loving that job.

I got two abusive texts from him and I still hadn’t replied.  I had a beer with Bren after work and on the way home I got a msg saying that he was sorry that he was so mean and we needed to talk.  I didn’t reply to that either, not really knowing what to think.  The situation was shit but I didn’t really want to get back into it.

He turned up at my house like half hour after I did.  he told me he’d come before as well and talked to my parents. 

If I felt bad before it was nothing to what I was about to feel.

At first he was very very angry.  He asked a lot of questions about Bren and I answered him honestly.  I didn’t have anything to hide at that point.

Then he got very VERY upset and said he didn’t want to lose me,

We talked a bit about our relationship and I told him over and over that I couldn’t be with him.  That it wasn’t working for me, in my head.

He begged and begged for me to just STAY with him, to work it out and be apart and come back when I was okay.

I told him no.  He didn’t understand.  I feel TRAPPED with him.  It wasn’t about anyone else.  I just wanted time to myself.

I feel as though he’s convinced himself once I’ve had time that we’ll be all good.

Feel like such a shit person for hurting him like I have.  He doesn’t deserve that.