Struggles

I didn’t finish my original entry last night and I haven’t had a chance yet to go back and look it all over and edit it.  For right, its Friends Only until I sort it out properly.  Either way, I’m still struggling with it all.  And I realized while falling asleep last night it has a lot to do with how victim-blaming culture has so deeply twisted into good Christian values.  Values that I do believe in, but have been twisted by victim-blaming language into something incredibly dark.

There is a girl in my church who loves to act and hopes to perform on Broadway someday.  She’s attending a theater boarding school and being exposed to a lot more non-Christian culture than ever before.  I love her parents and they are wonderful, amazing people.  But she was home-schooled and lives in West Michigan.  The lengths of sheltering are unbelievable and so subtle, you wouldn’t know they are there.  In my opinion, her parents do an excellent job trying not to shelter her and are not nearly among the worst for this area, regardless of the home-schooling.  Still, I worry about her.

I worry about the day she moves to NYC.  I worry about the day she takes the subway alone for the first time.  I worry about the first time she goes into a bar.  I worry about this wonderful, sheltered, amazing young woman going through anything similar to the things I’ve been through.  I was sexually assaulted at nineteen in the hotel where I worked by another employee.  I won’t rehash the details, but I will say this.  It could have been much worse and plenty of people have experienced much worse.  That does not make what he did any less acceptable or myself guilty in any way.  It haunted me for a very long time, and even now I rarely speak about it.  Only recently I accepted it was not my fault and was able to find a better measure of peace.

While I do worry about things happening to her, what really upsets me is how I think she’ll react.  How will she process being groped on the subway or being propositioned in a bar?  I’m fearful that she will fail into victim-blaming language and mindset.  Its already there in her mind, I can see it.  She’s posted on Facebook how as Christian women we are called to dress modestly (which I agree with) because we shouldn’t tempt men into lust, especially Christian men (absolutely not!).  The intention is sincere and honest, but so twisted and misleading.  It excuses a man’s actions because of something the woman did.  It blames the woman for the thoughts and actions of the man.

I do think women should dress modestly and I believe context matters.  An example would be: Bathing suits are acceptable on the beach.  Bathing suits are not acceptable at my church services (there are beach front church services where this is acceptable, hence the distinction).  But if a woman does wear a bathing suit to my church service, it is not her fault when someone gropes her or touches her inappropriately.  I would expect someone to perhaps say something to her, and tell her that is not acceptable in this context, but if someone were to sexually assault her, what she is wearing becomes irrelevant.  **This is where my frustration begins to rise.  Because I believe the woman has the right to wear the bathing suit.  I believe people have a right to ask her not to wear the bathing suit.  I do not believe anyone has the right to sexually assault her.**

Another example.  A woman wears a short skirt and tight top into a bar.  She flirts with the bouncer and the bartender.  The guys look at her, imagining whatever they imagine.  They flirt with her and she flirts with them.  Perhaps there is physical contact, a hand on an arm, a hand in the small of her back to guide her to a stool.  She dances with a few of the guys.  Up to this point, I have no problem with it.  I’ve been that girl.  I’ve walked into a bar in suggestive clothing and flirted and danced and enjoyed myself and the company.  One of the guys even offered to walk me to my car and once there, he kissed me.  Without warning, but not forced.  He kissed me, smiled and walked back inside.  I had no problem with any of that.  In my mind, that is exactly what I "asked for" and what I went looking for.  An enjoyable evening and maybe a little kiss.  I know for a fact that if I had encouraged the guy, he would have kissed me again and gone further.  He told me so in following days.  But I said good night and left.  So he dropped it.  I don’t have a problem with that.  But the moment there’s a hand on a bathing suit part of the body or an ignored request to stop doing anything, that is the crossing of the line.  At that point, in my mind, it doesn’t matter if she walked into the bar stark naked.

This is still where my frustration begins to churn.  I’m not sure I’m right in that second example.  I feel like I’m still missing something.  Maybe I should have been upset by the kiss.  Maybe my lack of being upset and outraged that he stole a kiss is telling that young man its okay to repeat that behavior and to even go further.  Except… I’m not upset and I think all that happened really was okay.

A quote from Bones recently piqued my attention.  The character Angela is out to lunch with her ex-boyfriend, Jack and her new boyfriend, Wendell.  Jack is trying to prove to Angela and Wendell he is okay with their new relationship.  He encourages them to hold hands or share food or do whatever they want; it won’t bother him.  Eventually, Wendell just leans over and kisses Angela, who is clearly upset and not pleased by the kiss.  Her line to him is "I don’t really like being kissed when its not actually about me."  I think there’s some truth in that.

Except its now lunchtime and I’ve got to run.  I’ll keep working on this.  This is not a one-hour thing.