Invalid?

He doesn’t want me to move to NY for him.  All my friends say I shouldn’t move to NY for him.  And I understand the point.  If it was just him I was moving to NY for, I’d think it was a bad idea too.  Except its not just for him.  I miss my parents.  I miss my friends.  I miss my river and my bridge; I miss my state and the City.  His recent revelations are not the reason I’m moving back to NY.  But maybe they are the tipping point.  The thing that breaks the camel’s back and packs my bags.  And honestly whats wrong with that?

My talk with Manny went better and worse than I expected.  He doesn’t hate Mike, or at least claims not to.  He said he’s only met the guy once and ever since then all he knows is that I lie about him.  Which pisses me off because I’ve never lied.  A while back, Manny told me he didn’t want to hear about Mike.  And I’ve tried to respect that wish.  When cornered or asked a direct question, I won’t lie.  But I’ll leave out that part of my life.  The only reason I’ve brought it up to Manny now is because Mike is potentially going to a huge part of my life.  I want the advice of my friends.  Megan made a really good point.  If my family and closest friends all have reservations about this guy, I should at least hear them out.  Because I don’t want to end up at the point where I have to choose between them and him, but can’t have both.  I want Manny at my wedding.  I want to be able to talk to him and I want him and Mike to be friends – not too good of friends, but still friends.  If things do progress, I do not want Manny hating Mike.

So Manny’s accusations that I lie and keep them apart drove me while.  I did this at his request, so how day he lay this at my feet!

His response didn’t entirely make me feel any better.  "We were 19!  I’m over it!"  Coupled with a few other choice phrases, I was – and am – pretty upset with him.  I was talking to him about my fear of commitment and happiness since he has some experience in that area.  He told me the comparison was invalid because we were 19 and young and stupid.

Lovely.  What I fet like he said was that our whole relationship was invalid.  And after he said it a few times, I tried to explain that to him.  Only a little though, because we were rapidly losing the point and he was already late to work.  I don’t want to be with him or marry him or anything absurd like that.  But he was still one of the great loves of my life.  That relationship was still incredibly important to me.  I don’t care if we were six, sixteen or nineteen.  He has a piece of my heart forever.  This is why I don’t say the "L-word" lightly.  Because I don’t take it back.. Tim still carries a piece of my heart.  Okay, maybe he tried to mail it back to me but that envelope arrived empty.  He may have thrown it away but I never got it back.  I have a hole in my heart for all the men I’ve loved.  And Manny’s words basically told me that he thinks that is invalid.

I think that hurts almost as much as breaking up did.  When I told him I would love him forever, I really meant it.  It wasn’t a line or just something to say.  I really meant it.  It makes me wonder if he really did?  Or is that something else he wants to take back.