Crap City.

So last monday Geard and I had a fight.  I hung with Bren for an hour after work.  I told Geard I was doing it and I did it on a monday because Geard has fire training which means he wouldnt be home until like half past 9. 

Because he knew that I was out he came home early to hound me to come home.  He asked me to come home so I left within ten minutes.  I still got yelled at when I got home though.  I told him that I’d had enough.  We went to bed and I balled myself to sleep. 

He was okay the next morning until I told him Julie had invited me to go out with her for tea for her birthday.  He lost his shit completely at me and left for work.  That was it for me.  That was the straw that broke the camels back.

I got a sorry msg that night.  I didn’t reply.

I’ve not seen him since Tuesday morning.  To be honest I don’t really want to. 

I need to sort this out.  I know it’s really upsetting him.  It upsets me that I’m being such a bitch to him.

I’m in two minds.  I want to end it, I can’t stand being yelled at all the time, I can’t stand him being shitty grumpy and sarcastic all the time. 

But I talk to him about ending it and he gets so upset and then I feel bad and start thinking about us and then I feel terrible and I don’t want to end it.  We did have something good, just somewhere along the way we seemed to have lost it.

He’s been hassling me about it.  I grinded (grinded? ground? I dunno?) my teeth all night last night obviously from stress and woke up with a terrible migrane this morning.  Everything hurt and I felt so sick and my head, ugh.  I asked him to leave me alone today please.

He did up until about 5 and he’s been hassling me ever since.  I’ve begged him to PLEASE just stop talking to me for today that I couldn’t handle it that I was about to really lose my shit and just end everything with us.  But he didn’t.  I literally had to swear at him to get him to back off.  I’m just so stressed out, I’ve lost my shit completely today.

My head is killing me.  I had such a stressful day.  I almost lost my shit with a girl on support who was only trying to help me today. 

I know I need to end it, I just don’t know how to do it.

It hurts, he has been amazing with me.  I have to keep reminding myself that it’s not the same anymore.  But then I think maybe it’d get better.

Argh.

I dunno.  All I do know is that I need to see him and sort this, because he’s so upset and he’s trying to hold it together.

He keeps telling how I’m the only thing he has in his life apart from ella.  How much he loves me, how much I mean to him.  How he’d have nothing left without him.  I feel so bad.

Blahhhhhhhh.