if you were lighter than a feather

There’s a video floating around social media entitled "What If Money Didn’t Matter". It asks a number of people, mostly students, what they would do with their lives and careers if money didn’t matter. I know its edited down, but nearly all of them gave an "artsy" answer. They wanted to paint, write poetry, write music, play music, draw, design, create. There’s other internet memes on social media from various famous icons talking about how we as a planet should do what we love and not chase the money. For if we do what we love, the money won’t matter.

I understand that. I also understand its hard to wrap your brain around all that when you’ve been hungry or homeless. When money meant basic security – a security you were or are greatly lacking. Money can mean a warm, safe place to sleep and food to eat. So we chase that dream of security rather than chasing our heart’s desires.

I was talking with James last night. He and Ashley got engaged and we were catching up on news. He’s pursuing a doctorate in Early Music at Boston University. He is living the dream. Except his dream never included meeting such an amazing woman and falling in love. Everyone in his dream profession (early music performer) has gone through multiple marriages. The travel, the extensive practicing, the lack of steady income has contributed to the breakdown of those relationships. He does not want to see that happen in his relationship. So he’s starting to chase the security, the money rather than his heart’s desire.

Ashley would never ask him to give up performing. And if she did, I would beat her back into her senses. But I remember thinking this very question in college. If it came down to picking my oboe or my husband, I honestly don’t know what would happen. Everyone keeps telling me that the right man for me would never ask that of me. And they are all right. Just like Ashley won’t ask it of James. But what if we ask it of ourselves? What if our partners are not the ones asking the question? Suddenly, its a whole different ballgame.

In college, I asked myself those kinds of things. I decided that I wanted a family more than any career. So I didn’t go to grad school for music. I went in search of security. I suppose its ironic that I found the exact opposite. I was hungry, homeless and unsure. On top of everything else, I was unhappy.

So in talking to James last night, and in watching my friends follow their dreams and I’m starting to wonder why I can’t do the same? I think part of the answer lies with Michael. I’m still holding on to a hope that he and I will make it work. And I’m scared to be put in the position of asking myself, music or Michael? I don’t believe he would ever ask such a thing. In fact, I believe he would give me the answer, not pose the question. He would tell me to follow my dream.

I guess the end of the story is that I have so many dreams. I want to be back in NY. I want to be closer to my family and my family friends. I want to have a husband, and children and a home. I want to play music. I want to cook and keep my house. I even want to work a little bit. Get out of the house and do a job, but not carry it with me every where I go. I want to study music and church and history. I said all this to my pastor earlier this year and he told me those where wonderful dreams. He told me those were not bad things to want and reach for. Then he asked what I needed to do to achieve them. I wasn’t exactly sure how to get there.

I’m still not sure. I’m wondering if I should go back to school. But my dream has shifted somewhat as of late. My dream isn’t grad school anymore – for anything. My dream is a husband and a family, but the husband is no longer faceless. Should I go back to New York, this time for my dream and not security?

What would you do… if money didn’t matter?

Would you go with me if we rolled down streets of fire
Would you hold on to me tighter as the summer sun got higher
If we roll from town to town and never shut it down

Would you go with me if we were lost in fields of clover
Would we walk even closer until the trip was over
And would it be okay if I didn’t know the way

If I gave you my hand would you take it
And make me the happiest man in the world
If I told you my heart couldn’t beat one more minute without you, girl
Would you accompany me to the edge of the sea
Let me know if you’re really a dream<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; font-size: 13px; font-family: Verdana, Arial; text-align: center; background-color: rgb(204, 204, 221);” />
I love you so, so would you go with me

Would you go with me if we rode the clouds together
Could you not look down forever
If you were lighter than a feather
Oh, and if I set you free, would you go with me

Would You Go With Me ~ Josh Turner