Shatterings

An OD friend here got her heart shattered recently, which caused me to recall my own memories of a shattering heart.  I started re-reading old diary entries to see if I could summon something helpful, encouraging but not condescending to say.  All I found for her was a movie quote, but it brought up things I’d quite literally forgotten entirely about.  I only vaguely remember the events I talk about in my diary.  Some I definitely do, and there are even things I remember that aren’t in the diary.  But a bit of it really feels like I’m reading about someone else’s life.

Which terrifies me.

I’m doing so well right now.  Okay, not perfect, but I’m actually doing okay.  Yes, there are still bad times and days.  I will always have ups and downs.  But that time in my life was more than just a down – it was its own disorder, a form of PTSD.  I was having full-blown dissociative episodes, which I cannot recall at all now.  It was the year after my car accident and my grandfather’s death.  I was dealing with a lot back then, although I certainly pretended it was a lot of nothing.

Anyways, back on point (its been a long day).  I’m terrified because I forgot how bad it could all get.  I’d honestly forgotten that I’d ever gone through dissociative episodes that extreme.

And my crazy, exhausted thought process is – what if it happens again?  What if I end up in a place again where I’m going through dissociative episodes like that?  What will set me off?  What might cause them, induce them or amplify them?  Is this really something I’m going to have to deal with forever?  Was it situational or clinical?  A response to those particular events or a repeating biological chemical reaction?

In simple terms – When is the other shoe going to drop and shatter my world?