stay awake through summer like we own the heat

This is an email I wrote to my friend Laura about Manny.  Rather than rewrite it all, I’m just posting the letter, along with some things I’m not telling Laura.
 

THE LETTER


So Manny and your brother (David) are going to lunch today and I have no words for how grateful I am that David is doing that, and taking time to get to know him.  Last night Manny and I had an amazing, incredibly intense and late talk about Christ and faith and church.  He told me how he accepted Christ and his faith story.  He is in Christ truly, but he has been greatly influenced by the veneers in the Catholic Church – Since he didn’t go through their process, he’s still excluded from the things he longs for so desperately, like communion and confession.   

On an amazing providential note, Pastor’s sermon Sunday morning was from Galatians, where Paul defends Titus’ decision to stay uncircumcised and how this is paramount to salvation through faith by grace not works.  Where the Jewish Christians in Jerusalem talked with Paul about the non-Jewish Christians.  That the Jewish Christians grew up in the faith and the church but the Gentiles did not and therefore their culture and customs and ‘heart-knowledge’ was completely different.  Manny has talked many times how he didn’t grow up in the Church and feels like he doesn’t know the things you’re ‘supposed to know’.  So it was an awesome message for him to hear.) 
But Manny doesn’t have a Paul or a Titus.  He didn’t know who to ask.  He’s read parts of the Old Testament and he loves it and longs to understand it more, but he doesn’t know how to figure it out.  He’s been doing it without any discipleship or mentoring and he doesn’t know who to ask because the Catholic Church is shunning him.  He said sitting in church yesterday was one of the most amazing things.  That he felt like he truly belonged, that he was part of something that he never felt in the Catholic churches of his godmother and childhood.  When he’s at those churches, he always felt like he was an outsider and like he didn’t belong.  But at Blythefield, both during the services and afterwards he felt like he belonged, that there was a lightness in his chest.  And he’s even more adamant about us finding a church home when I’m back in New York. 

He also absolutely made me cry, and as I sit here at work, I’m tearing up again.  He told me that when we broke up in college, there was so much he didn’t understand and that’s when he went searching for answers.  He said I seemed to know and he wanted to ask, but we were in such a bad place back then he didn’t know how.  It absolutely broke my heart listening to him because I had been trying so hard not to force my faith down his throat, it seemed I did the exact opposite.  I shut him out and he couldn’t ask those questions.  In Savannah, he started going to church and reading his Bible and just searching for the answers, some of which he began to find but he didn’t have someone to ask questions to – and he so wished he could have asked me.  He said one of the things that he loves in me is that I have this beauty and kindness and love and amazingness and he knew it was Christ and he desperately wanted it too. 

You and I have talked about how I want my husband to love the Christ in me, but I also wanted to be loved for me.  And balancing that is so difficult.  But to hear him say that he could see the Christ in me and to hear him say how in love with Christ he has become was so amazing.  Talk about being swept off my feet!  He told me that he wants to be a good man for me, but more than that he wants to be a Christian man for me.  He wants to be able to know Christ and share Christ and be worthy of marrying me, but he knows he’s not there yet.


There’s more I want to share with you and pray with you about and ask your advice about and so much, but I wanted to share this little piece with you.  Because its awesome and amazing.

After all that intense talk, we had an intense talk about sex – the first of many I’m sure.  Our relationship is really very unorthodox.  We dated in high school and college and went through a lot of stuff, both together and individually during that time.  So we didn’t just meet and need to do the basic getting to know you stuff.  However, the physical stuff is new and there is plenty of other "new stuff" that we’re trying to work out.
 
I’m just not used to it still, although having him here helps.  I’ve had such screwed up relationships in the past and this one is so much better, I feel incredibly out of my depth.  I told Manny it felt like I was walking upside down under water but not drowning.  Its not a bad thing or scary or uncomfortable – its just a whole new state of living.  I went through this on a level when we first got together in Portland and the following weeks after.  But now he’s here and doing boyfriend-like things and meeting family and friends and I’m just not used to it.  I’m so used to being independent and self-reliant and all of a sudden, he’s there proving to me that I can rely on him; that he’s there for me and not leaving and not scared and dependable and reliable.  And while there’s no fear, its a lot of pressure for both of us. I’m definitely feeling it and I know he is too.
 
