Miserable

Well tonight my title says it all.  I couldn’t be much worse.

My best friend needs me and there’s nothing i can do.  She’s literally fighting for her will to live and i’m stuck down here wondering if she’s still alive.  There’s nothing i can say.. It doesn’t make a difference to her.  She knows i love her.  But ultimately.. I make no difference.  I can’t even begin to understand what she’s going through, i’ve been miserable and hopeless all week over something tiny.. I can NOT imagine what she is dealing with.. What i’m feeling times 10.. I can’t even imagine trying to deal with that.  I just don’t know what to say to her.  I just wish i could be with her.  A presence is so much more than words on a screen.  Not to talk to her.. But to sit with her, sleep with her, cry with her.. I don’t want to nag her..  To tell her it’s okay when it’s clearly not.. I just want to be there with her when she’s going through this.

Tonight i am lonely.  Beyond lonely.  And i just feel a helplessness within me that i can’t talk myself out of tonight.  My soul longs for Paul and i keep telling myself to have faith that i will come out of this for the better but tonight my heart is speaking louder than my head.

I can’t have him in the way i want him.. I know that and I really am trying my hardest to accept it.  Right now though.. I miss him.  Not in the way that you miss having a boyfriend.. But i miss HIS touch, HIS smell and the softness in which he talks to me.. That softness is gone from his voice now.  I spent Thursday night with him and it was so different.  It hurt.. A lot to see the effort he was going to, to ensure that he only meant everything in a "friends" way.

He doesn’t talk to me like a friend though.. I mean he does.. But it’s awkward.. It feels like he’s conscious of every word he says, like he’s thinking every second.  It puts me on edge.  The fact that he isn’t relaxed, that he wont say what immediately comes to mind.

I saw him thrusday night to watch Prison Break and Nip/Tuck.  Afterwards we ended up playing around and making out.. Which lead to his bedroom or more specifically his bed.  I thought it’d affect me more.. To kiss him again and have him around me so close again, but to be honest, it didn’t affect me at all.  It didn’t make me happy or sad.. It just happened.  Although we went to the kitchen to get a drink, and we sort’ve mentioned that this was wrong etc and he said something like he wouldnt want me to get the wrong idea and stuff and he didn’t want me to be hurt out of it and i was like nah it’s okay and stuff and then he said something that’s stuck with me.

It was only casual but he just sorta laughed and goes "it’s just sex, yeah" i dunno what it was about it.. I guess the carelessness and in that moment i truely saw how little feelings he had for me.. I can see every second of that moment so clear, it haunts me.  Because i can still recall the way i felt.. Like someone had suddenly hallowed out my whole body, or tried to push everything down into my feet or something.

I need to stop talking about this.  I know everyone is fed up.  I just don’t know how to deal with missing him so bad.. I always fix my problems asap if i have any.. I hate feeling the terror i have inside me right now.

That’s what it is.. Terror.  Terror for Jackie and terror for myself.

Terror.