Manny Story

 The problem with updating my diary at work is that I never really get around to updating life events as properly as I’d like.  For example, the situation with Manny.  I alluded to what happened between us a few entries ago, but never got into it.  And its progressed rapidly which makes the current landscape seem like a crazy place.

I’m moving back to New York.  In August or September.  Details still to be worked out, but its happening for sure in the next five months or so.  DeDra had offered me their basement and a position as nanny/babysitter for their son.  At first, I laughed it off much like last year.  But then I started thinking about it and talking to her about it.  And all of a sudden I’m trying to figure out how to tell people.  As of right now, precious few people know.  Even my own parents don’t know yet.  My mom and I are not in a good place and I don’t know how she’ll take it right now.  It also means that I didn’t talk with her about this decision during the process and now its happening.  So that’s one hurdle.  But right now, only Manny and Megan know the extent of this process.  There are other people who are aware of some of it, but not all of it.  Most people don’t even know its coming.  As I said to Manny last night, I don’t want people to find out by word of mouth.  I want to tell people in person so they can understand I’m not abandoning them.

Speaking of Manny…  That tale starts back in February with my trip home, and actually before that trip too.  Manny and I have been getting along very well recently, just as friends, but really well.  For the trip home, I had decided it would be easier to spend Thursday night in Brooklyn so that I could see more people.  Dinner in Manhattan with Manny, then drinks with the BK gang afterwards.  I left it up to Manny to wrangle them and pick a place that worked.  Initially the plan was that I would leave Friday morning with Manny when he left for work and continue back home and then onwards to Michigan.  Then Manny offered to switch his Friday shift and work in the afternoon so we wouldn’t have to get up terribly early and could relax instead of rushing around in the morning.  At first I wasn’t sure because I was hoping to get to OH by Friday evening.  Then I decided it wouldn’t do me any good to attempt to drive that far (or really any distance) if I was exhausted.  So I agreed.

I had brought up some concerns with Megan about spending the night with Manny.  I didn’t want to lead him on or somehow let him think something would happen.  We’re much better off as friends and trying to be more would just be idiotic.  She said there was absolutely no reason why he should assume or expect anything to happen.  She also made the point that even if we did kiss (which is the furthest we’ve ever gone), so what?  We’re both single and the fact remained that I was going back to Michigan.  She also said that he was a good guy and wouldn’t let something happen that I didn’t want to have happen.  All good points, so I just let it go.  I did however, decide to wear a dress and pretty shoes for him.

Thursday dinner was great.  Seeing him walk up to me in the train station was great.  Dinner was fantastic and a perfect balance of catching up and letting me really vent to someone who understands.  The night before was when Heather imploded upon my house and destroyed any last chance of a friendship.  I was so fed up and frustrated and angry and I wanted to talk to someone who understood that while I felt all that, I was also a little heartbroken and sad.  Manny has been friends with me nearly as long as I’ve known Heather.  So he’s had a front row seat to all the drama.  But I didn’t want to bring my rain clouds and venom with me to BK.  I wanted to enjoy myself and have a good time.  Which I did.  We went out to a bar called Beloved in… Greenpoint, I think.  Heat, Russ and his girlfriend Jennifer met up with us.  

Up until this point, everything was friendly.  Manny and I have always been flirts with each other but it was no more than usual.  It was really great to see Russ and meet Jenn and I was touched that Heat came out too.  I know Manny adores her and they are the greatest of friends, but I sort of feel like she’s always hated me a little bit.  I’ve felt the same way about Eileen, but that’s been going on since high school.  So I was touched that Heat came out.  We didn’t stay out late and soon Manny and I were heading back to his apartment.  Brian Douglas and his wife were going to come over, but Brian ended up working much later and begged off for exhaustion.  Manny felt bad, but I told him that was fine.  The night was perfect and wonderful.  We watched an episode of Newsroom and then an episode of West Wing.  The latter was incredibly fun because we’ve never watched one together.  Both of us are quoting the show left and right and it doesn’t bother either of us.

The pressure that I was worried about, that I had talked about with Megan was non-existent.  We had a wonderful time and nothing was happening on that front.  It was perfect.