So on top of it, we’re adding physical pressure?!  Because while the physical side of our relationship is new, we jumped pretty deep right off the bat.  And I told him that this wasn’t how I thought things would be.  That I did always want to wait until marriage.  I’m not blaming him or holding him responsible for my decisions on that front, but I don’t know what to do.  I don’t know how to go back and I don’t want to be a tease to him and lead him to the edge only to leave him hanging.  I don’t know what I expected from him, but his response was amazing.  Before I even got the words out, he said that he wants to honor me and respect me and that we should table having sex until at least the end of the summer, but for sure until we’re both ready.  I burst into tears at that.  He loves me that much, and he so desires to honor and respect me that he would give that up for me until we’re both ready… even if that isn’t until our wedding day…  I’ve never experienced that kind of sacrificial, unconditional human love before.  I’m truly watching this man become the Bridegroom I never knew I wanted so badly before my eyes.  And what I’m finding so amazing on top of it, is that I’m not spoon-feeding him the answers.  Yes, we’re still both asking questions and giving answers and helping each other along, but its not everything.  He’s desiring to be Christ to me in such amazing ways that I never thought possible.
 
After all that, with the pressure of having sex being lifted, we just made out  like teenagers for a while.  It was themost amazing thing.  I didn’t try to tempt him or trip him up, but it was so amazing to know that he would stop when it was start to go too far and he also wouldn’t be upset if I stopped.  As we were making out, a song lyric from our favorite band floated through my head.   …I’m gonna stay eighteen forever…  I didn’t even have to say the second part of that line; he knew and just kissed me.

 
Passed out on the overpass 
Sunday best and broken glass 
Broken down from the bikes and bars 
Suspended like spirits over speeding cars 
You and me were kings over the parkway tonight 
And tonight will go on forever while we 
walk around this town like we own the streets 
and stay awake through summer like we own the heat 
Singing "everybody wake up (wake up) it’s time to get down" 
(everybody, everybody wake up its time to get down) 
And when I pass the bottle back to Pete 
on the overpass tonight, I bet we laugh 


I’m gonna stay eighteen forever 
So we can stay like this forever 
And we’ll never miss a party
cause we keep them going constantly
And we’ll never have to listen
to anyone about anything 
cause it’s all been done and it’s all been said 
we’re the coolest kids and we take what we can get


The hell out of this town 
Find some conversation 
The low fuel lights been on for days 
It doesn’t mean anything 
I’ve got another 500, ‘nother 500 miles 
before we shut this engine down, 
we shut it down 


I’m gonna stay eighteen forever 
So we can stay like this forever 
And we’ll never miss a party
cause we keep them going constantly
And we’ll never have to listen
to anyone about anything 
cause it’s all been done and it’s all been said 
we’re the coolest kids and we take what we can get
 
Eighteen forever/(you’re just jealous cause I’m young and in love)
So we can stay like this forever / (your stomach’s filled up but you’re starved for conversation) 
And we’ll never miss a party / (you’re spending all your nights growing old in your bed) 
cause we keep them going constantly / (and your tearin up your photos cause you wanna forget… it’s over) 
And we’ll never have to listen / (you’re just jealous cause I’m young and in love) 
to anyone about anything cause it’s all been done / (your stomach’s filled up but you’re starved for conversation) 
and it’s all been said / (you’re spending all your nights growing old in your bed) 
we’re the coolest kids and we take what we can get / (and your tearin up your photos cause you wanna forget… it’s over) 


Just jealous cause we’re young and in love 
You’re just jealous cause we’re young and in love 
You’re just jealous cause we’re young and in love 
You’re just jealous cause we’re young and in love 
You’re just jealous cause we’re young and in love 
You’re just jealous… [turntable scratch]


Soca Amaretto Lim ~ Brand New