Friday morning, I woke up around 8 am and Manny was gone.  I panicked.  I was having flashbacks of the morning Mike left and didn’t say goodbye.  I panicked, and looked around the apartment, calling for him.  He’s got a studio apartment, so he couldn’t have gotten very far.  Nothing.  The panic increased.  I rubbed my eyes as he walked out of the bathroom.  He saw me sitting up and immediately said, ‘Its okay.  I’m right here."  With a sigh of relief, I fell back asleep.  It sounds all dramatic and tension filled, but in reality it probably took place over the course of ten seconds.  And, yes, rationally, I knew he had to be someplace.  It was his apartment.  He wasn’t going to just leave me there without an explanation.  But I was still half-asleep and all I knew was that I went to bed, he was there and when I woke up he was gone.  Almost two hours later, I woke up again and he was gone again.  Again panic.  He was sitting at the kitchen table emailing with Russ and working, but again – I was not awake enough to register reality before the panic set in.  Manny later told me that he knew exactly what was happening.  He knew why I was panicking and was really sorry he left me alone.  I told him that was ridiculous because he didn’t do anything to me; I wasn’t really alone.  It was just my neurosis.  I laid back down, still not entirely awake or ready to get out of bed.  He came back into bed with me and we laid there for a while, his hand gentle on my stomach.

Eventually, ever so slowly, with my encouragement his hand moved under and up the inside of my shirt.  That slowly led to us kissing and onward.  It was wonderful and strange and perfect and amazing and felt like nothing before.  It was wonderful, because I really wanted him.  In a way that I never had any other time before.  In the past, Ifelt obligated.  I felt that I owed him something.  It felt like, well a duty.  Something that I was expected to do because he was my boyfriend and he was wonderful.  Knowing it would make him happy and wanting to make him happy, I would oblige.  It sounds eerily like very subtle rape culture attitudes, though he never took no answer for yes or pressured in any way.  He would get frustrated and vocalize his frustration later, but he never ever pressured me.  Its the other side of rape culture, my own twisted mentality.  Maybe this is why I’m passionate about rape culture and how it impacts the women in the most twisted subtlest of ways.  Back on topic – We never slept together; I never let it get that far.  But so much of our physical relationship was based on my own internal pressure to ‘do what was expected’.

The only other time I wanted him like that was years ago.  We were seniors in high school and I was dating Tim.  It was my birthday but Tim had to work late.  Seniors in my high school had a graduation requirement of attending a governmental meeting, so Manny and I went to a zoning meeting together.  Afterwards, he took me out for… coffee or ice cream or pie or something, since it was my birthday.  He drove me home and gave me a burned copy of a new band that I had recently taken a liking to.  The band was Brand New.  Sitting in his car in my parents’ driveway, we almost kissed.  I leaned over and he leaned over and it almost happened.  I wanted it to happen.  Except not while I was dating Tim.  We didn’t kiss, and we both regret it and don’t regret it.  If we had kissed, it would have been great.  And awful because I was dating someone else.  I didn’t want to be that girl, and more importantly I didn’t want to make Manny that guy.  I didn’t want to do that to Tim.  Besides, Manny and I had tried the year before and it hadn’t worked out.  I knew I still had some feelings for Manny, but I was with Tim at that point.  That is the last time I really remember wanting him like I did that Friday morning.  Without agenda, without caveats or paybacks.  Just wanting him.

He was frantic at first.  Desperate almost.  I finally got him to slow down and calm down a little.  I wanted to enjoy it.  This wasn’t just a wham, bam, thank you ma’am.  I wanted it to last.  He has a tendency to get more frustrated than I think it warranted, and more frustrated than he thinks he is.  Which is one of his less flattering qualities.  That happened a little, when things weren’t lining up perfectly or acting *ahem* exactly how he wanted.  He was getting frustrated and upset, which I was worried would only make things worse and ruin the mood.  I didn’t care.  I mean, I did care, but I didn’t want to force things.  I wanted to enjoy things.  And if that meant going slower and getting him to relax and stop over-thinking it, even better.  

The whole thing felt so much different than with any other guy too.  I’ve never slept with a guy because I cared about him.  It was always physical and the emotional side came later.  This was the complete opposite and it felt completely opposite.  It felt… perfect.  Exactly how I wanted us to be.  Mike and I may have been electric and dynamic in bed (for all our issues, that was never one), but it lacked the emotional connection that I have with Manny.  That was… perfect.

When we were done, he laughed and said "Well, that was unexpected!"  I chuckled and agreed.  If someone had told me the night before that was happening the next morning, I would have brushed them off.  Even he asked why that couldn’t have happened last night, when we had more time.  When he didn’t have to go to work and I didn’t have to leave.  I shrugged.  That is just the way it happened.  It was the way it needed to happen.  Some kind of switch got thrown Friday morning.  Thursday night I was still feeling like I owed him for being such a good man.  Not a lot, but it was still lingering for me.  Friday morning, that feeling was gone.  I wanted him for him.  Its hard to explain the minute differences but they are monumentally important.

He looked out the window for a time, then back down at me.  I could see the wheels turning in his head, wondering what did it mean and what had just happened.  I was wondering the same things, but I was afraid of the potential argument.  
 

(Almost a month has passed since I’ve started this entry, so… it may seem a little disjointed.  But oh well.  Now where were we…)
 
He looked out the window for a time, then back down at me.  I could see the wheels turning in his head, wondering what did it mean and what had just happened.  I was wondering the same things, but I was afraid of the potential argument.  I didn’t want to get into it right then.  I wanted to just enjoy it.  I told him not to think about it right now, to just be here and be happy.  He looked down at me and smiled, said okay.
 
Eventually we got up and showered.  He was chatting online with Russ about work and mentioned that we got up later than expected.  Its bugging me cause I can’t remember the exact exchange, but Russ said something about Manny having a morning without pants and I told Manny to confirm it.  Russ has always teased and prodded, both jokingly and seriously, that Manny and I needed to sleep together, something we both always refused.  So it was amusing to slam on the brakes and watch him barrel past.  They didn’t talk long, and Manny and I left for the city.
 
It was wonderful, walking through the streets holding his hand.  We kept to the agreement and didn’t talk about it.  I was starting to wonder what it all meant and how it was I was feeling and how he was feeling, but I was enjoying the wonderful feeling too much.  I was leaving for Michigan that evening and I didn’t want our last moments to be in heated discussion.  We had lunch at my favorite Grand Central restaurant, and then he walked me to the train.  We were standing just inside the terminal by my platform.  I asked him if he thought Russ believed him this morning and who else he was going to tell.  He said he wasn’t sure if Russ believed him and he hadn’t decided who he’d tell.  I told him (again) that I didn’t regret anything and that the whole trip was perfect.  His response, "Yah, I’m glad that’s done."
 
*blink blink*
 
I had no words.  Was I just a bullet point on his bucket list that he can now check off?  Did this morning mean nothing to him?  Did I really mean anything to him?  I started to regret sleeping with him.  Had I made the right choice?  Was everything I feeling all one-sided?  What had I done?  Was everything going to be ruined?  Within the space of two seconds, my mind had shifted into full gear – panic, paranoia and fear.  I almost burst into tears.  Trying to keep the tears back, I raised my eyebrows at him.  It was all I could manage.  (Yes, this all happened in about the span of two seconds.)
 
He immediately grabbed my arms and started apologizing.  Thats not what he meant.  He didn’t mean for it to sound like that.  He was so incredibly sorry.
 
We had about two minutes left before my train left.  I didn’t want to fight with him.  I didn’t want to end this amazing trip on a sour note.  And while my mind had freaked out, I did understand, margainally, what he was trying to say.  I didn’t want to be hurt and angry for our last two minutes.  So I told him it was fine and he hugged me.
 
I got onto the train and texted Megan that I’d call as soon as I was out of the underground.  Manny texted me and apologized again; that we did need to talk about this but after I got back to Michigan.  He didn’t want to disrupt the rest of my trip.  Which was good because I didn’t want to either.  But I did tell him that what he said did hurt me and I wanted to talk about it.
 
I spent the remainder of my trip and drive back to Michigan freaking out.  Megan kept repeating to me "Men are just dumb."  She was convinced that he didn’t mean it like he said it and that he was a better man than Mike and he would never do something to intentionally hurt me.  "Men are just dumb."
 
I think back on it now and it makes me laugh a little.  Manny’s not perfect by any means, but I’ve always felt that he was the better person in our relationship.  That he was more eloquent, smarter, kinder, less crazy.  He’s also a writer and much better at chosing his words than I am.  Except, "men are just dumb."  They sometimes do and say the stupidest things because they are just dumb.  This isn’t male-bashing and Manny is still smarter than me on plenty of topics.  But they do.  Just like women are crazy insane, men are just dumb.  It was like I was realizing Manny was way more human and male than I had acknowledged.  My friends were great though, constantly reassuring me he wasn’t that big of an asshole, he was just dumb.  He does truly care about me, he was just dumb.
 
He and I did talk on the Tuesday after my trip.  (And nearly every single night since then.)  At that point, I had not made the decision about going back to NY.  He was a part of that, and yet not a deciding part of that.  So what did this all mean, especially if I was staying in Michigan?  About once a week, we would have a "what are we doing" conversation.  Like checking in with the other person.  We were having fun and thats all well and good. However, he very quickly started repeating (word for word, giving me chills) what Mike used to say about not knowing about the future and just wanting to enjoy what was happening.  I wanted to talk to him about the possibility of moving to NY, but I didn’t want to put that kind of pressure on him.  That if I moved back, we would have to be together and we would have to make it work.  Its too much pressure and I didn’t want my reason for moving back to be a relationship with him.  Although I also didn’t want to stay because I was trying to avoid forcing a relationship with him.
 
I talked to him about moving back a little, but not very much and made that decision on my own.  He’s a part of the decision for sure, but it ultimately has nothing to do with him.  If we were to end tomorrow, I would still move back.  Once that decision was made, things got a little easier and a lot more serious.  Finally, after a few weeks of "what are we doing" conversations, I put my foot down.  I didn’t want to force the issue and I didn’t want to demand an answer yet.  I just wanted to stop having those conversations.  They were exhausting and draining.  I knew exactly what I wanted but he was hesitant.  I couldn’t figure out why and neither could he.  So all I could do was wait.  Except I wanted to stop those repetative conversations.  So we decided to put a pin in the questions of "what we are" until after our trip to Portland.  No more discussing it until we’re both home from that trip.  Then we’ll re-evaluate and discuss and figure it out.
 
Funny thing.  That was the first part of a conversation.  He had said a number of times that he knew how he felt about me.  After we had ‘placed the pin’, I flat out asked him to tell me how he felt about me.  He told me that he cared about me, but didn’t want to hurt me ever and wasn’t sure what was going on and I was the most defining person in his life and made just an impact and… pretty much nothing I didn’t already know.  Which was okay, but it sounded… safe.  Whether he was protecting me or himself, I couldn’t tell and either way didn’t blame him.  But I knew it wasn’t the whole story.  I just didn’t know if he knew that.  I know a little something about lying to yourself, and wouldn’t fault him if thats what he was doing.  He was also (interestingly and annoyingly) repeating things that Mike had said to me.  That he really wasn’t sure he could make me happy.  It is starting to annoy me how neither of them thought to ask me what would make me happy or even consider that I would know the answer to the question.  Both have said they didn’t know if they were really what I wanted.  His answers were safe and guarded.
 
The inevitable question came back around.  "So how do you feel about me?  Only fair."  I knew he would ask.  I was ready for whatever answer he was going to give.  I wasn’t sure he was ready for my truth.  I thought for a while about what to say.  I could be honest or I could be brutally honest and completely lay my heart out there for him.
 
I went with brutal honesty.  I told him I knew exactly how I felt and exactly what I wanted – him.  I wanted a life with him, children, family, growing old together.  I had no idea what that looked like, but unlike every other unknown which terrifies me, this was okay.  As along as I was with him, I wasn’t afraid anymore.  That I compared every man to him and none measured up.  That I knew I was going to get hurt and that he would hurt me – one way or another, it was bound to happen.  But I wasn’t scared and I wasn’t running away.  I told him I knew he was hesitant and I understood.  And I would wait because all I wanted was him.  I went on for a good twenty minutes with him saying nothing.  At the end, I stopped and waited and asked him to just say something – anything.  That I hadn’t terrified him away, or scared him away with the truth.  His voice broke when he answered me.  He wasn’t scared.  He had waited so long for me to say that and he was not expecting it.  He had given up on us so many times, he never thought it possible.  He told me that I ruined any chance of a decent proposal at that point.  He would never be able top that.  And he wanted to redo his answer.  That he felt the same way, but had never allowed himself to hope it to be real.  Both of us were crying and bemoaning the fact that we were not in the same place; why did it have to happen over the phone.
 
That was… a few weeks ago.  The pin is still in the discussion of what exactly we are and what that means, though we are moving at a breakneck speed – both too fast and too slow at the same time.  We’re both excited for Portland and then sooner than we know it, August will be here and I’ll be back in NY for good.  In the meantime, things are good and this entry is long enough for now!